Fate Outside these doors
Of masques and martyrs aid the loveless
The sin was beautiful
Blank empire closed,the eyes of heaven shine a
smoke screen, a voice
the sound was kissed and sold
Best regards to the fashion corpse of grey
It thins the shallow blood in me

A century of open arms that shield the light
This battle scar is healing
Cast all the pain to the tourniquet that binds me
I fell in love with an Angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
Bless these shadows and tested everyone
They can't steal our love tonight.

This song, what does it imply, pesonally i do not know...i wish i had a laptop for christmas, i also wished for a new ipod or handphone...i guess everyone in my class got a Christmas present..i didnt dare to tell my Christmas wishes to my parents, because its unreliable....and they wun buy me one. they will say, use ur results to change for it, or its economic crises, y cant they just say NO direction, y does everyone has or likes to speak in circles...y cant they be straight forward...yea today choir, sing siren, i m offtune, no big deal, no need to laugh, i still can be the best though, i didnt know i could sing saprano...but i dun like, i wana go tenor, but i had already being singing bass for so long, i m not like jeff, he has a deeper voice, he is sutiable for bass, but i m not, so everytime i sing bass i need to strech myself to do it.......

WHY is it so tiring to lead a good life....Y?i duno what kind of person i m now....today TOK talks about some sexist problem against girls in a book....i used to disagree, but today i felt nothing..which i dont know y, mayb i m really becomin emotionless...but thats good too, so that i dun feel anything anymore at any moment....for my performance,,,i hope to invite some teachers to come and watch...i hope that they do come actually......

UNtitled

This is unfair, how can someone make negative commands about our and on youtube, you dont have the right. yea i swear i'd never fight anyone, and i wont break my word, but this really pissed me off, to me, this seems like an insult. if you think you are so good, so youtube and paste you own video, dun command on ous, u little Bas....well anyways, nvm...

i have having a bad headache, i guess i have being worrying about too many things...BAnd..School...homework....university...and etc...yea this four i do worry, because it involves me in it..but somehow it affected me too much i guess, and caused me a bad headache. i just cant get to sleep at night, without listening to music, duno whats going on inside me...but i tried, i actually slept at 3 these few days, no idea why...well i heard many people in our class are taking SAT this month, well they are taking 2x. but my mum wants me to take it once. in June, just one time, which means, i cant back off, for anything. school is for sure. but band i guess i can, i was invited by my mangment, i promised, but if i backoff now, then my image will be damaged....and i wun be trusted anymore...trouble, we need guitars.!!!!someone help us with it. its just the starting of a new year, and to me, it seems like a disaster.

well. i guess i need to do something. i dont wana be a curse, to anyone...i recalled my "love Relationship" with some girls in my life...none last longer than a few months, is it my problem, i got rejected too, there are more than one girl who told me to go to hell...so now i hate, i started to hate, before i never knew what hate is like,but now i know, i know it all, and one day i will die of it, but before i die, i will write my sentence with blood dripping from my veins, i will go quietly, like the protagonist in "the Metarmophosis"...but i dun wana die in that way, i have my own way....my dreams slowly turning from white to black, they die, they die, they die!. i m having no more dreams, mayb because there is no more thoughts in my mind when i am alseep..
what can i do, to make people trust me, about the email i send out, y do i have to joke about it?i aint that childish...but it seems like no one cares...yea 2 more germans coming to my band?lright that makes 7 people, i dun feel like wanting them to join, i aint racist, but i guess jimmy will kick me and jeff out,i duno. he might god knows. there are many X values in life which we do not know, i really wonder how this year would be like. today Charlotte said that failing IB done matter, as long as we do well for SAT we still can go to uni. but i dun agree, yea although american universities weigh about 80% of SAT scores, and 10% of school transcripts, but its still important...therefore i need to work hard. i guess for chem and math i can only hit a 4, i want a 5. i believe i can do it,start from now. everyday in class, i feel i m different ffrom others, from personality. i guess i m anit society, anti everyone. is this nihiism?i aint learning anything from the book we learned. but this is how i feel. i tried to open myself up, and not to have that "metal covering" around me, but i cant. because i m really scared of getting hurt again, i cant take in anymore pains, i wounded already, all over, and i m not healing, i need to heal, before i open up, and how long will this take, 2, 3 years?or maybe longer, personally, i do not know,and i know, everytime i get hurt, the words will hit my "metal covering" and it will close on me tighter and tighter............
Thats y my blog name is what u see...........

What a day

one more day passed. I did something. SAT revision and Piano...i guess thats all i am able to do at home..skl will in be 1 more day after tmr...em,,,two weeks of holiday just gone like this...i guess i made good use of my skl holidays revising everything, so i suppose i m ready for exams that is coming....prepared to face it, anyways, i cant ran away, these few days ICS channel is having better and better movies,good thing

First day of 2009

alright one day is gone...skl in 4 days...finally. today i played piano did SAT as usual...but i guess i need to imporve on my critical reading section for SAT..i have being getting lesser than 650....,cant be in that way..that sucks...although i m geting higher than 1800 for SAT,but my math varies around 650-700...need to improve also...because most universities weighs that mostly...,but still over results also quite important...i need to be consistent...just like for bball, my way of shooting always changes at different, which i need to maintain it...i can score...but its not good enough,,tme owning some chinese noobs...they think they so good? yea...i seen them play....bringing Jesse tmr, hes the best PG of SAS, Varsity bball team. thats good. i hope i score more tmr also...i read the news today..it seems like 2008 is not a very pleasent year...earthquake...war conflict...economic crises....and natural disasters...how unfair is life...my title of todays SAT work. 'Do our lives change according to our decisions, or according to the things that happened around us." mayb we will know after reading the news...because i agree with the second part..ok i m waiting to get the piece of paper from ABRSM,i want to see y they fail me though...i might retake next year,but i dun feel like,cause i cant get Aural and Sight reading...I m sure i failed Aural, cause i cant hear the note, as in what the note is, so i sometimes wonder how i played the piano...am i tone deaf or something?

I wrote a new piano song today,but i tore it up and threw it away, because no one will appreacite it, and for me, its enough when i had it in my mind...nth else...i will enjoy it myself...A Song by Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for lovers....i guess it is, never being there...but i like that song, mayb next time if i m in a better band in US, i will write something like that too, i always can, or mayb i should just use those songs i wrote days before.........

me, i m sensetive to some word such as. LOVE. FRIENDSHIP,RELATIONSHIP,HAppiness, JOy..etc...anything releated to that..so people plz, never talk about those words infront of me,because it hurts alot...

2009, i m one year older 17. i feel more pressured, because it means one year closer to the doors of university,,,which make me feel scared and nervous,because i dun think i can make it, not in all subjects......math and chem........no......i need to improve on math, and i duno y i always fail chem,,i just cant be able to find the reason....i need to find it somehow, i always approach the teacher for something i dunt know, but still, no one seems wanting to tell me the reason y i keep failing chem.....is it because of expression problems?

if is wasnt because of our band, i wun do apologise personally, although its a song for telling a girl its too late to apologise, but thats what all girls will cause to guys(not being sexist),but i have being through it, so i know, i know it deeply, personally.....

I cant take this anymore...world economic crises, although i didnt cause it, but i somehow cannot not care about it...i see it daily, shops closing down around me, people robbing and stealing for money...this world....is finished......2008, nice number...but many thing happened...si chun earth quake...economic crises....middle east war....Obama as president...so many thing...i duno y i have to care,but i just have the intensity to....MAYb because of IB...i guess....Be a global student...i really want to to GYLC, but i cant..parents dun allow....y/.....nvm....good luck to those who got invited by OBAMA to his ceremony......i see it on the streets, i read it in the news. this world...the BLue planet, out homeland...is getting worse and worse, who on earth can do something? i somehow needs to care, because i cant stand seeing beggers on the street, i always help...but i cant help all...i cried when i see all those things...bcoz i cant help...i can only watch them........so many people today on the streets selling stuff, and no body buys...i saw the expression on their faces...sad....sorrowful?...i cant decribe it....i wanted to help them,but how? i m waiting for 2009,mayb things will get better...we all hope,but mayb this crises will continue until 2012 or even longer? i m not sure...but if everyone can keep an eye on the enviroment, we will see the things happening around us....but all these crises and whatever shit comes from one word, one thing which humans invented. MONEY. this thing circulates around the world,causing everything, now ,before, in the future....mayb the 1920 great depression is better than this, 1998 asia fincial crises...crises here and there....people losing their jobs on the street, while rich are driving big SUVs, isnt life unfair...what do u think? i can make another song for this....

I walked out of my house
see people beggin on the streets
for food, money...
but some people will just walk by....
not caring at all...but plz imagine...
if that was you...put urself in that guys shoes.......

i see the same damn thing everyday....
Trying my best to help.......
i cried...because life is unfair....
because people has no love....
money, our first pirority...
dominates our life...
we love money too much...

but if everyone will to lend a hand...
the world will be a much better place
all we have to do
is play our part as a global citizen...
do what we can...to help this dying world....

i see shops closing down...
people losing jobs...
i see war, i see need...
i see pain and sorrowful...
i see stavation and help...
but i can see no hope at all...

you walked onto the streets...
walk ur way through a tiny street...
seeing sad looks on people face...
implying to you that there is no hope at all...
whats ur feeling?...

kids are staving, while rich are enjoying...
poors are saving,but rich are spending...
poors are crying,but rich are smiling...
poors are begging,but rich are wasting...

i am crying,cause no one is helping...
lend a hand...
do our part...
and the once blue and peaceful world will be back...

Last Day of 2008-Reflection

last day of 2008 will end in one hour. then a brand new year will come for me...i guess i m doing fine in life,but new year means new start...failed piano exam,mayb the worse news of the end of 2008. i just cant believe it...nvm....school, i m afraid i will fail exams again....i dun think i m the kind of person that can face exam pressures, because everytime i went into the exam room, i know i will blankout and forgewt everything i have learned. i m not sure how i feel now...its hard to tell, the last blog, wrote as poem, i dun feel like doing it today,mayb some other times...but still i guess i can write something to symbolises my life this whole year...

Everyone is waiting, for the moment to come.....
Funny when things never change
Even when you say they will
But while your off screwing her
My life is standing still

You tell me that you love me
When I go to leave
You tell me I'm your only one
And I let myself believe

I know that you are using me
But you'll never let me go
I know that you don't love me
I know I'm just for show

I don't know If I can stand
To see you love another Guy
You know that you broke my heart
You know that your my world

But while your standing by my side
I'll believe your lies forever
Cause everything seems so perfect
When we are together
And Now I Am Telling You
I Am Sick OF this LIES
Your LIES...
So Stop telling me you NEED ME
Because i know you dont....

This is what love cause
Hatred and the death of me
when i am dead, you can find someone else
Who you really want
Love...I have being through it
And i Failed....
So I hate it...

Now the Winter Night is cold...
Once again....I Recall....
What I have done this year....
Here i am Apologising....
but is it too late?..
guess it is...
and i cant seem to believe that you have ever cared for me...

i know everything....
And now...this conversation is over....
So take everything away from me..
Slient ''Angel''...

I should just walk away...
Alone... and leave this world behind me...
Since there is Nothing more for me to stay behind...
I will remember the times we have shared...
we had the "happiness" together
And now thank You High 1 for the ''FriendShip"
Because you can have it back.......

When DEath and Betrayal dominates life,nth matters anymore

A pretty little blade,
It sits there on the floor.

I get up off my bed,
And i go and lock the door.
A pretty little glint,
Off of the razor's face.
This is my only option,
I couldn't find my place.
Do not try to stop me,
I can not be saved.
You want to do something for me?
Start to dig my grave.
A pretty little blade,
I slice down my wrist.
With a silent cry,
I ball up my fist.
I drop down to my knees,
And clutch my aching heart.
I intend to finish,
What i had to start.
The crimson begins to pour,
My tears begin to flood.
How deep can it go?
The colour in my blood?
I feel the cold begin to creep,
It startes at the tips of my toes.
The blue that's tinted to my lips,
Now i know it shows.
The chain that was my life,
Now it turns to thread.
As the reaper takes out his scissors,
I hear them slice.
I'm dead.




She tosses and turns through the night.
But no sleep enters her.
Thoughts of betrayal blind her sight.
As tears pour down her cheeks.

Trust had always been the hardest thing to do.
But just when she allows herself to let go;
Backstabbing friends come in her view.
As a routine it seems to be.

Everyone had seemed so kind.
But their hidden selves were always concealed.
The feelings from their lies are kept confined.
As her soul yearns for someone true.



the sound of your heartbeat riccohets through my eardrums
pounding like the clicks of my keyboard.
if the ghosts trapped in my irises didnt get to you
and the songs trapped in my fingertips wouldnt call you out
nothing can make me worth your time.
maybe the white lines across my wrists made you think twice about love and lies
and maybe the worst words can make the prettiest lullabies,
but i'm running the roads between you and I.
when I make it to georgia, please tell me you'll meet me halfway.
3am rolls around but my mind is on repeat;
please tell me you'll need me, please tell me you'll need me.
the sun peeks through the clouds, telling me to go home,
but I can't give this up until my body is chapped and my bones are all cracked.
the sores in my brain are bleeding into my heart
and burning through layers of muscle tissue,
until all that's left is a bloody corpse and a voice that's hoarse.
i've waited a lifetime to make this right, and it's not fair for me to die tonight.
the sky chissels away the harsh lines of my silhoutte,
a gray lump lying lifeless in the street.
you'll never say you need me. you'll never say you need me.

FRIENDS . I have seen through them

i finally know, who in the world cares abt my alot.My family. friends.....yea....i trusted them, but when u got into trouble with them or other trouble, they will leave u alone in the dark, to face the problem urself. i finally seen how stupid i have been.y...m i so stupid. is my IQ really 91? or is it 01?. damn god kill me, i regret, regret all the things i have done, foolishness...JImmy and Jeff. those who are quite close to me, now i finally see through them, i have seen the things that they;ve done. i see through everyone around me, even strangers. y cant everybody just be not selfish? Y is MONEY our first priority.y!!?? mayb i m wrong when i agree that money is everything, because what money causes is the broken up of friendship and also drive hatred. i hate it, i hate everyone, me myself, i hate myself, for being foolish, for showing 100%of myself to everyone, and in the end what did i get in return? NOTHING>>>>....its not i m begging for repay, but this world is actually a black world, its dark, negative. today on the way to returning the guitar, i think alot, thinking about all those things that happened in 2008, in these few days....die man.die. end this life bcoz i m tired and sick of it....死了算了.i should quit the band, i m not sure, very hard decision...i think i know who i am now, because i dun reali fight back to anything anyone...so thats y i got tricked by my best friends.....around me........life is unfair, not only to me, but to others too, rich are driving big SUVs on the road, while the poors are suffereing and begging....why does god made the world this way, sometimes i hope someone can talk to me, someone can really care abt me, but no one will, no one does....i tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end nth matters....sign....y do people treat me this way, y cant people to truthful and honest to each other? in that way, life and the world will be much better isnt it? but too bad, i guess no one can do it in the world....i have seen through this world..dark, black world...what else is there left for me in this world that make me stay...i aint blaming anyone or the world, i m just blaming life, because its unfair....totally unfair.....girls think i suck, boys think i suck...everyone think i suck...but do i really suck...? i m sorry, for all those thing for tht i have done....i feel like crying...very desprately....but i wun, i will keep it inside me...because it wunt work....

holiday

one week of holiday is gone...today is friday...time flys really fast,recalling what i did this whole week, not much things, i regret, for not using my time wisely...this is gay...band....very gay....we do 3 songs...but nothing can be done each time. because its either one person cant get the things done....
I m looking at the dark night sky
keep pretending the sun will not rise
i hope life and time stops at this moment
so that i can never move on,
and never moving on will have less bad memories...
part of the song i made, i duno what it is life...mayb this will help me out...me drummer and pianist for band...i seriously feel like dying...dun wana live anymore...i m tired...i want to sleep and never wake up.....
but i have responsibilities on me, so if i just turn and walk away like this, am i being too irresponsible? i think i m,...but i feel pressure, mayb of exams, i hope our skl can give more hw to us, or to me,..i want pressure,because it will make me forgot the past, and make me move on...towards my aim.....my goal....

Fragile Future 2

life apologises, i m regretting for all the things that i have done this year. thinking about it, making me feels bad, also, i guess im wasting my time in the holidays, so i got to work harder than b4. next year, i hope things will change, actually the world or life is very good. but i feel that my life sucks, because nth goes my way, i m not sure what is it inside me that prevents me from doing all the things i want, something that sucks all my energy away. i m a lonely guy, living on one small corner of the earth. what can i do? to make more friends? friends. yea a nice word,but friends will hurt u ttoo, so i never believe in friends totally(except for jeff,czuse i know him since young.) jeff and me both agree, love anint something good. we have different points of view. to me, love is like a suciding weapon, that will cause others to do all kinds of bad things, its a demon shape. therefore i prefer darkness and pain,because at least that is a feeling to me. i m not sure about me, m i wasting my time on earth here? i m not sure too,but at least i know i m here for a goal.UNIVERSITY. apologises, back to me, i cant stand it anymore,this years christmas was colder than before, and also the christmas night was darker than b4. my life hurts more than b4 too,because i feel worse than b4,..........