running out of time

not enough time..my problem...blame myself for getting bad results in skl, its always like that since i went to secondary skl to high skl now, i am always late at sitting down and settling down to focus on studies and now i know....i have chem,phy, math and SAT....harsh!!!!!!

but now at least i am done for chemistry, i got everything, physics, i finally understood how RELATIVITY works!!!!cool enough..now only math left, i m really bad at it, but i am still able to conquer SAT math(its easy)...i am working very hard now to catch up the pace of the class and everyone in the society, i dun want to be the underdog in the society, and i am not going to be at the bottom layer of the pyrmaid....

in my SAT class,everything is fine though,its good, the teacher micheal,i call him mike,his cool,his american, i want to be like him...in the class, only four of us, 3 boys and one girl, she blonde, from holland,in SAS. She looks good, i am not implying i like her or something(or i might i duno),but i m telling the truth. but even if i like her, i said IF, i dun think she will like me, cause no one does, everyone thinks i am fat ugly, dirty and ....she might also already have a BF, god knows, well anyways no time to bother about this, i am thinking about skl life everyday...its hard...IB sucks.

i got scolded by dad for nothing, all i was was to log on to msn, i talked to no one, my friend talked to me, and i go scolded cause i log on to msn, my fault.....i m always the one blamed. its not fair, Sunny wants a laptop, he gets it, i want one too, no way is the answer. sunny went to singapore, he got a new cell, i want one too, no way again..mayb thats how the oldest is treated in the family, but these r minor thing compared to results that will get me into university,i wonder, y r my parents so harsh on me, look at my friends, i mean they get to hang out anytime they want, with friends. but i have no friends..i am a loner....and for my subject combination, i m made to choose what i dun want to...i choose physics since grade 9 and not allowed to drop it because my dad is PHD at physics, i want to choose bio, because i love bio,but no....i wana choose music for grade 11, and not chem, no way, because its important...all sorts of reason to prevent me from choosing what i want. i am tired of all these, really tired....

i am sick of this life, i wana scream, i wana talk to someone, express myself out, on the piano, to someone, tell them who i really was, but i cant, because no one would listen to me...they say boys dun cry, yea i dunt ,but i am bleeding inside of me, no one can see, i m strong on the surface, but weak beneath

my dad had always told me to be a gentle man, and be kind to other people, and always control my temper when anything happens, but the msn thing, and the car thing b4, those are big thing,(the car), but msn is a small thing, and my dad lose his temper at me, its not fair, i did what he told me to do,but y cant he see what i am trying to do. i am trying too, to get good grades, to get into a good university, to have a good future...he cant see...

this is not the life i want, i am bird in a cage, i dun want to live under the shadow of my dad anymore, i cant face anymore pressure, because i am always on the edge of breaking down, and i am suffocating from everything, love,hate,skl,SAT,insults,laughter.etc. i cant take it...cant take it...

the case that i dun have a GF is because i am not allowed, my bro sunny, found a GF, my mum said nothing,he was like 12 when he did...for me,its a different story, i have being hurt so badly, by girls, who once liked me, hurt me so badly, even guys, everyone...
i hate this world, espically girls....because i found them black, they r dark color creatures, and so i dun dare to open up myself again to the world,but i still have that little bit of love inside me, and it will still burn like fire red, if i open up, but i have to make sure i wun get hurt again...i wonder y am i a failure in love, y do girls always dump me, when i did nth wrong? yea i admit i am not a funny person, ok all i have is knowledge..i guess...and i cant say jokes....what else is the reason? in general relativity, when something with very large mass occupies a soace, it will contract into a singularity, and form a black hole, thats what happning to me now, and when i am in the black hole, i never get out.....