in school now, trying to figure out what to do for our class website. its called the pub, good name though,but i duno what i should do, and no one is bothered to tell me, and so i will just try to figure it out myself, well need a photo, what am i going to put, piano, chopin, or some rock band. well i guess everything work,i hate life, and i hate friday, because its PTC, which means i am getting screwed in school, because i am doing badly in skl, but i know and i am goin to do something to improve my results at chem and math, i mean this two are imporant subjects, i am not implying that the rest its not important, but i dun want my overall results to be pulled down just by this 2 subjects, so i need to work on it, i have no idea actually where it went wrong,, so i am going to figure it out. but i know i will find the problem sometimes, in term 3 and 4, at the end of term 4 i am going to get my results up, and actually get a 4 for each of theser 2 subjects. with confidence, i am sure that i am able to do it, and i will..so trust myself now...i am trying to gain self confidence, can i ? because there is a barrier, which i dunt know what is actually is...but i will get over it sometime in my life. My SAT in about 2 month time, time flies fast, i need to do very werll for my SAT in order to get into a good american university. and i have no idea who i really am now...........just die.........

SAT????life????nothing is ontrack

Alright 1790, thats the mark i got when doing by myself at home,but when i enter the test center i got 1320. i mean thats a big difference. mayb its because i am nervous,but anyways, i still plan to improve more on my SAT results, i need to learn the method. My skl IB, thats what i m worried about, well i guess term 2 report, chinese 7, business 6,English 5,chem 2, math is 2, and phy is 4 mayb. thats meakes 26 out of 42, very bad man, i mean i want at least 30+ to get into a good university, or at least 35 plus, well i need to work harder on my math, but what is the problem, i am not sure too, i just cant get anything right during a test, same for chemistry, my next step i m going to take it slowly, i am improving my chem to a reliable mark, to get good marks like chunerr(not that good but best in our class)..hes like the best, ok i can do it, all i need it movtivation, for physics, i understand, the concepts, this year, everything is hard, it looks hard seems hard and everything elese, and why cant anyone send me the file for siBelius 5, i need it. Life is a nightmare, i want a nre start, a new blank page in my bible science, turn a new page for me... 42,42,42,42,42,42. thats the number that is always appearing on my mind, because somehow that is linked with me....yea it sure it, well today i analyzed my problem on SAT, i dun have understanding problem, its just carelessness and stupidness that brings me down all the time, just like in skl, for math exam and for chem exam, i aint blamin anyone or anything, but somehow i think this is my problem. yea people say i m werid, i am emo, i cut myself, i talk to myself, so? thats me.....i duno who i am, yea mayb outside it seems i am Alex, but actually i was dead long time ago, i died because of sorrow,pain,hatred, and pressure. now i know what is pressure like, how it feel,SAT...do i really have to go to america?yea i just dun wana go Sg because of NS,but what if like FUCK IT
world economic crises, and everything around me, i duno why i need to care, or lets say want to care,but somehow i care about it, guess what Alex, you are not asking for a new present for your BD, because our family has no money, and dad is on the border on losing his job...so lets save money. Alex, you are the weight for your family, your parents has to pay for your university educational fees, and you are doing badly in skl and for SAT, stop making them worrying, do something, prove to the world u can do it. i know i am the weight for my family, but if i dun go into university( at least good), then my life is ruined, i wun want to be blue collar whole of my life, therefore i have to start workin,everynight b4 i sleep, i was thinking about skl,SAT, Piano, everything, University, thinking what kind of uni i will get into, wondering what will be my final IB marks, 35 or 25? mayb its the second one, but i sure get higher than that, because IB states, u cant get more than 2 twos in ur report, and no ones allows, i wun get ones in final, but who knows....chem and math, i suddenly feel everything is so hard, so stressful, i wana go away, leave this world, or mayb go africa, let me die myself, because i cant take this anymore.......who understands.........35, i want a 35,but i need to work towards that aim,no use without working hard,but there is always a barrier that prevents me from doing so, i am not sure what is it, mayb i am the barrier, and to break it, break me, but is there any other barrier than i cant get through, i duno. i act normal infront of my parents, because i dun want them to worry about me, but i know its hard to be 2 different person, but i have lead a life like this....

What the f

WTf man, i failed math like shit, ok this is damn damn bad. there is 3 questions that i should get correct, chem i improved,but still bad enough, i wonder if i can make it into uni, i think i m getting 4s for phy chem and math at the overall, that makes 12 marks, and i need 10 more, so i was hopingon chinese to get 7 which is 19, and ela is 4 whcih is 23(GOT IB) and business mayb 6, that 29. which is one mark away from my aim, and thats seriously bad out of 45, i mean, our skl is not good enough personally. PTC in one week, guess i know what kind of commands i will get. i am ready to be screwed, everytime of this year, is my worse time, but i usually get better after that, which i hope i do. my SAT, thats the thing, together with skl, its getting on my nerves, shit man, i can take this anymore. THIS YEAR IS A DISASTER. i want to die leh, finish it up, go to heaven...wa lao......i cant stand presure anymore, anyways i cant get anything right, anything to go, so what for living on?but still i tried, but i believe i found the right method of studying, so mayb it will make me improve will it?

SOMEONE TELL ME?
this life is never what i expected

tmr, i am taking a SAT Diagnostic test, in huai hai road. well its the second time that i am actually taking it. The first time i took it, i got 1100. which is VERY bad. But this time, i am going to get higher, because i have practised for a long time, this time maybe i will hit the 1600 barrier, well thats not good too, but i hope i get 1800. From today onwards, i am going to be very busy, need to prepare for SAT, its in 87 days. I might be also retaking grade 8 ABRSM, and i wun fail the second time, because i have the right sounds for the notes, as i have tuned my piano already. I am not sure if i hate my dad for screaming at me for the car, but this few days, that image always appear in my mind, everything i said and did, in school and at home, i duno what cause it to flash back, but i know that there is something going on inside me.

i got this SAt book, which teaches me how to score 2400 for the SAT, which i hope i can do it. I learned two new sayings.

1. NO PAIN NO GAIN
2. PRACTISE MAKES PERFECT.
This two saying are really true, and it really works. My friends Jeff, and my brother sunny, they are all SCS, why cant i be one then, no one bothers to inform me, it doesnt matter, in school , i will just be who i am, what i always do, i will do it..
but i hate this life, i hate it really much, this year 2009 and 2008 and 2007 are disasters for me, because i have being through so much, and no one can share, i keep it within myself, and one day , i will express it out as songs................

I want an iphone. i do, well before that i said i wanted a mac book, but it seems too expensive, so i changed to i phone, but now it seems same too, expansive. it is about 300USD for a 8Gb one, i mean mum said that the economics is bad, and we should waste money,its true, well ok then lets say i dun get anything for my birthday, i dun mind. i wonder why i met or lets say crash into this economic crises, this is unfair, i hope OBAMA can do something, i am sure he can, and he will. i dun want to be 17, its hard for me to accept it, accept the truth that i am leaving for University soon , accepting the fact that i will soon become an adult, and leave home, well everyone has to go through that process, its normal, but it feels bad and non exciting anymore, when u know that u r leaving home and leaving the ones u love behind, and go somewhere.......

jimmy talked to me about the band. seriously, i dun reali care now, sometimes i wonder y i aint born in western countries, as in live there. if id live there, maybe i wun have to be under so much pressure now, yea of course, i wun meet so much friends. i just dun know, i wanted to be a teacher when i grew up, or a doctor, or...but most important thing is, i have to enter a university first, if i dun enter university, the rest is all bullshit. have to start working now, i guess, i must. and for this band, maybe i focus on it again after may second after my sat test, and i hope i score well. very well. life is getter harder and harder day by day, yea i am high one, and i know the reponsibility on me, personally. these few days, i did SAT, and i also read sophie world, and the outsider, i learned many new thing through books, and also many ways of writing, so reading actually helps. language may be facinating to one, but i was wondering, even if my english is not good, but lets say i cant speak it at all, whats the big deal, everyone learns. i just want a good and peaceful life. i just want everything to turn out right, and i can go into university, and i hope i dun fail IB........

Mayb the happiest thing for me this life is to be with my band members, because only when i am with them, i feel relieve, and happy, all the pressure is gone when i am with them, but i cant do band anymore, which i want to, everyone wants to, but i had to prepare for SAT. and is UMASS really a bad university? yea of course it is not as good as NUS, but at least i have a uni to go, i dun wana go NUS, because i dun feel like mgoing

SAT in May 2, inSingapore, am i ready? well i am not sure, i guess i am, 2009 largest news for me, i am going to conquer the SAT once , i m taking it only once, and i m sending it to the university i want. But also i have to improve my work in school. English....math....chem....sign.... cant do shit now, work hard, now its not the time to relax, my furture depends on now...

I duno

yea, alright i got scolded like shit from my dad, just because i scratch my mums car with my bike. That was an accident, i didnt mean to do it on purpose,plus i dun feel good too, making that mark there...i cant believe what my dad said to me, he said:"Youre 16, and u r acting like 1 or 2 years old little child, the older u get, the more stupid u r, u know how precious the car is, how can u do that..i m very disapoinnted at u, i dun have such a stupid son like u."fine tats ok to me, cause he always said that to me, and i know i m careless,but i m trying to learn..everyone makes mistakes and they learn from it. second thing, for my band, Jimmys mum wants to come and watch live performance,but out mangement dun allow, so i went to the mangement with jimmy and said its not fair, yea i was complaining, and my dad shouted at me, guess what he said:"they give u a chance to perform, because they didnt look down on u, do u think u guys r really that good, Who do u think u guys r?!.still have the pride to call urself a BAND,people call u a band bcoz they respect u, if it wasnt ur mum who organises the music part, u guys cant even get to perform, so if u want to perform, u go, or ask ur friends to FUCK off, we dun need them here." thats unfair,why,cause he insulted my friends...it is unfair...

My dad always told me, to do things carefully, and also talk to people in a nice way,but how about him, he always lose his things, and he is careless, so y cant i be careless for once? yea i know it hurts when a new car is being damaged, but when i dad buys a brand new SET OF GOLF clubs, dont he feel hurt spending that much money?

In all these case i being through, its always releated to money, y is people always stuck with money, is money so important? yea it is, somehow, we can buything with money, but if money is not being invented, nothing will have happened, no pain, no hurt, no nothing....

I hate my dad, Y r all parents like that?I actually cried for the first time, very hard, because i cant stand this anymore, also i talked back to my dad for the very first time, i dun want to live under his control anymore,mayb this is the life of a eastern child in a eastern family....y is my life so bad......

Thinking about what my dad said, mayb we aint really a band, i am not critisizing, but i dun think we r good enough, we dun have movements, because those guys dun dare to move,so our band is like dead, and stiff, and i m quiting cause i want a better band...sersiously...we should do something, or i aint performing for the school expo...i dun wana embrasse myself, and JIMMY, i guess u can stop dreaming about ur dream of becoming famous, because we wun

Life is Not A Waiting Room

Life is not waiting room, there is a lot of things i cant wait anymore, example like studying for university, i am doing it now, and also improving on my basketball and my piano skills. i didnt said i wanted to be professional on piano and basketball, but those things might help me one day, who knows?i have no more time, my IA is here, and test and homework at the same time, now i know what High school is like, it never ends.......but in reliaty it will...university...sounds scary to me, i need to do VERY WELL for my IA, it will help me for my marks at the end...so cant screw up, math IA, HARD. Life is not a waiting room, sometimes, we have to work first, we cant just sit there and wait, but this is not really true too, some things we can also wait, or we can choose not to have it, what is something a living room dun have? BED! which means love relationship, which is something not important to me.....i dun mind seriously, because i have described it before. Tension is building in me, steadily, everyone moving away from me, i feel heavy forces forcing their way out of me, i cant hold it on anymore, cause i swear, i wun wait anymore, i wun wait for things for change, i will change it before anything or anyone does anything. 3 tests in 2 weeks, it this what i waited for no, plus and IA, in 3 weeks, so manythings,thats sounds hard, but i m ok for business i guess, and i aint screwing for math and chem again, or i am really gona killl myself, i guess everyone knows what marks i got, i want to prove to the world, i aint the worst, and i am gona open the university gate that is closing........

TO BE CONTINUTED>>.....