running out of time

not enough time..my problem...blame myself for getting bad results in skl, its always like that since i went to secondary skl to high skl now, i am always late at sitting down and settling down to focus on studies and now i know....i have chem,phy, math and SAT....harsh!!!!!!

but now at least i am done for chemistry, i got everything, physics, i finally understood how RELATIVITY works!!!!cool enough..now only math left, i m really bad at it, but i am still able to conquer SAT math(its easy)...i am working very hard now to catch up the pace of the class and everyone in the society, i dun want to be the underdog in the society, and i am not going to be at the bottom layer of the pyrmaid....

in my SAT class,everything is fine though,its good, the teacher micheal,i call him mike,his cool,his american, i want to be like him...in the class, only four of us, 3 boys and one girl, she blonde, from holland,in SAS. She looks good, i am not implying i like her or something(or i might i duno),but i m telling the truth. but even if i like her, i said IF, i dun think she will like me, cause no one does, everyone thinks i am fat ugly, dirty and ....she might also already have a BF, god knows, well anyways no time to bother about this, i am thinking about skl life everyday...its hard...IB sucks.

i got scolded by dad for nothing, all i was was to log on to msn, i talked to no one, my friend talked to me, and i go scolded cause i log on to msn, my fault.....i m always the one blamed. its not fair, Sunny wants a laptop, he gets it, i want one too, no way is the answer. sunny went to singapore, he got a new cell, i want one too, no way again..mayb thats how the oldest is treated in the family, but these r minor thing compared to results that will get me into university,i wonder, y r my parents so harsh on me, look at my friends, i mean they get to hang out anytime they want, with friends. but i have no friends..i am a loner....and for my subject combination, i m made to choose what i dun want to...i choose physics since grade 9 and not allowed to drop it because my dad is PHD at physics, i want to choose bio, because i love bio,but no....i wana choose music for grade 11, and not chem, no way, because its important...all sorts of reason to prevent me from choosing what i want. i am tired of all these, really tired....

i am sick of this life, i wana scream, i wana talk to someone, express myself out, on the piano, to someone, tell them who i really was, but i cant, because no one would listen to me...they say boys dun cry, yea i dunt ,but i am bleeding inside of me, no one can see, i m strong on the surface, but weak beneath

my dad had always told me to be a gentle man, and be kind to other people, and always control my temper when anything happens, but the msn thing, and the car thing b4, those are big thing,(the car), but msn is a small thing, and my dad lose his temper at me, its not fair, i did what he told me to do,but y cant he see what i am trying to do. i am trying too, to get good grades, to get into a good university, to have a good future...he cant see...

this is not the life i want, i am bird in a cage, i dun want to live under the shadow of my dad anymore, i cant face anymore pressure, because i am always on the edge of breaking down, and i am suffocating from everything, love,hate,skl,SAT,insults,laughter.etc. i cant take it...cant take it...

the case that i dun have a GF is because i am not allowed, my bro sunny, found a GF, my mum said nothing,he was like 12 when he did...for me,its a different story, i have being hurt so badly, by girls, who once liked me, hurt me so badly, even guys, everyone...
i hate this world, espically girls....because i found them black, they r dark color creatures, and so i dun dare to open up myself again to the world,but i still have that little bit of love inside me, and it will still burn like fire red, if i open up, but i have to make sure i wun get hurt again...i wonder y am i a failure in love, y do girls always dump me, when i did nth wrong? yea i admit i am not a funny person, ok all i have is knowledge..i guess...and i cant say jokes....what else is the reason? in general relativity, when something with very large mass occupies a soace, it will contract into a singularity, and form a black hole, thats what happning to me now, and when i am in the black hole, i never get out.....

tired of high school, so much work to do, and pressure!!!!argh!!,well this is life...went to the first SAT class yesterday, its good, that guy is cool , he speaks with american accent, so i want to go america.lol. but i m sure i am going to american...so need SAT and IB> important, have to work hard now. after PTC, i suddenly discovered that i understand everything, even math,not all though, but improved. listening to this years grade 8 song, its pretty hard, not sure if i m taking it or not..

PTC...Furture

i knew it, shouldnt have went to PTC. well no good commands, from chem..math not there, at least i didnt see, lucky...chem teacher said i have no self confidence,well, i just dun get chem at all, not dun get,but is confused with the concepts and stuffs. now i am looking at math again, i know the concepts, but cant apply, to questions, why do we have to do that? its stupid, but i seriously dun get those question behind chapter 7 and 10. trigo, and DY/Dx, something i hate, damn, i also dun get volume of revolution, its damn hard, i still have like SAT to do, under really very very much pressure, life sucks, i wana die, i cant get anything right god! safe me!tell me whats wrong with me!!!!!.....i duno what i should do now, IB is important, but chem and math matters alot too, i mean i cant let this two subjects pull down my over mark.....for IB.....i need to find a way to slove it,,....i wana die....argh!!!!!!!!

2008,2009=disaster

Thanks jeff, u r truely my bro, my best buddy, i guess u r the next guy who is the best to me after my family members, for you, i wun quit choir, i aint gay,but i respect friendship. i will keep all my unhappiness down in me,deep,never show it.

Got report card back today,shit man,it sucks. CHEM AND MATH.2...2 each,thats damn gay,out of 7. n for physics 4? i m not satisfyed enough, i want a five, i should get 4.lol. but business i got 7s, and i will maintain it, i totally give up on chem and math, yea i know its my problem, although ms fong said that everyone is bad this year, but this dun imply anything, if we cant get into university its not her problem, shes just here to help us,....same for mr evanno, i need to start working, to improve my results, i guess tmr i am ready to die, face teachers commands, i already can figure our what they will say to my mum, and back home, i will be screwed, everytime, or lets say every year before term 3 , its my worse year, but i always get better after term 2 ends, is this a trend? but this year seems different, everything is different. the subjects r much harder now(of course),but the best in our class, is like just pass...and the rest r like fail fail fail...what the heck os wrong this year..to everyone of us, some people wanted to ace this year, me too man, but we cant can we? does everyone agree this year is a disaster? or lets say starting from 2008, onwards, when we r still in S4, is this set? at the beginning of my life? i worked hard(mayb not enough),but i got nothing in return, this aint me, and for choir, thats another story, for band, bye bye, because i cant take this anymore seriously, i am breaking down everyday bit by bit.

i want to move on, but something blocks me, i cant find what it is, or see it, its some kind of invisble force...this year is a disaster...its hard,very hard...i am not sure what i can get for IB now, i got all together 27 for term 2 report, and 21 for term 1. so i am sure i can get 30 for term 3. all i need is to maintain english ar 5, business and chinese at 7, and improve physics to 5, and chem and business to 3 each, or 4. then i will beat 30..my aim....lets do it now...i still have time do i? i still have SAT, which is more more more more more more than IB> cant screw that man, or no more america dream university, than only one way left, SINGAPORE, that means i have to use IB, so both important........now i discovered that 7 is not hard to get...

this year is driving me insane, and i might break down anytime....i tried so hard, and got so far,but in the end, nothing matters.........

What is my choice?

i wana quit choir, well people said i am not good at singing, then its better that i quit, instead of wasting my time there. right? i will satisfy u all...well for jeff, i am really really sorry, i mean i know u r SC but out skl is gay and stupid for the rules for SC. u shouldnt go to choir because of me, i apperciate that, alot,really. i dun wana leave choir too,but i dont have a choice do i? its those people, b4 i used to be defensive against every body,because i dun wana be hurt again.but should i quit? thought of it for the whole night, is this really what i want in life,what is that i am trying to acheive, i duno....today, got scolded,just because i command on our skl,but its true, i know what to say to the "teacher". he aint a teacher, hes the head of guards, our skl its not fair, and jimmy is leaving, i mean, i cant change skl now, duno what to do...y cant parents just understand?

Getting assinated on friday, will recieve very damn bad negative commands from teachers, like mr evanno, and ms fong, because i fucked up for this tow subjects, but i didnt want to,nobody wants to,but i somehow did it.....people have different blogs, but my is special, because no ones reads mine, only me. lol. anyways my 3s r getting better and more accurate, well i guess today i proved i am the one good at basketball...lol,but i played well today, i guess there has to be something i can do about for chem and math,like what ms fong said, chem is the worst subject of our whole class....i discovered that some or lets say most of my SAT practise questions r the same,what the heck is this man, waste my money.

i feel lonely,because i dun dare to look into the eyes of others,because i feel that all look at me in a werid way...i duno y...i have always had that feeling in my head.
these few days, or lets say this few weeks, i have memories of the past coming back to me, and all sorts of concepts that i learn in skl, every single scene, its so clear...everyword i said, and every expression of others...what does all this imply, i am not sure...mayb i didnt have bad memories after all.

Suppose to see ms chan chan today about choir stuffs, but i dun feel like going, because i feel that there is not big deal, i can settle this myself, and i made up my mind.QUIT OR NO QUIT?leave me to decide...

and to the world, drought, war, global warming, economic crises, this world we r in is dying.....

And now, i cant take this anymore, my SAT results varies.....my actual is about 1500?or what i duno,but i know i'd get higher. alright, at the princeton review i am learning the strategy, but i dun get it at all, i get nothing, i have being practising so so so so much, but i got nothing, everytime i do questions, i get mixed up and stuff, mayb i am really not that kind of exam person..i am on the edge of breaking down, i feel really stessed and tired..someone save me, i hate high skl, i have so many things to worry about, which i think i cant cope anymore,,,,....

in school now, trying to figure out what to do for our class website. its called the pub, good name though,but i duno what i should do, and no one is bothered to tell me, and so i will just try to figure it out myself, well need a photo, what am i going to put, piano, chopin, or some rock band. well i guess everything work,i hate life, and i hate friday, because its PTC, which means i am getting screwed in school, because i am doing badly in skl, but i know and i am goin to do something to improve my results at chem and math, i mean this two are imporant subjects, i am not implying that the rest its not important, but i dun want my overall results to be pulled down just by this 2 subjects, so i need to work on it, i have no idea actually where it went wrong,, so i am going to figure it out. but i know i will find the problem sometimes, in term 3 and 4, at the end of term 4 i am going to get my results up, and actually get a 4 for each of theser 2 subjects. with confidence, i am sure that i am able to do it, and i will..so trust myself now...i am trying to gain self confidence, can i ? because there is a barrier, which i dunt know what is actually is...but i will get over it sometime in my life. My SAT in about 2 month time, time flies fast, i need to do very werll for my SAT in order to get into a good american university. and i have no idea who i really am now...........just die.........

SAT????life????nothing is ontrack

Alright 1790, thats the mark i got when doing by myself at home,but when i enter the test center i got 1320. i mean thats a big difference. mayb its because i am nervous,but anyways, i still plan to improve more on my SAT results, i need to learn the method. My skl IB, thats what i m worried about, well i guess term 2 report, chinese 7, business 6,English 5,chem 2, math is 2, and phy is 4 mayb. thats meakes 26 out of 42, very bad man, i mean i want at least 30+ to get into a good university, or at least 35 plus, well i need to work harder on my math, but what is the problem, i am not sure too, i just cant get anything right during a test, same for chemistry, my next step i m going to take it slowly, i am improving my chem to a reliable mark, to get good marks like chunerr(not that good but best in our class)..hes like the best, ok i can do it, all i need it movtivation, for physics, i understand, the concepts, this year, everything is hard, it looks hard seems hard and everything elese, and why cant anyone send me the file for siBelius 5, i need it. Life is a nightmare, i want a nre start, a new blank page in my bible science, turn a new page for me... 42,42,42,42,42,42. thats the number that is always appearing on my mind, because somehow that is linked with me....yea it sure it, well today i analyzed my problem on SAT, i dun have understanding problem, its just carelessness and stupidness that brings me down all the time, just like in skl, for math exam and for chem exam, i aint blamin anyone or anything, but somehow i think this is my problem. yea people say i m werid, i am emo, i cut myself, i talk to myself, so? thats me.....i duno who i am, yea mayb outside it seems i am Alex, but actually i was dead long time ago, i died because of sorrow,pain,hatred, and pressure. now i know what is pressure like, how it feel,SAT...do i really have to go to america?yea i just dun wana go Sg because of NS,but what if like FUCK IT
world economic crises, and everything around me, i duno why i need to care, or lets say want to care,but somehow i care about it, guess what Alex, you are not asking for a new present for your BD, because our family has no money, and dad is on the border on losing his job...so lets save money. Alex, you are the weight for your family, your parents has to pay for your university educational fees, and you are doing badly in skl and for SAT, stop making them worrying, do something, prove to the world u can do it. i know i am the weight for my family, but if i dun go into university( at least good), then my life is ruined, i wun want to be blue collar whole of my life, therefore i have to start workin,everynight b4 i sleep, i was thinking about skl,SAT, Piano, everything, University, thinking what kind of uni i will get into, wondering what will be my final IB marks, 35 or 25? mayb its the second one, but i sure get higher than that, because IB states, u cant get more than 2 twos in ur report, and no ones allows, i wun get ones in final, but who knows....chem and math, i suddenly feel everything is so hard, so stressful, i wana go away, leave this world, or mayb go africa, let me die myself, because i cant take this anymore.......who understands.........35, i want a 35,but i need to work towards that aim,no use without working hard,but there is always a barrier that prevents me from doing so, i am not sure what is it, mayb i am the barrier, and to break it, break me, but is there any other barrier than i cant get through, i duno. i act normal infront of my parents, because i dun want them to worry about me, but i know its hard to be 2 different person, but i have lead a life like this....

What the f

WTf man, i failed math like shit, ok this is damn damn bad. there is 3 questions that i should get correct, chem i improved,but still bad enough, i wonder if i can make it into uni, i think i m getting 4s for phy chem and math at the overall, that makes 12 marks, and i need 10 more, so i was hopingon chinese to get 7 which is 19, and ela is 4 whcih is 23(GOT IB) and business mayb 6, that 29. which is one mark away from my aim, and thats seriously bad out of 45, i mean, our skl is not good enough personally. PTC in one week, guess i know what kind of commands i will get. i am ready to be screwed, everytime of this year, is my worse time, but i usually get better after that, which i hope i do. my SAT, thats the thing, together with skl, its getting on my nerves, shit man, i can take this anymore. THIS YEAR IS A DISASTER. i want to die leh, finish it up, go to heaven...wa lao......i cant stand presure anymore, anyways i cant get anything right, anything to go, so what for living on?but still i tried, but i believe i found the right method of studying, so mayb it will make me improve will it?

SOMEONE TELL ME?
this life is never what i expected

tmr, i am taking a SAT Diagnostic test, in huai hai road. well its the second time that i am actually taking it. The first time i took it, i got 1100. which is VERY bad. But this time, i am going to get higher, because i have practised for a long time, this time maybe i will hit the 1600 barrier, well thats not good too, but i hope i get 1800. From today onwards, i am going to be very busy, need to prepare for SAT, its in 87 days. I might be also retaking grade 8 ABRSM, and i wun fail the second time, because i have the right sounds for the notes, as i have tuned my piano already. I am not sure if i hate my dad for screaming at me for the car, but this few days, that image always appear in my mind, everything i said and did, in school and at home, i duno what cause it to flash back, but i know that there is something going on inside me.

i got this SAt book, which teaches me how to score 2400 for the SAT, which i hope i can do it. I learned two new sayings.

1. NO PAIN NO GAIN
2. PRACTISE MAKES PERFECT.
This two saying are really true, and it really works. My friends Jeff, and my brother sunny, they are all SCS, why cant i be one then, no one bothers to inform me, it doesnt matter, in school , i will just be who i am, what i always do, i will do it..
but i hate this life, i hate it really much, this year 2009 and 2008 and 2007 are disasters for me, because i have being through so much, and no one can share, i keep it within myself, and one day , i will express it out as songs................

I want an iphone. i do, well before that i said i wanted a mac book, but it seems too expensive, so i changed to i phone, but now it seems same too, expansive. it is about 300USD for a 8Gb one, i mean mum said that the economics is bad, and we should waste money,its true, well ok then lets say i dun get anything for my birthday, i dun mind. i wonder why i met or lets say crash into this economic crises, this is unfair, i hope OBAMA can do something, i am sure he can, and he will. i dun want to be 17, its hard for me to accept it, accept the truth that i am leaving for University soon , accepting the fact that i will soon become an adult, and leave home, well everyone has to go through that process, its normal, but it feels bad and non exciting anymore, when u know that u r leaving home and leaving the ones u love behind, and go somewhere.......