simle for first time

haha today is fun i m so happy,maybe first time in this year i m happy...today choir we own, i like seeing people clap with us and also cheering for us..its feels good. alright for those goin away i wish u a merry christmas and a happy new year, and i will see u all tmr, well its my first time holding a mike and singing infront of the whole school, well its a good experience. lol. the band performance rocks too, i m bringing my band on for SSIS expo, if i can, hope teachers agrees,...em our class is fine this morning we had nice food, and stuff, but my stuff is gone after performance \,lol it doesnt matter anymore, because its holiday now,mayb on this grave out here on the internet first time i put a rose on it, and not a skull,....haha anyways, MERRY CHRISTMAS PEOPLE

I hate life, and liars

tmr..christmas party, i got performance..choir...o no..feeling very nervous,afraid that i sing out of tune on the stage then everyone laugh at me...i got the present already,can give tme for exchange.lol

just now went to carrefour with my mum, its near my house, sells everthing about christmas..quite nice though..but also i see that there are people selling some small silver fish in a small container..i wonder y is humans so bad to the animals, where is the nice and kind hearted part of human nature...i duno at that moment many thought come to my mind,,i duno what it is like...

tmr christmas party, well maybe its my chance to make some friends,which i hope i do,but i seriously dont know at all...thoughts thoughts and thoughts, that something i can think of now,for tmr,mayb its because i m too nervous about tmr, i duno personally,but still i m feeling much better now from last week,but still now good enough,cause i havent reach my goal yet..many things is waiting for me to acheive....

also i hate liars, i hate when people dun keep their promises,but too bad there r this kind of people on earth. what can i do? because the guy is my piano school principle, should i stand up to him and tell hiim what he promised us?or should i not?i duno i m struggling again to make a decision...

here i want to thanks those person that caere about me, those who take me as a friend..i cant do anything to payback, so i will use my best performance to repay i guess...haha...i duno...but still we will see, about tmr, about other times in life,because i m goin to change life, i m goin to make it go my way......

left my piano score in schools canteen?unlucky...nothing else to say, tmr is last day of skl,quite happy,because christmas break is coming aftert tmr...today i recieved a note from teacher saying i have to buy a gift for some girl in my class.y girl....not boy...well duno if i should buy or not..thinking abt it now....

school is getting hard...well christmas...yeah nice day and nice name...what do i want for christmas?
i m not sure some nice wishes i guess....yeah plans for christmas?well i had planned some
1.Revise school work
2. Get my piano skills to a higher level
3.imporve on my SAT
4.IMprove on my basketball and swimming skills
something like that
going to have a busy week...sign...no choice
yea failed chem again...y...i found my problems..goin to work on it and by mid year exam, i will not fail anymore....i must not....em...from this christmas till june 2009 i will have a very busy year...SAT....sign...american university..a road chosen by me.....

so i m seeing everyone again after new year on jan 2009...now here i would like to apologise for all the wrong things that i did this year..tto my parents,teachers, and friends...a new year is a new start, so y not precious the time we had now..?

damn....having a bad headache....sucks....duno y i guess i caught a cold....its just another day that passed, and i m getting more and more worried,because every day that pass, means that one day nearer to the day i graduate,which i dun really want to..because i m not sure if i can make it or not...i hope i do, although people always told me to trust myself, i know..but i just cant do it...this few days, i discovered that my memory skills are getting worse and worse. i have no idea y, mayb because i drank too much coke? i guess? but i seriously cant remember things and i also cant get things going my way...just like for math, i knew i revised my ass off for the test,but during the test, i just cant remember anything from the perivous day...everyday i feel that there is a force pulling me back, i duno what it is,but i cant overcome it.

This force is always pulling me back and preventing from doing anything that i m suppose to do...now at this moment i m thinking, if i should actually take the SAT in June2009 or jan2009???well mum is right,get it done once..true...so i m working on SAT.

still, my piano, i just cant some debussy song-Arabasque...and mozart fanatsy...i tried...jimmy said i suck because i cant get a simple pop music done,which is needed for my band...its not i dun want to get it done, i want but when i play it, i just dun have the feeling of me playing the piano 2 1 month ago....

the feeling starts at end of november...i duno what causes it, so i hope that i actually is able to find it out, so i can stop this struggling....but wht excatly is the feeling,?i have no idea too. well i guess i need to speak to the Psycologist?or some people?but who i shall i speak to?who will be willing to hear me out and ta;lk to me?no one.......

tmr during free period i m goin to practise piano, i need to get over that feeling....and i will do it...............................

Failed math again

y me, y am i always the one whos the worts in math in the class......i failed again...like hell...i cant get anyting goin this few days, i duno y...whats wrong with me...mayb i fail chem too....y y y!someone tell me...why do i fail everything i do?what is my problem...i lost my way on the road of life...i have so many things that i got to do...SAT,Piano,School,Band... seriously i hate being hardworking,but i dun have a choice...this is life...sometime i hope that i m not born...so i dun have to face all this pressure myself,...sometimes i wonder y cant i be born later, or earlier,when the competition is not so great in the world.....y,,.......y......y......??????my SAT i m goin well. in skl, i guess everything is fine except for chem and math which i need more time to cope with it.but i m trying my best to do so, and this holiday is a chance for me.....to get everything right...on track.....at this moment i dun feel like living anymore.....because living is so hard, mayb dying is better,because when we go to heaven, we can enjoy and not face all those thing i hate anymore........mayb i should say goodbye, i want to,and i thought of it too. i want to find the real me, the guy who i always was, and not here struggling,.....because i m sick of it........and i had enough......of life.........well i think about it,i fail math,is it because of the band i m in?yes i guess so, it wased alot of my time, i m quitting after the performance, i dun need to be famous....whats the point, when it ruin my homework....?.....

ARGH!!!dun feel like living anymore

wasted time-what kind of life is this

well one day is gone just like that, i did something useful...practised piano, played bball , and read my work and revised..tmr got piano lesson, seriously i dun feel like going,its boring, and also i want to quit the band and the performance..waste of time....

friday there is thanks giving party by my class...i have no idea at all what i m doing, but i dun think they will tell me, bcoz i know that they hope that i dun join in anything(just like sportsday)...yea dun think i duno....nvm i m leaving after high 2 and i wun talk to them anymore

well is this my life?.......someone tell me......

watched the NBA match. Houston against Warriors. well its great. lol.After watching i need to read my book... i should use my time wisely...i should!

Home....nice name and a nice place,i agree,but i m bored at home, i done all my homework, so what else can i do?. ... one good new though, i am able to do jump shots for my basketball, i always knew i could do it. is this confidence? i duno...but i think i should continues this feeling onto my studies and everything else...mayb it will help me gain more of my confidence.

the sun is bright and strong outside,but inside me, i m dark and weak...the sun symbolizes life...
Well,i guess i m falling too hard into life, and i m falling so hard that i m killing myself...

life is bored, it sucks, mayb i should just kill myself, mayb only in that way i m able to get released from all the pressure and pain that i m in.

Fragile future

i duno,and i dun wana know....high skl is 2 years, and it will dertermine where u r goin in the furture. i already start to feell pressure, i duno where i m heading, and i also duno what i m getting for IB. maybe 25?or 30?i m not sure. i want a 30 and i m working towards it. well i guess i missed alot of fun stuff in high school. i dun need fun. study is the first place. yea n jimmy is right, i m sexist,but so he is racist that is worse then me. yea whats so good abt WILSON? y people like him? well personally, people who knows wilson says hes gay....lol...ok but i guess i have lost my direction in life...n i m finding it.....everytime after a test, when i know i didnt do well, i got scared...bcoz that will affect my results...

but now i guess i have found what i reali want...yea and thats to get into a good university...but still on the other hand,life sucks...sometimes i think death is the best way to work things out, many music says that too...i duno...what to choose...can someone tell me what is dream and what is real? still i got to study,SAT for american universities....i wun change my mind,i m goin to USA. sometimes i feel that there is no need for me to log on msn,bcoz no one talks to me, and i reli hope someone does..but no one will.....well lets say, if u go into H1r and ask'Who hates Alex"? let me tell u the answer will be everyone(except jinwoong and deokwon). but i know this is the answer, i will just be me, yea i m anti class, anti society bcoz i dun wan to merge into such a society,a place that cause the scars in me.................so like i said,kill me.............n i m gone forever..............

School life

damn. exam coming soon, after christmas. That is bad, i just had my math test today, i think i can pass, i dont know,i hope. school sucks, everyone goes against me. WTF have i done? i duno but why everyone hates me...!!!!well i had a english essay to write, work work work. not i m complaining but its the truth. high school is alot of work.

well in school life isnt that good too. there are always some people that wanted to go against me(people like jin en and Mirabelle). yea that bastared and that bitch, i dun mean to scold them or anything,but i reali dun like it. sometimes i know its against me everyone in class even joshua and wilson! yea i dun wana fight, y what the useof fighting back when nth is goin to change. 我惹不起我躲的起. yea so i say plz stop. yea u can say i suck at piano basketball or whatso ever, seriously i dun give a damn. sometimes i seems weak,but i m not, i will stand up to u one day i will i swear.

i had alot of pain in me, i duno how to express it,mayb using a blade and cut myself works, well it does. but i seriously hope someone will understand me. i dun need the whole class to accept me, but i want at least recognition. al i want is a smile or maybe a 'HI' or "Thankyou".thats all i m hoping for..........