i duno whats the point of living anymore

Fragile future 5

this year is important, i mean SAT, i should get full marks on grammer, because i should!
Well sry chong han, for what happened to u, i mean there are girls better than her, i know u thats u give in alot, or lets say contribute...man cheer up dun be like me, i m a failer, its natural, but u r so much better than me, i m sure u will get someone.

i m sleeping late everyday now, feeling very tired, sign, i dun have a choice do i, i want a good life, so must work hard now!!!! every exam and homework counts, math......i have being bad since young, but i understand, but somehow in exams, i always screw up, i need to find out y, man this life is boring, tell me something i m worth to live in this world for.

i am not sure how much i can take this anymore, not sure whats my aim now, i m lost, and i need to find my direction in life. can anyone tell me where the light is, someone guide me?
i m the oldest in the family, which means, i have the most reponsibiliy to my future, cause i will need to support the family when i grow up, but i m not sure if i can make it to university or not, i m close very close, this year at this date, i am like 30% from university gate, but the last 30% is the hardest, u may say i have being through this for 17 years, yes but i m afraid i cant make it to the final percent.........

fragile future 4

dun think i am going to perform for RFC(rock for charity). i guess now i know why people kick me out of the band? am i bossy?sometimes i guess,or most of the time..sry..but i am beginning to hate society, i m blaming it on society,no myself,

now i m not afraid of death anymore,because my life is in darkness, death is something everyone faces at birth,something we cant escape from, life is fixed,its a natural thing. not intrested in anything, no idea why,but i think studying is fun, and better,cant believe i fail math again, because of !@#$%^&*Careless mistakes...thats bad, i mean i need to over come this problem...this whole week, or lets say these few weeks, i feel bad, tired, nothing fun about life. life is hopeless, cause i cant find the meaning....

not sure abut my SAT. kerri got 2200,thats good, wilson and johni got 1400,not good, not against them, but the truth. i m aiming for? i m not sure too, i guess i m aiming for 1800, thats the average, i want to get into a good university, everyone does, but what if my Math stays at a 2 for IB, that will make me hard for applying for university, i had to do something from today, from now........

i did, i understand, i did the homework teacher gave, but somehow when coming to exams i screwed up....i feel like killing myself before exams, because i dun dare to face it after exams...music...yea jimmy thinks hes good. for me performing or not performing dun matter, i have CAS hours in other ways, and i m forming a better in University , but the thing is i need to get into a university first. thats the first part. so lets work hard for now.

life sucks, nothing turns out well, i wun cut my wrists again, there is no more space for it, mayb right hand this time, instead of left, i wana feeel the pain outside and not inside.

sometimes it hurts alot to be who you are, because we can change out mind, but not our heart, kill my name or kill the i\time.....

math test result...did better than last time, mr evanno marked me wrong for 3 quesions, maybe can get 3 marks back for that, i cant be getting single digit all the time,since i got to high skl, i have never pass math, it sucks, this sucks...seriously sucks, i understand everything, but for exam i somehow always get the right questions wrong, i need to find out why that happened

fragile future 3

today in skl, a university from germany, came to our skl and gave a talk. i attended. guess i can go to germany for university, but my parents want me to go either USA or UK. its also my fault, i guess i made the wrong decision by saying i want to go america...
second day of my 17th BD, guess i still didnt founf direction in life...for 17 years, i m lost in life..its half way through IB, its the final barrier i have to cross, i cant turn back,no more chance, either make it to the goal, or die...thats life for high skl, and i need good IB results, and i m getting 7 for chem,phy,bus,ans chinese, i think i can...i hate life, i m tired of everything, y does dad make me learn about the !@#$%coloum law, when we dont need to, y does he always wanted to stuff things in my mind, i choose phy bcoz he is good in it, i m sick of living under his shadow for 17 years, i m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAT test tmr, its a mock test, second time going to take it,hope dun get that bad...i have being joining the SAT class, since the 18th, everything is going pretty good for me, at least that what i feel about it...

here i am thinking about life again, its a thought i cant get off my mind..no idea y,but somehow...yea...dad makes me study, of course,but i just notice that i have so much things to do in the following on year. Math test is on monday, i m done with hw, and i understand it, except small part of integration....

now i m beginning to hate skl more, some one took my MATH BOOK today, and hid it somewhere, i duno where it is, but i know its somewhere, if thats a prank, i hope it stop, but if that person really needs it, i will be willing to lend, i m not selfish....but dunt do that...someone has being going around stealing text books. this is not funny...i m serious, i m damn pissed now. mayb now i know y people want to do that to me...they hate me, i am hated in the class..............................

yes, i admit, sometimes i can be over reactive, but thats like 2 ,3 years ago? i m 17 now, and i know, i am beginning to think and do things like a 17 year old, not like a kid anymore, i know thats call bad impression.....

life sucks, i dun wana live anymore
whats the point of living when u know nothing turns out right
whats the point of trying when u know u will fail in the end?
whats the point of trying to get close to people, when there is a force, repelling u from them? its no point, isnt it? there might be many things waiting for me to do..and i understand...but still, y try to force pressure on me, when i m already breaking down, decaying,dissolving in everything, i m broken down into pieces...pick me up and put me back together again, but there will be cracks, and one day i will crack again.....like glass....

life is fragile, everything is, i am, i already have many cracks in my heart, and i cant take anymore, since they all dun want me in choir, i will leave...to some other CCA, i will still get CAS hours. but i like chior, its music, its something beautiful to me...music is my life! well nvm now.

my life on standby right now.......i guess when people said life is comin to an end, i know wat it mean now. i guess this is y i like this band ALESANA,because their songs suit me,

Sweat drips in my eyes
screams of lust we cry
tonight you are everything
you're everything...
you're everything to me no more
as I wake from this perfect dream
I'll escape from Eden's walls
can I not stay and live this lie?
go away and I'll think only of myself

And to think that you would not be scared
or surprised if I'd severed all these ties
this is the end...

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you

I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions...
would this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now...go away...

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you

Now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears
I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you

In my mind blood drips from your eyes
a beautiful last goodbye

going 17 in 3 days

i m becoming 17 in 3 days, one more year older, means more responsibiliy..i seem that i dun care about every thing, i m indifferent, but i do actually. i care about the world, i hear many thing about the economic crises, its on the papers, its in the news, i see it everywhere. i have to care, because adults have being talking about it, some ay it will affect me, who knows, i heard dad and mum talking a few days ago, about the economic crises..it affects me, it gets on my nerve, somehow i care..

polanise, i am gona own that song, and show to wilson and kerri who is the good one at piano, yea i know piano is not for showing off, i like it, its my personal hobby, i use it to express my feelings, but i like polonaise.

well today did something wrong, said something nasty to flo, sry , i wun do that again, i will think b4 i say anything the next time. now i am under pressure, i am sick of life, sick of friends, sick of everyone, mostly, sick of all those things i have to do...what am i going to do?i m not sure, i need a direction...a direction....I m stressed, from BIZ,Chem,Phy,Math and TOK. thats like 4 HL and 1 stupid subject, i was actually Sl for BIZ,but went for Hl lessons, duno i agreed that time...chem i am ok now, and for phy, i cant believe MR Lloyd didnt teach a lot of things, compared with the AP text book we have, IB phy is nth.....telling the truth. my left leg hurts, no idea y, guess its because i jump a lot with my left leg during matches...should use both,but somehow i use one leg, many people do...

BAnd....yea...over totally,not going to performance for Rock for charity, dun even ask me, i made up my mind, to STUDY. and get a good future, i can have like 10 bands in university,but not now...no more fun for 1 year, 1 year and i am in USA>>..time is quick...its already march now, and i am leaving in sep 2010....

only mum and dad will trust what uncle said about some angle shit. i have to face north to study well, i just lack focus, its the same everywhere, notice something in myself these few days, acting more like an American...is it good or bad? my best thinking time is now, i guess, wide awake, energetic,et. i need to lose weight, i am way to heavy, no wonder i can jump high...i m losin weight starting from tmr onwards, eat less in skl, hope i dun forget...

in skl i m just a invisible person, nobody notice i am there, at home i am just a normal boy trying to get good results in skl. in life i am a failure who never have gotton a GF till now, and a loner. IS this my life? may be i guess so, may \be this is what i am like since young.

I am not ok, i m not ok...i m not sure what to do, rather than studying, i am not that type who can sit down there for like 8 hours studying, joshua can i guess, i lose my focus span after like 3 hours, max, and there is damn bad...

just focus now, and i hope someone, can do something about the crises, its not something that i need to care about, and its not my business, but once again, i somehow need to care, because being an IB global citizen, its part of my job, may be thats y IB rocks...

I need a fresh start from 17, turn a new blank page, and leave all the things that i have done behind, and lead a new life, i need a plan...........i want a new page with no devries on it.....

me, i am sick of everybody else, the girl she has a BF, so means i am hopeless, somehow,...nvm...i am always being a failure on relationship cases, and now its also not the right time to get one.....i m sick of this life, sick of this town, sick of everyone around me,,,i am under too much pressure, from skl from home from SAT. and i am having a math test on the day of my 17th birthday, and this SAT i have a SAT test...very bad instead....who can understand, in skl, i am not being seen as appearing, they will only play with me during basketball, and since thats the case, i have nothing to worry about, and actually focus on my studies, because jeff is right, result is what get us into a good university, and a good furture..... so i need good results.

So i have to start working hard towars my aim now, and also i am gaining self confidence, bit by bit, i duno who help me ,but someone did, or is it myself, me i think this life is ruined at this stage of time, and i can do nothing, but watch it fade away....i really hope i will recieve some regconition in skl, from people...........

to be continued

running out of time

not enough time..my problem...blame myself for getting bad results in skl, its always like that since i went to secondary skl to high skl now, i am always late at sitting down and settling down to focus on studies and now i know....i have chem,phy, math and SAT....harsh!!!!!!

but now at least i am done for chemistry, i got everything, physics, i finally understood how RELATIVITY works!!!!cool enough..now only math left, i m really bad at it, but i am still able to conquer SAT math(its easy)...i am working very hard now to catch up the pace of the class and everyone in the society, i dun want to be the underdog in the society, and i am not going to be at the bottom layer of the pyrmaid....

in my SAT class,everything is fine though,its good, the teacher micheal,i call him mike,his cool,his american, i want to be like him...in the class, only four of us, 3 boys and one girl, she blonde, from holland,in SAS. She looks good, i am not implying i like her or something(or i might i duno),but i m telling the truth. but even if i like her, i said IF, i dun think she will like me, cause no one does, everyone thinks i am fat ugly, dirty and ....she might also already have a BF, god knows, well anyways no time to bother about this, i am thinking about skl life everyday...its hard...IB sucks.

i got scolded by dad for nothing, all i was was to log on to msn, i talked to no one, my friend talked to me, and i go scolded cause i log on to msn, my fault.....i m always the one blamed. its not fair, Sunny wants a laptop, he gets it, i want one too, no way is the answer. sunny went to singapore, he got a new cell, i want one too, no way again..mayb thats how the oldest is treated in the family, but these r minor thing compared to results that will get me into university,i wonder, y r my parents so harsh on me, look at my friends, i mean they get to hang out anytime they want, with friends. but i have no friends..i am a loner....and for my subject combination, i m made to choose what i dun want to...i choose physics since grade 9 and not allowed to drop it because my dad is PHD at physics, i want to choose bio, because i love bio,but no....i wana choose music for grade 11, and not chem, no way, because its important...all sorts of reason to prevent me from choosing what i want. i am tired of all these, really tired....

i am sick of this life, i wana scream, i wana talk to someone, express myself out, on the piano, to someone, tell them who i really was, but i cant, because no one would listen to me...they say boys dun cry, yea i dunt ,but i am bleeding inside of me, no one can see, i m strong on the surface, but weak beneath

my dad had always told me to be a gentle man, and be kind to other people, and always control my temper when anything happens, but the msn thing, and the car thing b4, those are big thing,(the car), but msn is a small thing, and my dad lose his temper at me, its not fair, i did what he told me to do,but y cant he see what i am trying to do. i am trying too, to get good grades, to get into a good university, to have a good future...he cant see...

this is not the life i want, i am bird in a cage, i dun want to live under the shadow of my dad anymore, i cant face anymore pressure, because i am always on the edge of breaking down, and i am suffocating from everything, love,hate,skl,SAT,insults,laughter.etc. i cant take it...cant take it...

the case that i dun have a GF is because i am not allowed, my bro sunny, found a GF, my mum said nothing,he was like 12 when he did...for me,its a different story, i have being hurt so badly, by girls, who once liked me, hurt me so badly, even guys, everyone...
i hate this world, espically girls....because i found them black, they r dark color creatures, and so i dun dare to open up myself again to the world,but i still have that little bit of love inside me, and it will still burn like fire red, if i open up, but i have to make sure i wun get hurt again...i wonder y am i a failure in love, y do girls always dump me, when i did nth wrong? yea i admit i am not a funny person, ok all i have is knowledge..i guess...and i cant say jokes....what else is the reason? in general relativity, when something with very large mass occupies a soace, it will contract into a singularity, and form a black hole, thats what happning to me now, and when i am in the black hole, i never get out.....

tired of high school, so much work to do, and pressure!!!!argh!!,well this is life...went to the first SAT class yesterday, its good, that guy is cool , he speaks with american accent, so i want to go america.lol. but i m sure i am going to american...so need SAT and IB> important, have to work hard now. after PTC, i suddenly discovered that i understand everything, even math,not all though, but improved. listening to this years grade 8 song, its pretty hard, not sure if i m taking it or not..