nth seems to work out anymore. i have beeen failing math and chem ever since i got to high school. SOMEONE tell me what to do. i give up on those subject, because i think i will fail IB anyways...
in school, i m hated, in the band, people thinks i m gay, the S4s S3s and S2s hates me, what the fuck did i do? well i know though, but that was long time ago, last SAT Digno test on Saturday, duno how much i will get. Man dream to America is no more now. i think thats the reason why i agreed to our new band name no more tomorrow...
Chem is easy, i get it, math is soso, some chapters not hard, some is. but when ever coming to exams, i m always screwing, same for physics,business and the rest....
i dont know y, but when exams comes, the first thought that come to my mind is 'i m going to fail". god and i really failed..uncle told me to think of red, mum and grandma told me to have faith and confidence, but how?
lying to myself saying i can do it, when i cant is not going to help. something goes wrong inside me....which i dont know y, everyone has their own strength, my is music, and concepts, not application....but this world works on application, and i want a Iphone, but most properbly not going to get it...this life is not what is seems, it contains more than i can ever take....
it contains more than i can ever get through
for once i understand something in math...well....good for me....
i wanted to do many things myself, i wanted to live myself, do things myself, lear how to drive.etc...many many more, but somehow i cant do something without the help of parents. another chem test on the 17th...i m going to fail again...because i always fail and i give up...math guess testing soon, and business test is near by, i forgot when though..but i must do well for business, i need to have a high predicted grade, to increase on my GPA, and SAT, thats something i m worrying the most, andi m working hard on it....die man die...die and no pressure at all.
the truth is, i duno y am i on earth, i have a mission, everyone does, but i cant find any evidence or clue to lead me to the answer...i m still searching for it....y people hate me, yea even in choir, alright, victor u will get it, u will..!!!!
i never forget that scene, and us sister is a bitch to me, so i aint scared of u, jeff wun help, i do things myself, my friends, called "friends".....
i need direction in life, things are storing up in my heart, i need to release it, in my own way...............
Apr 2, 2009
Mar 29, 2009
i duno, SAT is in may second, its fast i have like only a month left, need to work harder, and RFC, its driving me nuts, too much things, how am i going to compromise with all those things i m facing, who understands?
At least i dont, i dont think i can take this anymore,....i dun even think i can get a good score on the SAT, no point lying to myself, and i said i wun let micheal down, i will try, but if i do, sry then man, i tried, many thing i think icant do.
and i aint gay, but i m not that kind of evil person, although i say somethings, but i never mean it, and of course, i never do those things,
life sucks, and i m sry janice, i didnt tell u , u were out of the band, its not my intension, its jimmys idea, i m sry for everything i have done, i m sry sry sry sry sry sry sry.....how am i feeling now, the truth is, i have no idea too, i lost direction in life, and i dun think i can ever find it, its so wrong, everything is so wrong here.
its very very wrong......
At least i dont, i dont think i can take this anymore,....i dun even think i can get a good score on the SAT, no point lying to myself, and i said i wun let micheal down, i will try, but if i do, sry then man, i tried, many thing i think icant do.
and i aint gay, but i m not that kind of evil person, although i say somethings, but i never mean it, and of course, i never do those things,
life sucks, and i m sry janice, i didnt tell u , u were out of the band, its not my intension, its jimmys idea, i m sry for everything i have done, i m sry sry sry sry sry sry sry.....how am i feeling now, the truth is, i have no idea too, i lost direction in life, and i dun think i can ever find it, its so wrong, everything is so wrong here.
its very very wrong......
Mar 19, 2009
Mar 15, 2009
i got the gayest hair cut of my whole fucking life, duno y my mum likes that, i have my style, now its broken....damn....nvm...cant change it
today i talked about university with my mum, she said once i left home, many things will be different, i have to learn to drive, cook. etc. thats what sunny said. hes back from Singapore for a week, as he is having holiday there. and i just found out that my SAT teacher is like 5 years older than me! wow! anyways hes cool, i think he is from Colorado university not sure though, he said hes from Penn state. lol...
but i want a better life, i m tired and sick of everything.
thanks sunny for all the food and drinks from Singapore, my brother is kind, i never notice that, he is somewhat like me, the personality, but not really the same. i guess i am way to kind, and thats why people wants to hurt me. Because thats is what i m told from young, we have to do good things, not bad things, i guess i need to hide, hide from all the attacks and insults from others, and find my own life. SAT i m not sure if i can make it or not. I dunt dare to take another test by myself, because i dun dare to see the results, i dunt...i m not sure why, but ever since the last few months of my 16th years old, i start to be less intrested in everything, and also my temper dropped dramatically, nothing pissed me off as easy as before, i m not sure what cause this, but i am sure that i am changing, changing into someone who i dunt even know who i am now......
today i talked about university with my mum, she said once i left home, many things will be different, i have to learn to drive, cook. etc. thats what sunny said. hes back from Singapore for a week, as he is having holiday there. and i just found out that my SAT teacher is like 5 years older than me! wow! anyways hes cool, i think he is from Colorado university not sure though, he said hes from Penn state. lol...
but i want a better life, i m tired and sick of everything.
thanks sunny for all the food and drinks from Singapore, my brother is kind, i never notice that, he is somewhat like me, the personality, but not really the same. i guess i am way to kind, and thats why people wants to hurt me. Because thats is what i m told from young, we have to do good things, not bad things, i guess i need to hide, hide from all the attacks and insults from others, and find my own life. SAT i m not sure if i can make it or not. I dunt dare to take another test by myself, because i dun dare to see the results, i dunt...i m not sure why, but ever since the last few months of my 16th years old, i start to be less intrested in everything, and also my temper dropped dramatically, nothing pissed me off as easy as before, i m not sure what cause this, but i am sure that i am changing, changing into someone who i dunt even know who i am now......
Mar 13, 2009
Mar 11, 2009
Fragile future 5
this year is important, i mean SAT, i should get full marks on grammer, because i should!
Well sry chong han, for what happened to u, i mean there are girls better than her, i know u thats u give in alot, or lets say contribute...man cheer up dun be like me, i m a failer, its natural, but u r so much better than me, i m sure u will get someone.
i m sleeping late everyday now, feeling very tired, sign, i dun have a choice do i, i want a good life, so must work hard now!!!! every exam and homework counts, math......i have being bad since young, but i understand, but somehow in exams, i always screw up, i need to find out y, man this life is boring, tell me something i m worth to live in this world for.
i am not sure how much i can take this anymore, not sure whats my aim now, i m lost, and i need to find my direction in life. can anyone tell me where the light is, someone guide me?
i m the oldest in the family, which means, i have the most reponsibiliy to my future, cause i will need to support the family when i grow up, but i m not sure if i can make it to university or not, i m close very close, this year at this date, i am like 30% from university gate, but the last 30% is the hardest, u may say i have being through this for 17 years, yes but i m afraid i cant make it to the final percent.........
Well sry chong han, for what happened to u, i mean there are girls better than her, i know u thats u give in alot, or lets say contribute...man cheer up dun be like me, i m a failer, its natural, but u r so much better than me, i m sure u will get someone.
i m sleeping late everyday now, feeling very tired, sign, i dun have a choice do i, i want a good life, so must work hard now!!!! every exam and homework counts, math......i have being bad since young, but i understand, but somehow in exams, i always screw up, i need to find out y, man this life is boring, tell me something i m worth to live in this world for.
i am not sure how much i can take this anymore, not sure whats my aim now, i m lost, and i need to find my direction in life. can anyone tell me where the light is, someone guide me?
i m the oldest in the family, which means, i have the most reponsibiliy to my future, cause i will need to support the family when i grow up, but i m not sure if i can make it to university or not, i m close very close, this year at this date, i am like 30% from university gate, but the last 30% is the hardest, u may say i have being through this for 17 years, yes but i m afraid i cant make it to the final percent.........
Mar 8, 2009
fragile future 4
dun think i am going to perform for RFC(rock for charity). i guess now i know why people kick me out of the band? am i bossy?sometimes i guess,or most of the time..sry..but i am beginning to hate society, i m blaming it on society,no myself,
now i m not afraid of death anymore,because my life is in darkness, death is something everyone faces at birth,something we cant escape from, life is fixed,its a natural thing. not intrested in anything, no idea why,but i think studying is fun, and better,cant believe i fail math again, because of !@#$%^&*Careless mistakes...thats bad, i mean i need to over come this problem...this whole week, or lets say these few weeks, i feel bad, tired, nothing fun about life. life is hopeless, cause i cant find the meaning....
not sure abut my SAT. kerri got 2200,thats good, wilson and johni got 1400,not good, not against them, but the truth. i m aiming for? i m not sure too, i guess i m aiming for 1800, thats the average, i want to get into a good university, everyone does, but what if my Math stays at a 2 for IB, that will make me hard for applying for university, i had to do something from today, from now........
i did, i understand, i did the homework teacher gave, but somehow when coming to exams i screwed up....i feel like killing myself before exams, because i dun dare to face it after exams...music...yea jimmy thinks hes good. for me performing or not performing dun matter, i have CAS hours in other ways, and i m forming a better in University , but the thing is i need to get into a university first. thats the first part. so lets work hard for now.
life sucks, nothing turns out well, i wun cut my wrists again, there is no more space for it, mayb right hand this time, instead of left, i wana feeel the pain outside and not inside.
sometimes it hurts alot to be who you are, because we can change out mind, but not our heart, kill my name or kill the i\time.....
now i m not afraid of death anymore,because my life is in darkness, death is something everyone faces at birth,something we cant escape from, life is fixed,its a natural thing. not intrested in anything, no idea why,but i think studying is fun, and better,cant believe i fail math again, because of !@#$%^&*Careless mistakes...thats bad, i mean i need to over come this problem...this whole week, or lets say these few weeks, i feel bad, tired, nothing fun about life. life is hopeless, cause i cant find the meaning....
not sure abut my SAT. kerri got 2200,thats good, wilson and johni got 1400,not good, not against them, but the truth. i m aiming for? i m not sure too, i guess i m aiming for 1800, thats the average, i want to get into a good university, everyone does, but what if my Math stays at a 2 for IB, that will make me hard for applying for university, i had to do something from today, from now........
i did, i understand, i did the homework teacher gave, but somehow when coming to exams i screwed up....i feel like killing myself before exams, because i dun dare to face it after exams...music...yea jimmy thinks hes good. for me performing or not performing dun matter, i have CAS hours in other ways, and i m forming a better in University , but the thing is i need to get into a university first. thats the first part. so lets work hard for now.
life sucks, nothing turns out well, i wun cut my wrists again, there is no more space for it, mayb right hand this time, instead of left, i wana feeel the pain outside and not inside.
sometimes it hurts alot to be who you are, because we can change out mind, but not our heart, kill my name or kill the i\time.....
Mar 5, 2009
math test result...did better than last time, mr evanno marked me wrong for 3 quesions, maybe can get 3 marks back for that, i cant be getting single digit all the time,since i got to high skl, i have never pass math, it sucks, this sucks...seriously sucks, i understand everything, but for exam i somehow always get the right questions wrong, i need to find out why that happened
Mar 3, 2009
fragile future 3
today in skl, a university from germany, came to our skl and gave a talk. i attended. guess i can go to germany for university, but my parents want me to go either USA or UK. its also my fault, i guess i made the wrong decision by saying i want to go america...
second day of my 17th BD, guess i still didnt founf direction in life...for 17 years, i m lost in life..its half way through IB, its the final barrier i have to cross, i cant turn back,no more chance, either make it to the goal, or die...thats life for high skl, and i need good IB results, and i m getting 7 for chem,phy,bus,ans chinese, i think i can...i hate life, i m tired of everything, y does dad make me learn about the !@#$%coloum law, when we dont need to, y does he always wanted to stuff things in my mind, i choose phy bcoz he is good in it, i m sick of living under his shadow for 17 years, i m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
second day of my 17th BD, guess i still didnt founf direction in life...for 17 years, i m lost in life..its half way through IB, its the final barrier i have to cross, i cant turn back,no more chance, either make it to the goal, or die...thats life for high skl, and i need good IB results, and i m getting 7 for chem,phy,bus,ans chinese, i think i can...i hate life, i m tired of everything, y does dad make me learn about the !@#$%coloum law, when we dont need to, y does he always wanted to stuff things in my mind, i choose phy bcoz he is good in it, i m sick of living under his shadow for 17 years, i m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feb 27, 2009
SAT test tmr, its a mock test, second time going to take it,hope dun get that bad...i have being joining the SAT class, since the 18th, everything is going pretty good for me, at least that what i feel about it...
here i am thinking about life again, its a thought i cant get off my mind..no idea y,but somehow...yea...dad makes me study, of course,but i just notice that i have so much things to do in the following on year. Math test is on monday, i m done with hw, and i understand it, except small part of integration....
now i m beginning to hate skl more, some one took my MATH BOOK today, and hid it somewhere, i duno where it is, but i know its somewhere, if thats a prank, i hope it stop, but if that person really needs it, i will be willing to lend, i m not selfish....but dunt do that...someone has being going around stealing text books. this is not funny...i m serious, i m damn pissed now. mayb now i know y people want to do that to me...they hate me, i am hated in the class..............................
yes, i admit, sometimes i can be over reactive, but thats like 2 ,3 years ago? i m 17 now, and i know, i am beginning to think and do things like a 17 year old, not like a kid anymore, i know thats call bad impression.....
life sucks, i dun wana live anymore
whats the point of living when u know nothing turns out right
whats the point of trying when u know u will fail in the end?
whats the point of trying to get close to people, when there is a force, repelling u from them? its no point, isnt it? there might be many things waiting for me to do..and i understand...but still, y try to force pressure on me, when i m already breaking down, decaying,dissolving in everything, i m broken down into pieces...pick me up and put me back together again, but there will be cracks, and one day i will crack again.....like glass....
life is fragile, everything is, i am, i already have many cracks in my heart, and i cant take anymore, since they all dun want me in choir, i will leave...to some other CCA, i will still get CAS hours. but i like chior, its music, its something beautiful to me...music is my life! well nvm now.
my life on standby right now.......i guess when people said life is comin to an end, i know wat it mean now. i guess this is y i like this band ALESANA,because their songs suit me,
Sweat drips in my eyes
screams of lust we cry
tonight you are everything
you're everything...
you're everything to me no more
as I wake from this perfect dream
I'll escape from Eden's walls
can I not stay and live this lie?
go away and I'll think only of myself
And to think that you would not be scared
or surprised if I'd severed all these ties
this is the end...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions...
would this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now...go away...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
Now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears
I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
In my mind blood drips from your eyes
a beautiful last goodbye
here i am thinking about life again, its a thought i cant get off my mind..no idea y,but somehow...yea...dad makes me study, of course,but i just notice that i have so much things to do in the following on year. Math test is on monday, i m done with hw, and i understand it, except small part of integration....
now i m beginning to hate skl more, some one took my MATH BOOK today, and hid it somewhere, i duno where it is, but i know its somewhere, if thats a prank, i hope it stop, but if that person really needs it, i will be willing to lend, i m not selfish....but dunt do that...someone has being going around stealing text books. this is not funny...i m serious, i m damn pissed now. mayb now i know y people want to do that to me...they hate me, i am hated in the class..............................
yes, i admit, sometimes i can be over reactive, but thats like 2 ,3 years ago? i m 17 now, and i know, i am beginning to think and do things like a 17 year old, not like a kid anymore, i know thats call bad impression.....
life sucks, i dun wana live anymore
whats the point of living when u know nothing turns out right
whats the point of trying when u know u will fail in the end?
whats the point of trying to get close to people, when there is a force, repelling u from them? its no point, isnt it? there might be many things waiting for me to do..and i understand...but still, y try to force pressure on me, when i m already breaking down, decaying,dissolving in everything, i m broken down into pieces...pick me up and put me back together again, but there will be cracks, and one day i will crack again.....like glass....
life is fragile, everything is, i am, i already have many cracks in my heart, and i cant take anymore, since they all dun want me in choir, i will leave...to some other CCA, i will still get CAS hours. but i like chior, its music, its something beautiful to me...music is my life! well nvm now.
my life on standby right now.......i guess when people said life is comin to an end, i know wat it mean now. i guess this is y i like this band ALESANA,because their songs suit me,
Sweat drips in my eyes
screams of lust we cry
tonight you are everything
you're everything...
you're everything to me no more
as I wake from this perfect dream
I'll escape from Eden's walls
can I not stay and live this lie?
go away and I'll think only of myself
And to think that you would not be scared
or surprised if I'd severed all these ties
this is the end...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions...
would this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now...go away...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
Now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears
I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
In my mind blood drips from your eyes
a beautiful last goodbye
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