I want an iphone. i do, well before that i said i wanted a mac book, but it seems too expensive, so i changed to i phone, but now it seems same too, expansive. it is about 300USD for a 8Gb one, i mean mum said that the economics is bad, and we should waste money,its true, well ok then lets say i dun get anything for my birthday, i dun mind. i wonder why i met or lets say crash into this economic crises, this is unfair, i hope OBAMA can do something, i am sure he can, and he will. i dun want to be 17, its hard for me to accept it, accept the truth that i am leaving for University soon , accepting the fact that i will soon become an adult, and leave home, well everyone has to go through that process, its normal, but it feels bad and non exciting anymore, when u know that u r leaving home and leaving the ones u love behind, and go somewhere.......

jimmy talked to me about the band. seriously, i dun reali care now, sometimes i wonder y i aint born in western countries, as in live there. if id live there, maybe i wun have to be under so much pressure now, yea of course, i wun meet so much friends. i just dun know, i wanted to be a teacher when i grew up, or a doctor, or...but most important thing is, i have to enter a university first, if i dun enter university, the rest is all bullshit. have to start working now, i guess, i must. and for this band, maybe i focus on it again after may second after my sat test, and i hope i score well. very well. life is getter harder and harder day by day, yea i am high one, and i know the reponsibility on me, personally. these few days, i did SAT, and i also read sophie world, and the outsider, i learned many new thing through books, and also many ways of writing, so reading actually helps. language may be facinating to one, but i was wondering, even if my english is not good, but lets say i cant speak it at all, whats the big deal, everyone learns. i just want a good and peaceful life. i just want everything to turn out right, and i can go into university, and i hope i dun fail IB........

Mayb the happiest thing for me this life is to be with my band members, because only when i am with them, i feel relieve, and happy, all the pressure is gone when i am with them, but i cant do band anymore, which i want to, everyone wants to, but i had to prepare for SAT. and is UMASS really a bad university? yea of course it is not as good as NUS, but at least i have a uni to go, i dun wana go NUS, because i dun feel like mgoing

SAT in May 2, inSingapore, am i ready? well i am not sure, i guess i am, 2009 largest news for me, i am going to conquer the SAT once , i m taking it only once, and i m sending it to the university i want. But also i have to improve my work in school. English....math....chem....sign.... cant do shit now, work hard, now its not the time to relax, my furture depends on now...

I duno

yea, alright i got scolded like shit from my dad, just because i scratch my mums car with my bike. That was an accident, i didnt mean to do it on purpose,plus i dun feel good too, making that mark there...i cant believe what my dad said to me, he said:"Youre 16, and u r acting like 1 or 2 years old little child, the older u get, the more stupid u r, u know how precious the car is, how can u do that..i m very disapoinnted at u, i dun have such a stupid son like u."fine tats ok to me, cause he always said that to me, and i know i m careless,but i m trying to learn..everyone makes mistakes and they learn from it. second thing, for my band, Jimmys mum wants to come and watch live performance,but out mangement dun allow, so i went to the mangement with jimmy and said its not fair, yea i was complaining, and my dad shouted at me, guess what he said:"they give u a chance to perform, because they didnt look down on u, do u think u guys r really that good, Who do u think u guys r?!.still have the pride to call urself a BAND,people call u a band bcoz they respect u, if it wasnt ur mum who organises the music part, u guys cant even get to perform, so if u want to perform, u go, or ask ur friends to FUCK off, we dun need them here." thats unfair,why,cause he insulted my friends...it is unfair...

My dad always told me, to do things carefully, and also talk to people in a nice way,but how about him, he always lose his things, and he is careless, so y cant i be careless for once? yea i know it hurts when a new car is being damaged, but when i dad buys a brand new SET OF GOLF clubs, dont he feel hurt spending that much money?

In all these case i being through, its always releated to money, y is people always stuck with money, is money so important? yea it is, somehow, we can buything with money, but if money is not being invented, nothing will have happened, no pain, no hurt, no nothing....

I hate my dad, Y r all parents like that?I actually cried for the first time, very hard, because i cant stand this anymore, also i talked back to my dad for the very first time, i dun want to live under his control anymore,mayb this is the life of a eastern child in a eastern family....y is my life so bad......

Thinking about what my dad said, mayb we aint really a band, i am not critisizing, but i dun think we r good enough, we dun have movements, because those guys dun dare to move,so our band is like dead, and stiff, and i m quiting cause i want a better band...sersiously...we should do something, or i aint performing for the school expo...i dun wana embrasse myself, and JIMMY, i guess u can stop dreaming about ur dream of becoming famous, because we wun

Life is Not A Waiting Room

Life is not waiting room, there is a lot of things i cant wait anymore, example like studying for university, i am doing it now, and also improving on my basketball and my piano skills. i didnt said i wanted to be professional on piano and basketball, but those things might help me one day, who knows?i have no more time, my IA is here, and test and homework at the same time, now i know what High school is like, it never ends.......but in reliaty it will...university...sounds scary to me, i need to do VERY WELL for my IA, it will help me for my marks at the end...so cant screw up, math IA, HARD. Life is not a waiting room, sometimes, we have to work first, we cant just sit there and wait, but this is not really true too, some things we can also wait, or we can choose not to have it, what is something a living room dun have? BED! which means love relationship, which is something not important to me.....i dun mind seriously, because i have described it before. Tension is building in me, steadily, everyone moving away from me, i feel heavy forces forcing their way out of me, i cant hold it on anymore, cause i swear, i wun wait anymore, i wun wait for things for change, i will change it before anything or anyone does anything. 3 tests in 2 weeks, it this what i waited for no, plus and IA, in 3 weeks, so manythings,thats sounds hard, but i m ok for business i guess, and i aint screwing for math and chem again, or i am really gona killl myself, i guess everyone knows what marks i got, i want to prove to the world, i aint the worst, and i am gona open the university gate that is closing........

TO BE CONTINUTED>>.....

I know you Dont like my voice
I know You Dont like my face
and I know You dont like me at all...
BUt You can never change me
Because i m always who i am

I know you know this..
You saw me, trying to change
But you pretend you dont
You just want to hurt me
and leave me desprate

i will show you, who i really is
through fighting you back
i will turned on the radio loud
and scream at you face
I will let you know how it feels to be like me

What it is like to be hurt
To be hated, to live,
under you control,Under you
I had enough, i will stand up now
Because i am sick of all the lies
and i had enough of all the pain

Tonight will be your dying day
Because dying is your latest fashion
And I am telling you
I am not a curse, i aint a Nightmare
I am a HUMAN, I am ALIVE

So look at me now, I will say
I want...
Apology from you
Now i am telling you
how it feels to be like me

And you will regret
for what you;ve done to me
all these years, all the things you done to me
I will give it back to you.

I always lie to myself
telling myself life is good
everything will change
but it seems that nth did
so now, i am changing life
the sin is beautiful outside
on a vast ocean
i make my way into the ocean

sailing far away on my little raft i made
maybe the ocean waves will sink me
and i die,die,die,die,die
but if i m saved,
than i will thank god,
for he let me live

but still i will,cut myself on the wrist
and end this life, because
Everyone wants me to do so
they hope i do

Fate Outside these doors
Of masques and martyrs aid the loveless
The sin was beautiful
Blank empire closed,the eyes of heaven shine a
smoke screen, a voice
the sound was kissed and sold
Best regards to the fashion corpse of grey
It thins the shallow blood in me

A century of open arms that shield the light
This battle scar is healing
Cast all the pain to the tourniquet that binds me
I fell in love with an Angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
Bless these shadows and tested everyone
They can't steal our love tonight.

This song, what does it imply, pesonally i do not know...i wish i had a laptop for christmas, i also wished for a new ipod or handphone...i guess everyone in my class got a Christmas present..i didnt dare to tell my Christmas wishes to my parents, because its unreliable....and they wun buy me one. they will say, use ur results to change for it, or its economic crises, y cant they just say NO direction, y does everyone has or likes to speak in circles...y cant they be straight forward...yea today choir, sing siren, i m offtune, no big deal, no need to laugh, i still can be the best though, i didnt know i could sing saprano...but i dun like, i wana go tenor, but i had already being singing bass for so long, i m not like jeff, he has a deeper voice, he is sutiable for bass, but i m not, so everytime i sing bass i need to strech myself to do it.......

WHY is it so tiring to lead a good life....Y?i duno what kind of person i m now....today TOK talks about some sexist problem against girls in a book....i used to disagree, but today i felt nothing..which i dont know y, mayb i m really becomin emotionless...but thats good too, so that i dun feel anything anymore at any moment....for my performance,,,i hope to invite some teachers to come and watch...i hope that they do come actually......

UNtitled

This is unfair, how can someone make negative commands about our and on youtube, you dont have the right. yea i swear i'd never fight anyone, and i wont break my word, but this really pissed me off, to me, this seems like an insult. if you think you are so good, so youtube and paste you own video, dun command on ous, u little Bas....well anyways, nvm...

i have having a bad headache, i guess i have being worrying about too many things...BAnd..School...homework....university...and etc...yea this four i do worry, because it involves me in it..but somehow it affected me too much i guess, and caused me a bad headache. i just cant get to sleep at night, without listening to music, duno whats going on inside me...but i tried, i actually slept at 3 these few days, no idea why...well i heard many people in our class are taking SAT this month, well they are taking 2x. but my mum wants me to take it once. in June, just one time, which means, i cant back off, for anything. school is for sure. but band i guess i can, i was invited by my mangment, i promised, but if i backoff now, then my image will be damaged....and i wun be trusted anymore...trouble, we need guitars.!!!!someone help us with it. its just the starting of a new year, and to me, it seems like a disaster.

well. i guess i need to do something. i dont wana be a curse, to anyone...i recalled my "love Relationship" with some girls in my life...none last longer than a few months, is it my problem, i got rejected too, there are more than one girl who told me to go to hell...so now i hate, i started to hate, before i never knew what hate is like,but now i know, i know it all, and one day i will die of it, but before i die, i will write my sentence with blood dripping from my veins, i will go quietly, like the protagonist in "the Metarmophosis"...but i dun wana die in that way, i have my own way....my dreams slowly turning from white to black, they die, they die, they die!. i m having no more dreams, mayb because there is no more thoughts in my mind when i am alseep..
what can i do, to make people trust me, about the email i send out, y do i have to joke about it?i aint that childish...but it seems like no one cares...yea 2 more germans coming to my band?lright that makes 7 people, i dun feel like wanting them to join, i aint racist, but i guess jimmy will kick me and jeff out,i duno. he might god knows. there are many X values in life which we do not know, i really wonder how this year would be like. today Charlotte said that failing IB done matter, as long as we do well for SAT we still can go to uni. but i dun agree, yea although american universities weigh about 80% of SAT scores, and 10% of school transcripts, but its still important...therefore i need to work hard. i guess for chem and math i can only hit a 4, i want a 5. i believe i can do it,start from now. everyday in class, i feel i m different ffrom others, from personality. i guess i m anit society, anti everyone. is this nihiism?i aint learning anything from the book we learned. but this is how i feel. i tried to open myself up, and not to have that "metal covering" around me, but i cant. because i m really scared of getting hurt again, i cant take in anymore pains, i wounded already, all over, and i m not healing, i need to heal, before i open up, and how long will this take, 2, 3 years?or maybe longer, personally, i do not know,and i know, everytime i get hurt, the words will hit my "metal covering" and it will close on me tighter and tighter............
Thats y my blog name is what u see...........

What a day

one more day passed. I did something. SAT revision and Piano...i guess thats all i am able to do at home..skl will in be 1 more day after tmr...em,,,two weeks of holiday just gone like this...i guess i made good use of my skl holidays revising everything, so i suppose i m ready for exams that is coming....prepared to face it, anyways, i cant ran away, these few days ICS channel is having better and better movies,good thing

First day of 2009

alright one day is gone...skl in 4 days...finally. today i played piano did SAT as usual...but i guess i need to imporve on my critical reading section for SAT..i have being getting lesser than 650....,cant be in that way..that sucks...although i m geting higher than 1800 for SAT,but my math varies around 650-700...need to improve also...because most universities weighs that mostly...,but still over results also quite important...i need to be consistent...just like for bball, my way of shooting always changes at different, which i need to maintain it...i can score...but its not good enough,,tme owning some chinese noobs...they think they so good? yea...i seen them play....bringing Jesse tmr, hes the best PG of SAS, Varsity bball team. thats good. i hope i score more tmr also...i read the news today..it seems like 2008 is not a very pleasent year...earthquake...war conflict...economic crises....and natural disasters...how unfair is life...my title of todays SAT work. 'Do our lives change according to our decisions, or according to the things that happened around us." mayb we will know after reading the news...because i agree with the second part..ok i m waiting to get the piece of paper from ABRSM,i want to see y they fail me though...i might retake next year,but i dun feel like,cause i cant get Aural and Sight reading...I m sure i failed Aural, cause i cant hear the note, as in what the note is, so i sometimes wonder how i played the piano...am i tone deaf or something?

I wrote a new piano song today,but i tore it up and threw it away, because no one will appreacite it, and for me, its enough when i had it in my mind...nth else...i will enjoy it myself...A Song by Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for lovers....i guess it is, never being there...but i like that song, mayb next time if i m in a better band in US, i will write something like that too, i always can, or mayb i should just use those songs i wrote days before.........

me, i m sensetive to some word such as. LOVE. FRIENDSHIP,RELATIONSHIP,HAppiness, JOy..etc...anything releated to that..so people plz, never talk about those words infront of me,because it hurts alot...

2009, i m one year older 17. i feel more pressured, because it means one year closer to the doors of university,,,which make me feel scared and nervous,because i dun think i can make it, not in all subjects......math and chem........no......i need to improve on math, and i duno y i always fail chem,,i just cant be able to find the reason....i need to find it somehow, i always approach the teacher for something i dunt know, but still, no one seems wanting to tell me the reason y i keep failing chem.....is it because of expression problems?

if is wasnt because of our band, i wun do apologise personally, although its a song for telling a girl its too late to apologise, but thats what all girls will cause to guys(not being sexist),but i have being through it, so i know, i know it deeply, personally.....