Dec 31, 2008

I cant take this anymore...world economic crises, although i didnt cause it, but i somehow cannot not care about it...i see it daily, shops closing down around me, people robbing and stealing for money...this world....is finished......2008, nice number...but many thing happened...si chun earth quake...economic crises....middle east war....Obama as president...so many thing...i duno y i have to care,but i just have the intensity to....MAYb because of IB...i guess....Be a global student...i really want to to GYLC, but i cant..parents dun allow....y/.....nvm....good luck to those who got invited by OBAMA to his ceremony......i see it on the streets, i read it in the news. this world...the BLue planet, out homeland...is getting worse and worse, who on earth can do something? i somehow needs to care, because i cant stand seeing beggers on the street, i always help...but i cant help all...i cried when i see all those things...bcoz i cant help...i can only watch them........so many people today on the streets selling stuff, and no body buys...i saw the expression on their faces...sad....sorrowful?...i cant decribe it....i wanted to help them,but how? i m waiting for 2009,mayb things will get better...we all hope,but mayb this crises will continue until 2012 or even longer? i m not sure...but if everyone can keep an eye on the enviroment, we will see the things happening around us....but all these crises and whatever shit comes from one word, one thing which humans invented. MONEY. this thing circulates around the world,causing everything, now ,before, in the future....mayb the 1920 great depression is better than this, 1998 asia fincial crises...crises here and there....people losing their jobs on the street, while rich are driving big SUVs, isnt life unfair...what do u think? i can make another song for this....

I walked out of my house
see people beggin on the streets
for food, money...
but some people will just walk by....
not caring at all...but plz imagine...
if that was you...put urself in that guys shoes.......

i see the same damn thing everyday....
Trying my best to help.......
i cried...because life is unfair....
because people has no love....
money, our first pirority...
dominates our life...
we love money too much...

but if everyone will to lend a hand...
the world will be a much better place
all we have to do
is play our part as a global citizen...
do what we can...to help this dying world....

i see shops closing down...
people losing jobs...
i see war, i see need...
i see pain and sorrowful...
i see stavation and help...
but i can see no hope at all...

you walked onto the streets...
walk ur way through a tiny street...
seeing sad looks on people face...
implying to you that there is no hope at all...
whats ur feeling?...

kids are staving, while rich are enjoying...
poors are saving,but rich are spending...
poors are crying,but rich are smiling...
poors are begging,but rich are wasting...

i am crying,cause no one is helping...
lend a hand...
do our part...
and the once blue and peaceful world will be back...

Last Day of 2008-Reflection

last day of 2008 will end in one hour. then a brand new year will come for me...i guess i m doing fine in life,but new year means new start...failed piano exam,mayb the worse news of the end of 2008. i just cant believe it...nvm....school, i m afraid i will fail exams again....i dun think i m the kind of person that can face exam pressures, because everytime i went into the exam room, i know i will blankout and forgewt everything i have learned. i m not sure how i feel now...its hard to tell, the last blog, wrote as poem, i dun feel like doing it today,mayb some other times...but still i guess i can write something to symbolises my life this whole year...

Everyone is waiting, for the moment to come.....
Funny when things never change
Even when you say they will
But while your off screwing her
My life is standing still

You tell me that you love me
When I go to leave
You tell me I'm your only one
And I let myself believe

I know that you are using me
But you'll never let me go
I know that you don't love me
I know I'm just for show

I don't know If I can stand
To see you love another Guy
You know that you broke my heart
You know that your my world

But while your standing by my side
I'll believe your lies forever
Cause everything seems so perfect
When we are together
And Now I Am Telling You
I Am Sick OF this LIES
Your LIES...
So Stop telling me you NEED ME
Because i know you dont....

This is what love cause
Hatred and the death of me
when i am dead, you can find someone else
Who you really want
Love...I have being through it
And i Failed....
So I hate it...

Now the Winter Night is cold...
Once again....I Recall....
What I have done this year....
Here i am Apologising....
but is it too late?..
guess it is...
and i cant seem to believe that you have ever cared for me...

i know everything....
And now...this conversation is over....
So take everything away from me..
Slient ''Angel''...

I should just walk away...
Alone... and leave this world behind me...
Since there is Nothing more for me to stay behind...
I will remember the times we have shared...
we had the "happiness" together
And now thank You High 1 for the ''FriendShip"
Because you can have it back.......

Dec 30, 2008

When DEath and Betrayal dominates life,nth matters anymore

A pretty little blade,
It sits there on the floor.
I get up off my bed,
And i go and lock the door.
A pretty little glint,
Off of the razor's face.
This is my only option,
I couldn't find my place.
Do not try to stop me,
I can not be saved.
You want to do something for me?
Start to dig my grave.
A pretty little blade,
I slice down my wrist.
With a silent cry,
I ball up my fist.
I drop down to my knees,
And clutch my aching heart.
I intend to finish,
What i had to start.
The crimson begins to pour,
My tears begin to flood.
How deep can it go?
The colour in my blood?
I feel the cold begin to creep,
It startes at the tips of my toes.
The blue that's tinted to my lips,
Now i know it shows.
The chain that was my life,
Now it turns to thread.
As the reaper takes out his scissors,
I hear them slice.
I'm dead.




She tosses and turns through the night.
But no sleep enters her.
Thoughts of betrayal blind her sight.
As tears pour down her cheeks.

Trust had always been the hardest thing to do.
But just when she allows herself to let go;
Backstabbing friends come in her view.
As a routine it seems to be.

Everyone had seemed so kind.
But their hidden selves were always concealed.
The feelings from their lies are kept confined.
As her soul yearns for someone true.



the sound of your heartbeat riccohets through my eardrums
pounding like the clicks of my keyboard.
if the ghosts trapped in my irises didnt get to you
and the songs trapped in my fingertips wouldnt call you out
nothing can make me worth your time.
maybe the white lines across my wrists made you think twice about love and lies
and maybe the worst words can make the prettiest lullabies,
but i'm running the roads between you and I.
when I make it to georgia, please tell me you'll meet me halfway.
3am rolls around but my mind is on repeat;
please tell me you'll need me, please tell me you'll need me.
the sun peeks through the clouds, telling me to go home,
but I can't give this up until my body is chapped and my bones are all cracked.
the sores in my brain are bleeding into my heart
and burning through layers of muscle tissue,
until all that's left is a bloody corpse and a voice that's hoarse.
i've waited a lifetime to make this right, and it's not fair for me to die tonight.
the sky chissels away the harsh lines of my silhoutte,
a gray lump lying lifeless in the street.
you'll never say you need me. you'll never say you need me.

Dec 29, 2008

FRIENDS . I have seen through them

i finally know, who in the world cares abt my alot.My family. friends.....yea....i trusted them, but when u got into trouble with them or other trouble, they will leave u alone in the dark, to face the problem urself. i finally seen how stupid i have been.y...m i so stupid. is my IQ really 91? or is it 01?. damn god kill me, i regret, regret all the things i have done, foolishness...JImmy and Jeff. those who are quite close to me, now i finally see through them, i have seen the things that they;ve done. i see through everyone around me, even strangers. y cant everybody just be not selfish? Y is MONEY our first priority.y!!?? mayb i m wrong when i agree that money is everything, because what money causes is the broken up of friendship and also drive hatred. i hate it, i hate everyone, me myself, i hate myself, for being foolish, for showing 100%of myself to everyone, and in the end what did i get in return? NOTHING>>>>....its not i m begging for repay, but this world is actually a black world, its dark, negative. today on the way to returning the guitar, i think alot, thinking about all those things that happened in 2008, in these few days....die man.die. end this life bcoz i m tired and sick of it....死了算了.i should quit the band, i m not sure, very hard decision...i think i know who i am now, because i dun reali fight back to anything anyone...so thats y i got tricked by my best friends.....around me........life is unfair, not only to me, but to others too, rich are driving big SUVs on the road, while the poors are suffereing and begging....why does god made the world this way, sometimes i hope someone can talk to me, someone can really care abt me, but no one will, no one does....i tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end nth matters....sign....y do people treat me this way, y cant people to truthful and honest to each other? in that way, life and the world will be much better isnt it? but too bad, i guess no one can do it in the world....i have seen through this world..dark, black world...what else is there left for me in this world that make me stay...i aint blaming anyone or the world, i m just blaming life, because its unfair....totally unfair.....girls think i suck, boys think i suck...everyone think i suck...but do i really suck...? i m sorry, for all those thing for tht i have done....i feel like crying...very desprately....but i wun, i will keep it inside me...because it wunt work....

Dec 26, 2008

holiday

one week of holiday is gone...today is friday...time flys really fast,recalling what i did this whole week, not much things, i regret, for not using my time wisely...this is gay...band....very gay....we do 3 songs...but nothing can be done each time. because its either one person cant get the things done....
I m looking at the dark night sky
keep pretending the sun will not rise
i hope life and time stops at this moment
so that i can never move on,
and never moving on will have less bad memories...
part of the song i made, i duno what it is life...mayb this will help me out...me drummer and pianist for band...i seriously feel like dying...dun wana live anymore...i m tired...i want to sleep and never wake up.....
but i have responsibilities on me, so if i just turn and walk away like this, am i being too irresponsible? i think i m,...but i feel pressure, mayb of exams, i hope our skl can give more hw to us, or to me,..i want pressure,because it will make me forgot the past, and make me move on...towards my aim.....my goal....

Fragile Future 2

life apologises, i m regretting for all the things that i have done this year. thinking about it, making me feels bad, also, i guess im wasting my time in the holidays, so i got to work harder than b4. next year, i hope things will change, actually the world or life is very good. but i feel that my life sucks, because nth goes my way, i m not sure what is it inside me that prevents me from doing all the things i want, something that sucks all my energy away. i m a lonely guy, living on one small corner of the earth. what can i do? to make more friends? friends. yea a nice word,but friends will hurt u ttoo, so i never believe in friends totally(except for jeff,czuse i know him since young.) jeff and me both agree, love anint something good. we have different points of view. to me, love is like a suciding weapon, that will cause others to do all kinds of bad things, its a demon shape. therefore i prefer darkness and pain,because at least that is a feeling to me. i m not sure about me, m i wasting my time on earth here? i m not sure too,but at least i know i m here for a goal.UNIVERSITY. apologises, back to me, i cant stand it anymore,this years christmas was colder than before, and also the christmas night was darker than b4. my life hurts more than b4 too,because i feel worse than b4,..........

Dec 24, 2008

Life

my mums right, jimmy band is wasting so much of my time. i did very little work during these 3 days, and therefore i m quitting after this performance i am.
i aint performing for school expo, i dun need to....

alright i did math today, needa practise more piano, SAT also important, but most of all is my school results, i can be having 3s and 2 for my final IB at least 5s. thats my aim, i hope i can make it, maybe even better, so i have to work now, one year left...time flys really fast.... sign....well i m like the oldest in the band, so....sign agin...

no choice , got to work now, yea first place is work, and reaults, the rest is not important... so i need to study.....

yea december 24th today,my mum bd tmr my sis bd. haha coinidence.lol well its christmas eve, another year passed all of a sudden, i m thinking of the past again, all i want is apologises, from everyone....but christmas, i duno what i want,mayb nth for this year, i guess....its not important.

world economic crises,when will it end?i duno,but its already many people, and i see it around me....everybody is affected, in either ways...yea it begins...i mean i cant do anything,but i hope the world will do something,bcoz i dun wana live in such a world, a BLACK AND SORROWFUL world, with a PAINFUL life....life apologises, the title of my blog, that is all im hoping for....but i thiink i cant acheive it....i never can.....

sometimes i hate life,i seriously do, y am i born as a guy, why do i have so much responsibilities on me?y...................

Dec 23, 2008

Borrowin of guitar-Where bad things start

went out for whole day, just got back. tired.lol well the practise for our band is ok, i mean its good. we are doing three songs...hehe...i m happy...but i hate it, because i walked 3 km to get a new guitar,,,wth leh...but nvm we got it its a good brand, i dun what brand it is, but jimmy said its a very expensive guitar and therefore we must be verycareful handling it....

still today i practised my piano, and also did some SAT work. i dun wana do math, although i m bad at it, i found math so hard, and complicated...but no choice, i m doing it tmr, must wake up early, cannot be 930 everyday...too late...sign...holiday isnt holiday...i guess this is high skl, well it is no choice, work work and work.....

Dec 21, 2008

dun wana play czerny

sunday...raining..bad i need to go to piano lesson and practise my band stuffs...hard...sign...no choice,but still i feel i m having a bad day.lol jk. but still i got my allowance for this month late though but nvm... 28th performance no screwing up..haha we can do it, we will, i have my christmas planned, most important thing is piano SAT and skl work revision the rest is like nvm...lol but still although i m not goin anywhere for christmas but i think i will have a nice christmas and what should i get for christmas present? mayb the best present from my piano teacher will be that she stop asking me to play CZERNY because i hate it..lol

Dec 19, 2008

simle for first time

haha today is fun i m so happy,maybe first time in this year i m happy...today choir we own, i like seeing people clap with us and also cheering for us..its feels good. alright for those goin away i wish u a merry christmas and a happy new year, and i will see u all tmr, well its my first time holding a mike and singing infront of the whole school, well its a good experience. lol. the band performance rocks too, i m bringing my band on for SSIS expo, if i can, hope teachers agrees,...em our class is fine this morning we had nice food, and stuff, but my stuff is gone after performance \,lol it doesnt matter anymore, because its holiday now,mayb on this grave out here on the internet first time i put a rose on it, and not a skull,....haha anyways, MERRY CHRISTMAS PEOPLE

Dec 18, 2008

I hate life, and liars

tmr..christmas party, i got performance..choir...o no..feeling very nervous,afraid that i sing out of tune on the stage then everyone laugh at me...i got the present already,can give tme for exchange.lol

just now went to carrefour with my mum, its near my house, sells everthing about christmas..quite nice though..but also i see that there are people selling some small silver fish in a small container..i wonder y is humans so bad to the animals, where is the nice and kind hearted part of human nature...i duno at that moment many thought come to my mind,,i duno what it is like...

tmr christmas party, well maybe its my chance to make some friends,which i hope i do,but i seriously dont know at all...thoughts thoughts and thoughts, that something i can think of now,for tmr,mayb its because i m too nervous about tmr, i duno personally,but still i m feeling much better now from last week,but still now good enough,cause i havent reach my goal yet..many things is waiting for me to acheive....

also i hate liars, i hate when people dun keep their promises,but too bad there r this kind of people on earth. what can i do? because the guy is my piano school principle, should i stand up to him and tell hiim what he promised us?or should i not?i duno i m struggling again to make a decision...

here i want to thanks those person that caere about me, those who take me as a friend..i cant do anything to payback, so i will use my best performance to repay i guess...haha...i duno...but still we will see, about tmr, about other times in life,because i m goin to change life, i m goin to make it go my way......

Dec 17, 2008

left my piano score in schools canteen?unlucky...nothing else to say, tmr is last day of skl,quite happy,because christmas break is coming aftert tmr...today i recieved a note from teacher saying i have to buy a gift for some girl in my class.y girl....not boy...well duno if i should buy or not..thinking abt it now....

school is getting hard...well christmas...yeah nice day and nice name...what do i want for christmas?
i m not sure some nice wishes i guess....yeah plans for christmas?well i had planned some
1.Revise school work
2. Get my piano skills to a higher level
3.imporve on my SAT
4.IMprove on my basketball and swimming skills
something like that
going to have a busy week...sign...no choice
yea failed chem again...y...i found my problems..goin to work on it and by mid year exam, i will not fail anymore....i must not....em...from this christmas till june 2009 i will have a very busy year...SAT....sign...american university..a road chosen by me.....

so i m seeing everyone again after new year on jan 2009...now here i would like to apologise for all the wrong things that i did this year..tto my parents,teachers, and friends...a new year is a new start, so y not precious the time we had now..?

Dec 16, 2008

damn....having a bad headache....sucks....duno y i guess i caught a cold....its just another day that passed, and i m getting more and more worried,because every day that pass, means that one day nearer to the day i graduate,which i dun really want to..because i m not sure if i can make it or not...i hope i do, although people always told me to trust myself, i know..but i just cant do it...this few days, i discovered that my memory skills are getting worse and worse. i have no idea y, mayb because i drank too much coke? i guess? but i seriously cant remember things and i also cant get things going my way...just like for math, i knew i revised my ass off for the test,but during the test, i just cant remember anything from the perivous day...everyday i feel that there is a force pulling me back, i duno what it is,but i cant overcome it.

This force is always pulling me back and preventing from doing anything that i m suppose to do...now at this moment i m thinking, if i should actually take the SAT in June2009 or jan2009???well mum is right,get it done once..true...so i m working on SAT.

still, my piano, i just cant some debussy song-Arabasque...and mozart fanatsy...i tried...jimmy said i suck because i cant get a simple pop music done,which is needed for my band...its not i dun want to get it done, i want but when i play it, i just dun have the feeling of me playing the piano 2 1 month ago....

the feeling starts at end of november...i duno what causes it, so i hope that i actually is able to find it out, so i can stop this struggling....but wht excatly is the feeling,?i have no idea too. well i guess i need to speak to the Psycologist?or some people?but who i shall i speak to?who will be willing to hear me out and ta;lk to me?no one.......

tmr during free period i m goin to practise piano, i need to get over that feeling....and i will do it...............................

Dec 15, 2008

Failed math again

y me, y am i always the one whos the worts in math in the class......i failed again...like hell...i cant get anyting goin this few days, i duno y...whats wrong with me...mayb i fail chem too....y y y!someone tell me...why do i fail everything i do?what is my problem...i lost my way on the road of life...i have so many things that i got to do...SAT,Piano,School,Band... seriously i hate being hardworking,but i dun have a choice...this is life...sometime i hope that i m not born...so i dun have to face all this pressure myself,...sometimes i wonder y cant i be born later, or earlier,when the competition is not so great in the world.....y,,.......y......y......??????my SAT i m goin well. in skl, i guess everything is fine except for chem and math which i need more time to cope with it.but i m trying my best to do so, and this holiday is a chance for me.....to get everything right...on track.....at this moment i dun feel like living anymore.....because living is so hard, mayb dying is better,because when we go to heaven, we can enjoy and not face all those thing i hate anymore........mayb i should say goodbye, i want to,and i thought of it too. i want to find the real me, the guy who i always was, and not here struggling,.....because i m sick of it........and i had enough......of life.........well i think about it,i fail math,is it because of the band i m in?yes i guess so, it wased alot of my time, i m quitting after the performance, i dun need to be famous....whats the point, when it ruin my homework....?.....

ARGH!!!dun feel like living anymore

Dec 13, 2008

wasted time-what kind of life is this

well one day is gone just like that, i did something useful...practised piano, played bball , and read my work and revised..tmr got piano lesson, seriously i dun feel like going,its boring, and also i want to quit the band and the performance..waste of time....

friday there is thanks giving party by my class...i have no idea at all what i m doing, but i dun think they will tell me, bcoz i know that they hope that i dun join in anything(just like sportsday)...yea dun think i duno....nvm i m leaving after high 2 and i wun talk to them anymore

well is this my life?.......someone tell me......
watched the NBA match. Houston against Warriors. well its great. lol.After watching i need to read my book... i should use my time wisely...i should!

Home....nice name and a nice place,i agree,but i m bored at home, i done all my homework, so what else can i do?. ... one good new though, i am able to do jump shots for my basketball, i always knew i could do it. is this confidence? i duno...but i think i should continues this feeling onto my studies and everything else...mayb it will help me gain more of my confidence.

the sun is bright and strong outside,but inside me, i m dark and weak...the sun symbolizes life...
Well,i guess i m falling too hard into life, and i m falling so hard that i m killing myself...

life is bored, it sucks, mayb i should just kill myself, mayb only in that way i m able to get released from all the pressure and pain that i m in.

Dec 12, 2008

Fragile future

i duno,and i dun wana know....high skl is 2 years, and it will dertermine where u r goin in the furture. i already start to feell pressure, i duno where i m heading, and i also duno what i m getting for IB. maybe 25?or 30?i m not sure. i want a 30 and i m working towards it. well i guess i missed alot of fun stuff in high school. i dun need fun. study is the first place. yea n jimmy is right, i m sexist,but so he is racist that is worse then me. yea whats so good abt WILSON? y people like him? well personally, people who knows wilson says hes gay....lol...ok but i guess i have lost my direction in life...n i m finding it.....everytime after a test, when i know i didnt do well, i got scared...bcoz that will affect my results...

but now i guess i have found what i reali want...yea and thats to get into a good university...but still on the other hand,life sucks...sometimes i think death is the best way to work things out, many music says that too...i duno...what to choose...can someone tell me what is dream and what is real? still i got to study,SAT for american universities....i wun change my mind,i m goin to USA. sometimes i feel that there is no need for me to log on msn,bcoz no one talks to me, and i reli hope someone does..but no one will.....well lets say, if u go into H1r and ask'Who hates Alex"? let me tell u the answer will be everyone(except jinwoong and deokwon). but i know this is the answer, i will just be me, yea i m anti class, anti society bcoz i dun wan to merge into such a society,a place that cause the scars in me.................so like i said,kill me.............n i m gone forever..............

School life

damn. exam coming soon, after christmas. That is bad, i just had my math test today, i think i can pass, i dont know,i hope. school sucks, everyone goes against me. WTF have i done? i duno but why everyone hates me...!!!!well i had a english essay to write, work work work. not i m complaining but its the truth. high school is alot of work.

well in school life isnt that good too. there are always some people that wanted to go against me(people like jin en and Mirabelle). yea that bastared and that bitch, i dun mean to scold them or anything,but i reali dun like it. sometimes i know its against me everyone in class even joshua and wilson! yea i dun wana fight, y what the useof fighting back when nth is goin to change. 我惹不起我躲的起. yea so i say plz stop. yea u can say i suck at piano basketball or whatso ever, seriously i dun give a damn. sometimes i seems weak,but i m not, i will stand up to u one day i will i swear.

i had alot of pain in me, i duno how to express it,mayb using a blade and cut myself works, well it does. but i seriously hope someone will understand me. i dun need the whole class to accept me, but i want at least recognition. al i want is a smile or maybe a 'HI' or "Thankyou".thats all i m hoping for..........