somehow, i am with LQZ Now....hehe haha hoho....lol...guess theres somethign in me that she sees, but she wont tell me..comeone qing zi, i wana know. :P
well. early decision deadline almost up. i avent get all my stuff ready, last and final important step. GET MY TRANSCRIPT.!!!tmr!!!MUST!!!!....i dont reali care...for ED to U michigan....give a try....purdue is my aim, seems prety easy. well....we cant predict the future, but its since such a long time, before i feel loved again....i do n i m happy....she changed me... and shes the one i m looking for....
this week is driving me crazy, well actually is this whole month, first piano, then SAT then exams n university,,,,whats next.........sign,,,,i m tired, i reali hope i quickly graduate, so that i could enjoy myself with her :D bring her to the honeymoon...mayb during christmas, got ot plan....
Aug 13, 2009
random```
joined the SAT tution class since august 4th, i feel that i m getting better at everything, math, essay, reading, grammer...alright this sounds cool,haha but i didnt do skl work...well thats okay, i can do it after school reopens.:D
well, talked with flo on phone almost everyday, do i like her or something?????????? in actual fact, i do not know too,i do not have any idea too...i think i do....sometimes i think i dont....i m not gay....like what others say....well 2 weeks ago, hurt my toe now is better though... its good, cause i can play ball again.
well my class is good(SAT), those guys r gun, espically CP and Luo xu yang. haha they r fun people, the teachers r good too, its the kind of atmosphere i like.....fun... for once i felt happy in life...haha...
what my next aim, i heard some people went to indianan university, its not good?? i m not sure too, but i wana go into a university, i dont really care what it is, all i need is a degree.......cause i know i suck....if i could score 2000 above, i surely throw a party to everyone....only in my SAT class, because for anyone who see this blog someday in the future...i want u all to know, i never liked u all(MY SCHOOL PEOPLE some though).
this life is not what i expected, i am having mixed, mayb to me, flo is just another one of my mistakes......sign..... i m tired, really tired,,......tell me..what to do next...who understand..........who.....
APATHY+AGONY=?
well, talked with flo on phone almost everyday, do i like her or something?????????? in actual fact, i do not know too,i do not have any idea too...i think i do....sometimes i think i dont....i m not gay....like what others say....well 2 weeks ago, hurt my toe now is better though... its good, cause i can play ball again.
well my class is good(SAT), those guys r gun, espically CP and Luo xu yang. haha they r fun people, the teachers r good too, its the kind of atmosphere i like.....fun... for once i felt happy in life...haha...
what my next aim, i heard some people went to indianan university, its not good?? i m not sure too, but i wana go into a university, i dont really care what it is, all i need is a degree.......cause i know i suck....if i could score 2000 above, i surely throw a party to everyone....only in my SAT class, because for anyone who see this blog someday in the future...i want u all to know, i never liked u all(MY SCHOOL PEOPLE some though).
this life is not what i expected, i am having mixed, mayb to me, flo is just another one of my mistakes......sign..... i m tired, really tired,,......tell me..what to do next...who understand..........who.....
APATHY+AGONY=?
Aug 2, 2009
my life means nth without u
angela,,...i know u saw it, i know u saw what i write on ur wall. but i duno whats between u and me, ifu dun like me, u tell me, no point hiding....u know i have always liked u, i didnt catch the message, its my bad,,,i m sry, i just wana tell u , i need u in my life, my life sucks without u....just come back to me, will u???
i have no clue and direction in life now,,,someone help....
when u turned and walked away, do u know how i feel?apathy is the only word i could think of right now towards you. your "love" for me////.....i never asked u for the world, i only wanted a word from u
now, its all gone,,u and i, never make it....if thats the case, i guess i am backing down for you, but i just want u to know, that, u r always there in my heart, and no one can take that space from you...i will be back.. ange;a. i will, with a band, writng a song for you.....and at that time....u shall see who i really am........just 3 words for you right now....i miss you
i have no clue and direction in life now,,,someone help....
when u turned and walked away, do u know how i feel?apathy is the only word i could think of right now towards you. your "love" for me////.....i never asked u for the world, i only wanted a word from u
now, its all gone,,u and i, never make it....if thats the case, i guess i am backing down for you, but i just want u to know, that, u r always there in my heart, and no one can take that space from you...i will be back.. ange;a. i will, with a band, writng a song for you.....and at that time....u shall see who i really am........just 3 words for you right now....i miss you
Jul 15, 2009
everyone has surely met some people asking them this question.
"if ur wife and ur mum both jumped into the river, who would u save first'
how will u answer this qurstion? it all depends on us actually, both person are important to us,
how ever, this leaves u in a situation to choose between love and loyalty....,
how would u choose?
"if ur wife and ur mum both jumped into the river, who would u save first'
how will u answer this qurstion? it all depends on us actually, both person are important to us,
how ever, this leaves u in a situation to choose between love and loyalty....,
how would u choose?
Jul 13, 2009
many things, i cant get off my mind...is this how life is suppose to turn out? from every one i have known so far, no matter younger or older, or same age, they do better in studies than i do?y? am i stupid?
i tried hard,but i think i did not try hard enough....sign i m tired
high school sucks, can anyone give me a reason, why i suck so much at math and chemistry?man i given up on those subjects,but its important.....right? i know that too
i dont feel anything towards anything happening around me, i study like i use to, and i dont care about people....thats who i am
i m getting ready to apply to some crappy college in USA, and lead normal life
i tried hard,but i think i did not try hard enough....sign i m tired
high school sucks, can anyone give me a reason, why i suck so much at math and chemistry?man i given up on those subjects,but its important.....right? i know that too
i dont feel anything towards anything happening around me, i study like i use to, and i dont care about people....thats who i am
i m getting ready to apply to some crappy college in USA, and lead normal life
May 24, 2009
Screwed Up SAT...
god damn,screwed up SAT, u should know how i feel now, pressure,exams coming,i just wana get myself out of all this. meet this girl called Angela, through lucy,caused her to lose all her social status, 2 days, many things happened, i m like a failure now, nth works out for me, whats the potin of living.y am i always the one cvhosen for battle, and bad things?
May 11, 2009
prom...A place i shouldnt go
i dun think i should go to prom should i? thats not the place for me. lolhaha
and i am pretty sure this is good news for many people, that i am not going....bcoz i can do a survey to prove i am right
and i am pretty sure this is good news for many people, that i am not going....bcoz i can do a survey to prove i am right
May 7, 2009
i made new songs
Life is Always the same
Another night going by
I am still staring at the ceiling
I can hear myself crying
For things that have passed long ago
Will this ever end
Will this life mean something again
If I had my way
I will shout it out and say
This is not the life I wanted
All I want is recognition
Loves not enough when we say it
Don’t we know we have to mean it
I am screwing my life forever
There is always nothing better
Another night goes by and,
Still feel the same way before
Can anyone help me out
Because I am dying right here
I wana cut my wrists
And end this painful life
What the point of living
When nothing works out right
This is not the life I wanted
All I want is recognition
Loves not enough when we say it
Don’t we know we have to mean it?
Now I am feeling much better
But I hope life will be better
This is something out there for me
And now I am reaching for it
A Lonely Birthday
I feel hot outside
But inside I m feeling cold
My bloods freezing, and my veins are contracting
Never felt so lonely on this night before
I always wished someone special was there for me
Here with me, on my birthday…..
I recalled the times we used to have
The time we spent together looking at the stars
Talking about our lives
Here it goes again, I am crying again
Its too much left for me
I try to get over it, but I cant
I cant forget the times we had
The things we did
The scene when I hold your hand and lit the cake
The times when we first kissed…..
But now I am all alone, on my birthday
And you are out there with someone
Someone……
We used to be friends, you seem so near, but so far away
The pain inside me, I still feel, when you turned and walked away
You left my life in a mess, I cant do anything now
What’s the point of living, without you beside me…
My life is empty, without your laughter repeating beside me
But now I say
Here it goes again, I am crying again
Its too much left for me
I try to get over it, but I cant
I cant forget the times we had
The things we did
The scene when I hold your hand and lit the cake
The times when we first kissed…..
And now it’s all over, and I have only a few words for you
You left me here bleeding, when I die, you shall cry…..
Another night going by
I am still staring at the ceiling
I can hear myself crying
For things that have passed long ago
Will this ever end
Will this life mean something again
If I had my way
I will shout it out and say
This is not the life I wanted
All I want is recognition
Loves not enough when we say it
Don’t we know we have to mean it
I am screwing my life forever
There is always nothing better
Another night goes by and,
Still feel the same way before
Can anyone help me out
Because I am dying right here
I wana cut my wrists
And end this painful life
What the point of living
When nothing works out right
This is not the life I wanted
All I want is recognition
Loves not enough when we say it
Don’t we know we have to mean it?
Now I am feeling much better
But I hope life will be better
This is something out there for me
And now I am reaching for it
A Lonely Birthday
I feel hot outside
But inside I m feeling cold
My bloods freezing, and my veins are contracting
Never felt so lonely on this night before
I always wished someone special was there for me
Here with me, on my birthday…..
I recalled the times we used to have
The time we spent together looking at the stars
Talking about our lives
Here it goes again, I am crying again
Its too much left for me
I try to get over it, but I cant
I cant forget the times we had
The things we did
The scene when I hold your hand and lit the cake
The times when we first kissed…..
But now I am all alone, on my birthday
And you are out there with someone
Someone……
We used to be friends, you seem so near, but so far away
The pain inside me, I still feel, when you turned and walked away
You left my life in a mess, I cant do anything now
What’s the point of living, without you beside me…
My life is empty, without your laughter repeating beside me
But now I say
Here it goes again, I am crying again
Its too much left for me
I try to get over it, but I cant
I cant forget the times we had
The things we did
The scene when I hold your hand and lit the cake
The times when we first kissed…..
And now it’s all over, and I have only a few words for you
You left me here bleeding, when I die, you shall cry…..
May 4, 2009
SAT/Singapore trip
man the trip[ to singapore was reali dramatic. espically me. ok i was at the airport, and checking in my luggage, and when passing through the sensor, they asked me to open me bag, and they found a knife. its my swiss knife, which i bought for fun, and i forget that i left it in my bag, so i was. OH GOD< NOW I M SCREWED. but luckily i was alowed to passed, with my bad checked in, that was reali scary. well, time changed to singapore, while existing the airport, i was chosen to have my luggage checked, and they found the knife agin!!!!!!!!wtf man, now i m unlucky, always me, two times in a row, but luckily, its not those kind of spring knife, so i got through safe. right this is an unpleasent jurney. at the MRT station, we took the train to trah marah, we r suppose to exist from the right, but mum said left, so we went to the life, and it was wrong, so we went back onto the train again, and we took the train back to the airport and back again.!!!!!!!and we found our way......
well the hotel, thats gay, its called hotel 81. it is said near bugis MRT station, but it took me and mum 1 hour to get to the damn hotel, we walked there, and SG was like 35 degress......we reached the airport at 6, and we reached the hotel at about 8, mman 2 hours on the road, and it;s in Singapore. right, the hotel was 109 dollars a night.
day 2 was normal. day 3 same. i was preparing for the test on SAT. saturday approaches, and i woke up early, and took a shower, maybe because i was in a rush, i forget to put shamppoo on my hair when wasing it, damn, and i left that way to the test center, i was having myh test at starhub center. when we got out of the hotel, it was raining, so we called a cab there, 1 minute after we got onto the cab, the rain stopped, how unlucky was that?!!!damn. reached starhub center, i entered, the room i was in, doesnt have a clock, and so i start to freak out, and they said they have a clock i was relieved, and at the same time, mum said she lost her damn expensive watch, but bcoz i was about to start my test, mum rushed to seven eleven to bought me a new watch, which cost 10 dollars.:". after the test, mum said is her radar watch (which cost 20000) in my bag, and we search throughly through my bag, and it wasnt there. mum lost her mood, and we headed back to the hotel without saying a word. back at the hotel, mum asked the guy in the reception if they found her watch, and they said no, so i went up myself to search it with mum, and we found it under the bed. the watch. it means that those guys didnt even come up at all. LIARS, LIARS, PANTS ON FIRE>>>>so everything was fine, good? ok. cool. after SAT, me and sunny(my brother), we went to wild wild wet, to play, it was fun, but i had height fright, and sunny forced me to go up to a slide that was 10 meters tall and slide down, when i come down, i was so scared, that i almost faint.he know that i had height fright, and he does it on purpose, what a guy, lol. that night was fun, we went to tompson road to eat chicken rice, it was reputated to be the best in the whole of singapore, and it seems true, there is alot of people there waiting for a seat.
and i think thats a trend, after bad luck, good luck comes, on sunday, on the way back, my flight is SQ 836, and guess what, when i was thinking of how to go home when i reached shanghai at 11, i met my classmate. NOUYEE, she was on the same flight with me, so on the plane, i asked her if i could take her car to puxi, and she said yes, so i had a free ride, lol. thanks nouyee. see thats why, its good sometimes. now all i had to do is to wait for my results to be out, i hope i will get around 1600, or higher. and at the same time, i am going to focus on my school work, and raise my results, espically math, chem, and biz(not reali), biz is stupid, i dun like it, the things it test. sign
this is high school , what can i do?wait wait iwait and wait. patience and hard work is all i need in life, in the future......and now....and now its time to study
i was wondering what i can get for IB,mum said 30 is enuf, but i know its not, and i am aiming for 35, which means at least 7 for 4 subjects, and i m confident for 3 of them. phy, biz, chinese, maybe english too. chem i am prettu sure i can raise it to about 3 or 4 this term , math will be 3 i guess, that makes 29, for this term, and i will improve somemore duiong the summer, to work on my EE and TOK essay, this 2 sucks, man cant fail....sigh sighs
god help me, now i know how hard life can be...........
well the hotel, thats gay, its called hotel 81. it is said near bugis MRT station, but it took me and mum 1 hour to get to the damn hotel, we walked there, and SG was like 35 degress......we reached the airport at 6, and we reached the hotel at about 8, mman 2 hours on the road, and it;s in Singapore. right, the hotel was 109 dollars a night.
day 2 was normal. day 3 same. i was preparing for the test on SAT. saturday approaches, and i woke up early, and took a shower, maybe because i was in a rush, i forget to put shamppoo on my hair when wasing it, damn, and i left that way to the test center, i was having myh test at starhub center. when we got out of the hotel, it was raining, so we called a cab there, 1 minute after we got onto the cab, the rain stopped, how unlucky was that?!!!damn. reached starhub center, i entered, the room i was in, doesnt have a clock, and so i start to freak out, and they said they have a clock i was relieved, and at the same time, mum said she lost her damn expensive watch, but bcoz i was about to start my test, mum rushed to seven eleven to bought me a new watch, which cost 10 dollars.:". after the test, mum said is her radar watch (which cost 20000) in my bag, and we search throughly through my bag, and it wasnt there. mum lost her mood, and we headed back to the hotel without saying a word. back at the hotel, mum asked the guy in the reception if they found her watch, and they said no, so i went up myself to search it with mum, and we found it under the bed. the watch. it means that those guys didnt even come up at all. LIARS, LIARS, PANTS ON FIRE>>>>so everything was fine, good? ok. cool. after SAT, me and sunny(my brother), we went to wild wild wet, to play, it was fun, but i had height fright, and sunny forced me to go up to a slide that was 10 meters tall and slide down, when i come down, i was so scared, that i almost faint.he know that i had height fright, and he does it on purpose, what a guy, lol. that night was fun, we went to tompson road to eat chicken rice, it was reputated to be the best in the whole of singapore, and it seems true, there is alot of people there waiting for a seat.
and i think thats a trend, after bad luck, good luck comes, on sunday, on the way back, my flight is SQ 836, and guess what, when i was thinking of how to go home when i reached shanghai at 11, i met my classmate. NOUYEE, she was on the same flight with me, so on the plane, i asked her if i could take her car to puxi, and she said yes, so i had a free ride, lol. thanks nouyee. see thats why, its good sometimes. now all i had to do is to wait for my results to be out, i hope i will get around 1600, or higher. and at the same time, i am going to focus on my school work, and raise my results, espically math, chem, and biz(not reali), biz is stupid, i dun like it, the things it test. sign
this is high school , what can i do?wait wait iwait and wait. patience and hard work is all i need in life, in the future......and now....and now its time to study
i was wondering what i can get for IB,mum said 30 is enuf, but i know its not, and i am aiming for 35, which means at least 7 for 4 subjects, and i m confident for 3 of them. phy, biz, chinese, maybe english too. chem i am prettu sure i can raise it to about 3 or 4 this term , math will be 3 i guess, that makes 29, for this term, and i will improve somemore duiong the summer, to work on my EE and TOK essay, this 2 sucks, man cant fail....sigh sighs
god help me, now i know how hard life can be...........
Apr 27, 2009
SAT......
SAT on this Saturday, i am not sure if i am ready to actually take the test,....i dun have a choice, do i? i need to go back to Singapore to take the SAT exam. what should i do??i duno.....
I m leaving on wednesday night, i dun dare to face it...ARGH i having a very band headache now, reali bad, guess i am under too much pressure, i m afraid i freak out during the test....
i m in a state of melanchony now, duno what to do next...sign...high school sucks. and its so not fair, y didnt sunny recieve the cert when he is suppose to recieved, and MR low he did no shit then he got something, wat the fuck man......seriously, i m going to speak to the tacher about it, or i will kick ass....
Worried worried worried.....all i am not is worried and anxious, i feel that my veins r bursting out in me, and i cant take this anymore.....
life is difficult.....
I m leaving on wednesday night, i dun dare to face it...ARGH i having a very band headache now, reali bad, guess i am under too much pressure, i m afraid i freak out during the test....
i m in a state of melanchony now, duno what to do next...sign...high school sucks. and its so not fair, y didnt sunny recieve the cert when he is suppose to recieved, and MR low he did no shit then he got something, wat the fuck man......seriously, i m going to speak to the tacher about it, or i will kick ass....
Worried worried worried.....all i am not is worried and anxious, i feel that my veins r bursting out in me, and i cant take this anymore.....
life is difficult.....
Apr 23, 2009
if i can turn back time, i would change everything
if i had study harder, i would have better results
if i had learn guitar instead of piano
if.....
many many if in life
i duno y , but somehow i cant change the things, math i have being failing ever since i got to middle school and now i am high school, i m still failing. 1 2 3 on the report card.....how am i going to apply for university with that result? man wilson ot 33 and i got 22. FUCK MAN, i dun think its fun,
whats the point of living when nothing works now, my SAT, sign, duno what i will get for the actual exam, someone help
May 2nd cant think of it, i dun dare to think of it, i wana write on chinese history but what to write?doin on physics? Astrophysics? not agreed by parents....
failed math like shit, cant imagine whats next, mean chem i got 10 out of 24, should get 16, feeling like killing myself,!!!!!!!!! y y always me,
i dun wana be the one the battle always choose
y am i always the one failing
y do i suck at so many things?
is there one thing i m good at?
i dont think so, i cant explain this feeling inside me, i wana scream, but no sound comes out of me, i wana cry, but my tears r frozen...
The image i see in my mind....
Hurts me like when a child dies...
i cant face everything around me
i try to forget it
but it keeps coming back to me...
i tried to scream, i tried to cry
and i am still gona try
but at this stage,when nothing matters
whats the point of living?
take me away, slient angel
i see darkness infront of me
i see hells door opening,
waiting for me to jump in...
i dont want to say goodbye
but whats my choice here
rather than saying goodbye?......
Joshua said he will help me with chem and math, thanks man, thanks to everyone who helped me in life, but this is a time, when i think life is meaningless to me, no point applying to university when i know i cant make it, when there r only 1s 2s and 3s appearing on th progress report of mine............
if i had study harder, i would have better results
if i had learn guitar instead of piano
if.....
many many if in life
i duno y , but somehow i cant change the things, math i have being failing ever since i got to middle school and now i am high school, i m still failing. 1 2 3 on the report card.....how am i going to apply for university with that result? man wilson ot 33 and i got 22. FUCK MAN, i dun think its fun,
whats the point of living when nothing works now, my SAT, sign, duno what i will get for the actual exam, someone help
May 2nd cant think of it, i dun dare to think of it, i wana write on chinese history but what to write?doin on physics? Astrophysics? not agreed by parents....
failed math like shit, cant imagine whats next, mean chem i got 10 out of 24, should get 16, feeling like killing myself,!!!!!!!!! y y always me,
i dun wana be the one the battle always choose
y am i always the one failing
y do i suck at so many things?
is there one thing i m good at?
i dont think so, i cant explain this feeling inside me, i wana scream, but no sound comes out of me, i wana cry, but my tears r frozen...
The image i see in my mind....
Hurts me like when a child dies...
i cant face everything around me
i try to forget it
but it keeps coming back to me...
i tried to scream, i tried to cry
and i am still gona try
but at this stage,when nothing matters
whats the point of living?
take me away, slient angel
i see darkness infront of me
i see hells door opening,
waiting for me to jump in...
i dont want to say goodbye
but whats my choice here
rather than saying goodbye?......
Joshua said he will help me with chem and math, thanks man, thanks to everyone who helped me in life, but this is a time, when i think life is meaningless to me, no point applying to university when i know i cant make it, when there r only 1s 2s and 3s appearing on th progress report of mine............
Apr 9, 2009
god.!!nothing seems to work out here.!!my SAT why have i being screwing up for critical readin part? yes there are rules to it, i applied. i hate SAT reali hate it!
band rehersal on SATURDAY!!! need to choose 4 songs or 2(depends on the RFC admins). ok 15 minutes that way more that enough...em i guess we r doing shut up, only jimmy thinks we cant.
Sry chonghan man about ur relationship. it makes me more scared of falling into love, although its a good thing i know, but i have seen people around me, like CH, no insult, crying sadly, people breaking up, whats the point? i will say, dun even start it when u know it will end, y waste ur time and energy? u tell me?(not CH)???
i am sick and tired of life, i guess i need to find a reason to live. it makes me feel bad wehen friends cry. CH u can hold on forever, i cant. lol. but i do, i hate girls, every single one. because the hurt me b4, and.....make people laugh at me...!!!
i have scars that will not feel
i have wounds that will not heal
i have cuts on my hand that everyone can see.
but i also have pain that people dun understand
and they cant feel it
they dun care!!!!!!!
sometimes i duno whay i m here.? whats my mission? its driving me nuts, everything, another chemistty test next week, am i gona fail or pass?no idea...
msfong said i will pass, just believe, but believeing is easy, but doing it is hard, IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING? i dont reali agree to this, because it does not work for me, although i force myself not to hate chemistry and math, but i do, when it comes to hard topics, and also tests....it sucks, it reali sucks.
i want to find the reason,
find the reason why people hates me?
why why why why....?!!!
so how to save my life]becasuse i m dying.......
band rehersal on SATURDAY!!! need to choose 4 songs or 2(depends on the RFC admins). ok 15 minutes that way more that enough...em i guess we r doing shut up, only jimmy thinks we cant.
Sry chonghan man about ur relationship. it makes me more scared of falling into love, although its a good thing i know, but i have seen people around me, like CH, no insult, crying sadly, people breaking up, whats the point? i will say, dun even start it when u know it will end, y waste ur time and energy? u tell me?(not CH)???
i am sick and tired of life, i guess i need to find a reason to live. it makes me feel bad wehen friends cry. CH u can hold on forever, i cant. lol. but i do, i hate girls, every single one. because the hurt me b4, and.....make people laugh at me...!!!
i have scars that will not feel
i have wounds that will not heal
i have cuts on my hand that everyone can see.
but i also have pain that people dun understand
and they cant feel it
they dun care!!!!!!!
sometimes i duno whay i m here.? whats my mission? its driving me nuts, everything, another chemistty test next week, am i gona fail or pass?no idea...
msfong said i will pass, just believe, but believeing is easy, but doing it is hard, IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING? i dont reali agree to this, because it does not work for me, although i force myself not to hate chemistry and math, but i do, when it comes to hard topics, and also tests....it sucks, it reali sucks.
i want to find the reason,
find the reason why people hates me?
why why why why....?!!!
so how to save my life]becasuse i m dying.......
Apr 2, 2009
nth seems to work out anymore. i have beeen failing math and chem ever since i got to high school. SOMEONE tell me what to do. i give up on those subject, because i think i will fail IB anyways...
in school, i m hated, in the band, people thinks i m gay, the S4s S3s and S2s hates me, what the fuck did i do? well i know though, but that was long time ago, last SAT Digno test on Saturday, duno how much i will get. Man dream to America is no more now. i think thats the reason why i agreed to our new band name no more tomorrow...
Chem is easy, i get it, math is soso, some chapters not hard, some is. but when ever coming to exams, i m always screwing, same for physics,business and the rest....
i dont know y, but when exams comes, the first thought that come to my mind is 'i m going to fail". god and i really failed..uncle told me to think of red, mum and grandma told me to have faith and confidence, but how?
lying to myself saying i can do it, when i cant is not going to help. something goes wrong inside me....which i dont know y, everyone has their own strength, my is music, and concepts, not application....but this world works on application, and i want a Iphone, but most properbly not going to get it...this life is not what is seems, it contains more than i can ever take....
it contains more than i can ever get through
for once i understand something in math...well....good for me....
i wanted to do many things myself, i wanted to live myself, do things myself, lear how to drive.etc...many many more, but somehow i cant do something without the help of parents. another chem test on the 17th...i m going to fail again...because i always fail and i give up...math guess testing soon, and business test is near by, i forgot when though..but i must do well for business, i need to have a high predicted grade, to increase on my GPA, and SAT, thats something i m worrying the most, andi m working hard on it....die man die...die and no pressure at all.
the truth is, i duno y am i on earth, i have a mission, everyone does, but i cant find any evidence or clue to lead me to the answer...i m still searching for it....y people hate me, yea even in choir, alright, victor u will get it, u will..!!!!
i never forget that scene, and us sister is a bitch to me, so i aint scared of u, jeff wun help, i do things myself, my friends, called "friends".....
i need direction in life, things are storing up in my heart, i need to release it, in my own way...............
in school, i m hated, in the band, people thinks i m gay, the S4s S3s and S2s hates me, what the fuck did i do? well i know though, but that was long time ago, last SAT Digno test on Saturday, duno how much i will get. Man dream to America is no more now. i think thats the reason why i agreed to our new band name no more tomorrow...
Chem is easy, i get it, math is soso, some chapters not hard, some is. but when ever coming to exams, i m always screwing, same for physics,business and the rest....
i dont know y, but when exams comes, the first thought that come to my mind is 'i m going to fail". god and i really failed..uncle told me to think of red, mum and grandma told me to have faith and confidence, but how?
lying to myself saying i can do it, when i cant is not going to help. something goes wrong inside me....which i dont know y, everyone has their own strength, my is music, and concepts, not application....but this world works on application, and i want a Iphone, but most properbly not going to get it...this life is not what is seems, it contains more than i can ever take....
it contains more than i can ever get through
for once i understand something in math...well....good for me....
i wanted to do many things myself, i wanted to live myself, do things myself, lear how to drive.etc...many many more, but somehow i cant do something without the help of parents. another chem test on the 17th...i m going to fail again...because i always fail and i give up...math guess testing soon, and business test is near by, i forgot when though..but i must do well for business, i need to have a high predicted grade, to increase on my GPA, and SAT, thats something i m worrying the most, andi m working hard on it....die man die...die and no pressure at all.
the truth is, i duno y am i on earth, i have a mission, everyone does, but i cant find any evidence or clue to lead me to the answer...i m still searching for it....y people hate me, yea even in choir, alright, victor u will get it, u will..!!!!
i never forget that scene, and us sister is a bitch to me, so i aint scared of u, jeff wun help, i do things myself, my friends, called "friends".....
i need direction in life, things are storing up in my heart, i need to release it, in my own way...............
Mar 29, 2009
i duno, SAT is in may second, its fast i have like only a month left, need to work harder, and RFC, its driving me nuts, too much things, how am i going to compromise with all those things i m facing, who understands?
At least i dont, i dont think i can take this anymore,....i dun even think i can get a good score on the SAT, no point lying to myself, and i said i wun let micheal down, i will try, but if i do, sry then man, i tried, many thing i think icant do.
and i aint gay, but i m not that kind of evil person, although i say somethings, but i never mean it, and of course, i never do those things,
life sucks, and i m sry janice, i didnt tell u , u were out of the band, its not my intension, its jimmys idea, i m sry for everything i have done, i m sry sry sry sry sry sry sry.....how am i feeling now, the truth is, i have no idea too, i lost direction in life, and i dun think i can ever find it, its so wrong, everything is so wrong here.
its very very wrong......
At least i dont, i dont think i can take this anymore,....i dun even think i can get a good score on the SAT, no point lying to myself, and i said i wun let micheal down, i will try, but if i do, sry then man, i tried, many thing i think icant do.
and i aint gay, but i m not that kind of evil person, although i say somethings, but i never mean it, and of course, i never do those things,
life sucks, and i m sry janice, i didnt tell u , u were out of the band, its not my intension, its jimmys idea, i m sry for everything i have done, i m sry sry sry sry sry sry sry.....how am i feeling now, the truth is, i have no idea too, i lost direction in life, and i dun think i can ever find it, its so wrong, everything is so wrong here.
its very very wrong......
Mar 19, 2009
Mar 15, 2009
i got the gayest hair cut of my whole fucking life, duno y my mum likes that, i have my style, now its broken....damn....nvm...cant change it
today i talked about university with my mum, she said once i left home, many things will be different, i have to learn to drive, cook. etc. thats what sunny said. hes back from Singapore for a week, as he is having holiday there. and i just found out that my SAT teacher is like 5 years older than me! wow! anyways hes cool, i think he is from Colorado university not sure though, he said hes from Penn state. lol...
but i want a better life, i m tired and sick of everything.
thanks sunny for all the food and drinks from Singapore, my brother is kind, i never notice that, he is somewhat like me, the personality, but not really the same. i guess i am way to kind, and thats why people wants to hurt me. Because thats is what i m told from young, we have to do good things, not bad things, i guess i need to hide, hide from all the attacks and insults from others, and find my own life. SAT i m not sure if i can make it or not. I dunt dare to take another test by myself, because i dun dare to see the results, i dunt...i m not sure why, but ever since the last few months of my 16th years old, i start to be less intrested in everything, and also my temper dropped dramatically, nothing pissed me off as easy as before, i m not sure what cause this, but i am sure that i am changing, changing into someone who i dunt even know who i am now......
today i talked about university with my mum, she said once i left home, many things will be different, i have to learn to drive, cook. etc. thats what sunny said. hes back from Singapore for a week, as he is having holiday there. and i just found out that my SAT teacher is like 5 years older than me! wow! anyways hes cool, i think he is from Colorado university not sure though, he said hes from Penn state. lol...
but i want a better life, i m tired and sick of everything.
thanks sunny for all the food and drinks from Singapore, my brother is kind, i never notice that, he is somewhat like me, the personality, but not really the same. i guess i am way to kind, and thats why people wants to hurt me. Because thats is what i m told from young, we have to do good things, not bad things, i guess i need to hide, hide from all the attacks and insults from others, and find my own life. SAT i m not sure if i can make it or not. I dunt dare to take another test by myself, because i dun dare to see the results, i dunt...i m not sure why, but ever since the last few months of my 16th years old, i start to be less intrested in everything, and also my temper dropped dramatically, nothing pissed me off as easy as before, i m not sure what cause this, but i am sure that i am changing, changing into someone who i dunt even know who i am now......
Mar 13, 2009
Mar 11, 2009
Fragile future 5
this year is important, i mean SAT, i should get full marks on grammer, because i should!
Well sry chong han, for what happened to u, i mean there are girls better than her, i know u thats u give in alot, or lets say contribute...man cheer up dun be like me, i m a failer, its natural, but u r so much better than me, i m sure u will get someone.
i m sleeping late everyday now, feeling very tired, sign, i dun have a choice do i, i want a good life, so must work hard now!!!! every exam and homework counts, math......i have being bad since young, but i understand, but somehow in exams, i always screw up, i need to find out y, man this life is boring, tell me something i m worth to live in this world for.
i am not sure how much i can take this anymore, not sure whats my aim now, i m lost, and i need to find my direction in life. can anyone tell me where the light is, someone guide me?
i m the oldest in the family, which means, i have the most reponsibiliy to my future, cause i will need to support the family when i grow up, but i m not sure if i can make it to university or not, i m close very close, this year at this date, i am like 30% from university gate, but the last 30% is the hardest, u may say i have being through this for 17 years, yes but i m afraid i cant make it to the final percent.........
Well sry chong han, for what happened to u, i mean there are girls better than her, i know u thats u give in alot, or lets say contribute...man cheer up dun be like me, i m a failer, its natural, but u r so much better than me, i m sure u will get someone.
i m sleeping late everyday now, feeling very tired, sign, i dun have a choice do i, i want a good life, so must work hard now!!!! every exam and homework counts, math......i have being bad since young, but i understand, but somehow in exams, i always screw up, i need to find out y, man this life is boring, tell me something i m worth to live in this world for.
i am not sure how much i can take this anymore, not sure whats my aim now, i m lost, and i need to find my direction in life. can anyone tell me where the light is, someone guide me?
i m the oldest in the family, which means, i have the most reponsibiliy to my future, cause i will need to support the family when i grow up, but i m not sure if i can make it to university or not, i m close very close, this year at this date, i am like 30% from university gate, but the last 30% is the hardest, u may say i have being through this for 17 years, yes but i m afraid i cant make it to the final percent.........
Mar 8, 2009
fragile future 4
dun think i am going to perform for RFC(rock for charity). i guess now i know why people kick me out of the band? am i bossy?sometimes i guess,or most of the time..sry..but i am beginning to hate society, i m blaming it on society,no myself,
now i m not afraid of death anymore,because my life is in darkness, death is something everyone faces at birth,something we cant escape from, life is fixed,its a natural thing. not intrested in anything, no idea why,but i think studying is fun, and better,cant believe i fail math again, because of !@#$%^&*Careless mistakes...thats bad, i mean i need to over come this problem...this whole week, or lets say these few weeks, i feel bad, tired, nothing fun about life. life is hopeless, cause i cant find the meaning....
not sure abut my SAT. kerri got 2200,thats good, wilson and johni got 1400,not good, not against them, but the truth. i m aiming for? i m not sure too, i guess i m aiming for 1800, thats the average, i want to get into a good university, everyone does, but what if my Math stays at a 2 for IB, that will make me hard for applying for university, i had to do something from today, from now........
i did, i understand, i did the homework teacher gave, but somehow when coming to exams i screwed up....i feel like killing myself before exams, because i dun dare to face it after exams...music...yea jimmy thinks hes good. for me performing or not performing dun matter, i have CAS hours in other ways, and i m forming a better in University , but the thing is i need to get into a university first. thats the first part. so lets work hard for now.
life sucks, nothing turns out well, i wun cut my wrists again, there is no more space for it, mayb right hand this time, instead of left, i wana feeel the pain outside and not inside.
sometimes it hurts alot to be who you are, because we can change out mind, but not our heart, kill my name or kill the i\time.....
now i m not afraid of death anymore,because my life is in darkness, death is something everyone faces at birth,something we cant escape from, life is fixed,its a natural thing. not intrested in anything, no idea why,but i think studying is fun, and better,cant believe i fail math again, because of !@#$%^&*Careless mistakes...thats bad, i mean i need to over come this problem...this whole week, or lets say these few weeks, i feel bad, tired, nothing fun about life. life is hopeless, cause i cant find the meaning....
not sure abut my SAT. kerri got 2200,thats good, wilson and johni got 1400,not good, not against them, but the truth. i m aiming for? i m not sure too, i guess i m aiming for 1800, thats the average, i want to get into a good university, everyone does, but what if my Math stays at a 2 for IB, that will make me hard for applying for university, i had to do something from today, from now........
i did, i understand, i did the homework teacher gave, but somehow when coming to exams i screwed up....i feel like killing myself before exams, because i dun dare to face it after exams...music...yea jimmy thinks hes good. for me performing or not performing dun matter, i have CAS hours in other ways, and i m forming a better in University , but the thing is i need to get into a university first. thats the first part. so lets work hard for now.
life sucks, nothing turns out well, i wun cut my wrists again, there is no more space for it, mayb right hand this time, instead of left, i wana feeel the pain outside and not inside.
sometimes it hurts alot to be who you are, because we can change out mind, but not our heart, kill my name or kill the i\time.....
Mar 5, 2009
math test result...did better than last time, mr evanno marked me wrong for 3 quesions, maybe can get 3 marks back for that, i cant be getting single digit all the time,since i got to high skl, i have never pass math, it sucks, this sucks...seriously sucks, i understand everything, but for exam i somehow always get the right questions wrong, i need to find out why that happened
Mar 3, 2009
fragile future 3
today in skl, a university from germany, came to our skl and gave a talk. i attended. guess i can go to germany for university, but my parents want me to go either USA or UK. its also my fault, i guess i made the wrong decision by saying i want to go america...
second day of my 17th BD, guess i still didnt founf direction in life...for 17 years, i m lost in life..its half way through IB, its the final barrier i have to cross, i cant turn back,no more chance, either make it to the goal, or die...thats life for high skl, and i need good IB results, and i m getting 7 for chem,phy,bus,ans chinese, i think i can...i hate life, i m tired of everything, y does dad make me learn about the !@#$%coloum law, when we dont need to, y does he always wanted to stuff things in my mind, i choose phy bcoz he is good in it, i m sick of living under his shadow for 17 years, i m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
second day of my 17th BD, guess i still didnt founf direction in life...for 17 years, i m lost in life..its half way through IB, its the final barrier i have to cross, i cant turn back,no more chance, either make it to the goal, or die...thats life for high skl, and i need good IB results, and i m getting 7 for chem,phy,bus,ans chinese, i think i can...i hate life, i m tired of everything, y does dad make me learn about the !@#$%coloum law, when we dont need to, y does he always wanted to stuff things in my mind, i choose phy bcoz he is good in it, i m sick of living under his shadow for 17 years, i m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feb 27, 2009
SAT test tmr, its a mock test, second time going to take it,hope dun get that bad...i have being joining the SAT class, since the 18th, everything is going pretty good for me, at least that what i feel about it...
here i am thinking about life again, its a thought i cant get off my mind..no idea y,but somehow...yea...dad makes me study, of course,but i just notice that i have so much things to do in the following on year. Math test is on monday, i m done with hw, and i understand it, except small part of integration....
now i m beginning to hate skl more, some one took my MATH BOOK today, and hid it somewhere, i duno where it is, but i know its somewhere, if thats a prank, i hope it stop, but if that person really needs it, i will be willing to lend, i m not selfish....but dunt do that...someone has being going around stealing text books. this is not funny...i m serious, i m damn pissed now. mayb now i know y people want to do that to me...they hate me, i am hated in the class..............................
yes, i admit, sometimes i can be over reactive, but thats like 2 ,3 years ago? i m 17 now, and i know, i am beginning to think and do things like a 17 year old, not like a kid anymore, i know thats call bad impression.....
life sucks, i dun wana live anymore
whats the point of living when u know nothing turns out right
whats the point of trying when u know u will fail in the end?
whats the point of trying to get close to people, when there is a force, repelling u from them? its no point, isnt it? there might be many things waiting for me to do..and i understand...but still, y try to force pressure on me, when i m already breaking down, decaying,dissolving in everything, i m broken down into pieces...pick me up and put me back together again, but there will be cracks, and one day i will crack again.....like glass....
life is fragile, everything is, i am, i already have many cracks in my heart, and i cant take anymore, since they all dun want me in choir, i will leave...to some other CCA, i will still get CAS hours. but i like chior, its music, its something beautiful to me...music is my life! well nvm now.
my life on standby right now.......i guess when people said life is comin to an end, i know wat it mean now. i guess this is y i like this band ALESANA,because their songs suit me,
Sweat drips in my eyes
screams of lust we cry
tonight you are everything
you're everything...
you're everything to me no more
as I wake from this perfect dream
I'll escape from Eden's walls
can I not stay and live this lie?
go away and I'll think only of myself
And to think that you would not be scared
or surprised if I'd severed all these ties
this is the end...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions...
would this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now...go away...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
Now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears
I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
In my mind blood drips from your eyes
a beautiful last goodbye
here i am thinking about life again, its a thought i cant get off my mind..no idea y,but somehow...yea...dad makes me study, of course,but i just notice that i have so much things to do in the following on year. Math test is on monday, i m done with hw, and i understand it, except small part of integration....
now i m beginning to hate skl more, some one took my MATH BOOK today, and hid it somewhere, i duno where it is, but i know its somewhere, if thats a prank, i hope it stop, but if that person really needs it, i will be willing to lend, i m not selfish....but dunt do that...someone has being going around stealing text books. this is not funny...i m serious, i m damn pissed now. mayb now i know y people want to do that to me...they hate me, i am hated in the class..............................
yes, i admit, sometimes i can be over reactive, but thats like 2 ,3 years ago? i m 17 now, and i know, i am beginning to think and do things like a 17 year old, not like a kid anymore, i know thats call bad impression.....
life sucks, i dun wana live anymore
whats the point of living when u know nothing turns out right
whats the point of trying when u know u will fail in the end?
whats the point of trying to get close to people, when there is a force, repelling u from them? its no point, isnt it? there might be many things waiting for me to do..and i understand...but still, y try to force pressure on me, when i m already breaking down, decaying,dissolving in everything, i m broken down into pieces...pick me up and put me back together again, but there will be cracks, and one day i will crack again.....like glass....
life is fragile, everything is, i am, i already have many cracks in my heart, and i cant take anymore, since they all dun want me in choir, i will leave...to some other CCA, i will still get CAS hours. but i like chior, its music, its something beautiful to me...music is my life! well nvm now.
my life on standby right now.......i guess when people said life is comin to an end, i know wat it mean now. i guess this is y i like this band ALESANA,because their songs suit me,
Sweat drips in my eyes
screams of lust we cry
tonight you are everything
you're everything...
you're everything to me no more
as I wake from this perfect dream
I'll escape from Eden's walls
can I not stay and live this lie?
go away and I'll think only of myself
And to think that you would not be scared
or surprised if I'd severed all these ties
this is the end...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions...
would this be the same?
broken pieces will not mend to save our past now...go away...
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
Now we must let go
urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears
I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again
I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight
help me get over you
one last false apology
help me get over you
In my mind blood drips from your eyes
a beautiful last goodbye
Feb 26, 2009
going 17 in 3 days
i m becoming 17 in 3 days, one more year older, means more responsibiliy..i seem that i dun care about every thing, i m indifferent, but i do actually. i care about the world, i hear many thing about the economic crises, its on the papers, its in the news, i see it everywhere. i have to care, because adults have being talking about it, some ay it will affect me, who knows, i heard dad and mum talking a few days ago, about the economic crises..it affects me, it gets on my nerve, somehow i care..
polanise, i am gona own that song, and show to wilson and kerri who is the good one at piano, yea i know piano is not for showing off, i like it, its my personal hobby, i use it to express my feelings, but i like polonaise.
well today did something wrong, said something nasty to flo, sry , i wun do that again, i will think b4 i say anything the next time. now i am under pressure, i am sick of life, sick of friends, sick of everyone, mostly, sick of all those things i have to do...what am i going to do?i m not sure, i need a direction...a direction....I m stressed, from BIZ,Chem,Phy,Math and TOK. thats like 4 HL and 1 stupid subject, i was actually Sl for BIZ,but went for Hl lessons, duno i agreed that time...chem i am ok now, and for phy, i cant believe MR Lloyd didnt teach a lot of things, compared with the AP text book we have, IB phy is nth.....telling the truth. my left leg hurts, no idea y, guess its because i jump a lot with my left leg during matches...should use both,but somehow i use one leg, many people do...
BAnd....yea...over totally,not going to performance for Rock for charity, dun even ask me, i made up my mind, to STUDY. and get a good future, i can have like 10 bands in university,but not now...no more fun for 1 year, 1 year and i am in USA>>..time is quick...its already march now, and i am leaving in sep 2010....
only mum and dad will trust what uncle said about some angle shit. i have to face north to study well, i just lack focus, its the same everywhere, notice something in myself these few days, acting more like an American...is it good or bad? my best thinking time is now, i guess, wide awake, energetic,et. i need to lose weight, i am way to heavy, no wonder i can jump high...i m losin weight starting from tmr onwards, eat less in skl, hope i dun forget...
in skl i m just a invisible person, nobody notice i am there, at home i am just a normal boy trying to get good results in skl. in life i am a failure who never have gotton a GF till now, and a loner. IS this my life? may be i guess so, may \be this is what i am like since young.
I am not ok, i m not ok...i m not sure what to do, rather than studying, i am not that type who can sit down there for like 8 hours studying, joshua can i guess, i lose my focus span after like 3 hours, max, and there is damn bad...
just focus now, and i hope someone, can do something about the crises, its not something that i need to care about, and its not my business, but once again, i somehow need to care, because being an IB global citizen, its part of my job, may be thats y IB rocks...
I need a fresh start from 17, turn a new blank page, and leave all the things that i have done behind, and lead a new life, i need a plan...........i want a new page with no devries on it.....
polanise, i am gona own that song, and show to wilson and kerri who is the good one at piano, yea i know piano is not for showing off, i like it, its my personal hobby, i use it to express my feelings, but i like polonaise.
well today did something wrong, said something nasty to flo, sry , i wun do that again, i will think b4 i say anything the next time. now i am under pressure, i am sick of life, sick of friends, sick of everyone, mostly, sick of all those things i have to do...what am i going to do?i m not sure, i need a direction...a direction....I m stressed, from BIZ,Chem,Phy,Math and TOK. thats like 4 HL and 1 stupid subject, i was actually Sl for BIZ,but went for Hl lessons, duno i agreed that time...chem i am ok now, and for phy, i cant believe MR Lloyd didnt teach a lot of things, compared with the AP text book we have, IB phy is nth.....telling the truth. my left leg hurts, no idea y, guess its because i jump a lot with my left leg during matches...should use both,but somehow i use one leg, many people do...
BAnd....yea...over totally,not going to performance for Rock for charity, dun even ask me, i made up my mind, to STUDY. and get a good future, i can have like 10 bands in university,but not now...no more fun for 1 year, 1 year and i am in USA>>..time is quick...its already march now, and i am leaving in sep 2010....
only mum and dad will trust what uncle said about some angle shit. i have to face north to study well, i just lack focus, its the same everywhere, notice something in myself these few days, acting more like an American...is it good or bad? my best thinking time is now, i guess, wide awake, energetic,et. i need to lose weight, i am way to heavy, no wonder i can jump high...i m losin weight starting from tmr onwards, eat less in skl, hope i dun forget...
in skl i m just a invisible person, nobody notice i am there, at home i am just a normal boy trying to get good results in skl. in life i am a failure who never have gotton a GF till now, and a loner. IS this my life? may be i guess so, may \be this is what i am like since young.
I am not ok, i m not ok...i m not sure what to do, rather than studying, i am not that type who can sit down there for like 8 hours studying, joshua can i guess, i lose my focus span after like 3 hours, max, and there is damn bad...
just focus now, and i hope someone, can do something about the crises, its not something that i need to care about, and its not my business, but once again, i somehow need to care, because being an IB global citizen, its part of my job, may be thats y IB rocks...
I need a fresh start from 17, turn a new blank page, and leave all the things that i have done behind, and lead a new life, i need a plan...........i want a new page with no devries on it.....
me, i am sick of everybody else, the girl she has a BF, so means i am hopeless, somehow,...nvm...i am always being a failure on relationship cases, and now its also not the right time to get one.....i m sick of this life, sick of this town, sick of everyone around me,,,i am under too much pressure, from skl from home from SAT. and i am having a math test on the day of my 17th birthday, and this SAT i have a SAT test...very bad instead....who can understand, in skl, i am not being seen as appearing, they will only play with me during basketball, and since thats the case, i have nothing to worry about, and actually focus on my studies, because jeff is right, result is what get us into a good university, and a good furture..... so i need good results.
So i have to start working hard towars my aim now, and also i am gaining self confidence, bit by bit, i duno who help me ,but someone did, or is it myself, me i think this life is ruined at this stage of time, and i can do nothing, but watch it fade away....i really hope i will recieve some regconition in skl, from people...........
to be continued
So i have to start working hard towars my aim now, and also i am gaining self confidence, bit by bit, i duno who help me ,but someone did, or is it myself, me i think this life is ruined at this stage of time, and i can do nothing, but watch it fade away....i really hope i will recieve some regconition in skl, from people...........
to be continued
Feb 22, 2009
running out of time
not enough time..my problem...blame myself for getting bad results in skl, its always like that since i went to secondary skl to high skl now, i am always late at sitting down and settling down to focus on studies and now i know....i have chem,phy, math and SAT....harsh!!!!!!
but now at least i am done for chemistry, i got everything, physics, i finally understood how RELATIVITY works!!!!cool enough..now only math left, i m really bad at it, but i am still able to conquer SAT math(its easy)...i am working very hard now to catch up the pace of the class and everyone in the society, i dun want to be the underdog in the society, and i am not going to be at the bottom layer of the pyrmaid....
in my SAT class,everything is fine though,its good, the teacher micheal,i call him mike,his cool,his american, i want to be like him...in the class, only four of us, 3 boys and one girl, she blonde, from holland,in SAS. She looks good, i am not implying i like her or something(or i might i duno),but i m telling the truth. but even if i like her, i said IF, i dun think she will like me, cause no one does, everyone thinks i am fat ugly, dirty and ....she might also already have a BF, god knows, well anyways no time to bother about this, i am thinking about skl life everyday...its hard...IB sucks.
i got scolded by dad for nothing, all i was was to log on to msn, i talked to no one, my friend talked to me, and i go scolded cause i log on to msn, my fault.....i m always the one blamed. its not fair, Sunny wants a laptop, he gets it, i want one too, no way is the answer. sunny went to singapore, he got a new cell, i want one too, no way again..mayb thats how the oldest is treated in the family, but these r minor thing compared to results that will get me into university,i wonder, y r my parents so harsh on me, look at my friends, i mean they get to hang out anytime they want, with friends. but i have no friends..i am a loner....and for my subject combination, i m made to choose what i dun want to...i choose physics since grade 9 and not allowed to drop it because my dad is PHD at physics, i want to choose bio, because i love bio,but no....i wana choose music for grade 11, and not chem, no way, because its important...all sorts of reason to prevent me from choosing what i want. i am tired of all these, really tired....
i am sick of this life, i wana scream, i wana talk to someone, express myself out, on the piano, to someone, tell them who i really was, but i cant, because no one would listen to me...they say boys dun cry, yea i dunt ,but i am bleeding inside of me, no one can see, i m strong on the surface, but weak beneath
my dad had always told me to be a gentle man, and be kind to other people, and always control my temper when anything happens, but the msn thing, and the car thing b4, those are big thing,(the car), but msn is a small thing, and my dad lose his temper at me, its not fair, i did what he told me to do,but y cant he see what i am trying to do. i am trying too, to get good grades, to get into a good university, to have a good future...he cant see...
this is not the life i want, i am bird in a cage, i dun want to live under the shadow of my dad anymore, i cant face anymore pressure, because i am always on the edge of breaking down, and i am suffocating from everything, love,hate,skl,SAT,insults,laughter.etc. i cant take it...cant take it...
the case that i dun have a GF is because i am not allowed, my bro sunny, found a GF, my mum said nothing,he was like 12 when he did...for me,its a different story, i have being hurt so badly, by girls, who once liked me, hurt me so badly, even guys, everyone...
i hate this world, espically girls....because i found them black, they r dark color creatures, and so i dun dare to open up myself again to the world,but i still have that little bit of love inside me, and it will still burn like fire red, if i open up, but i have to make sure i wun get hurt again...i wonder y am i a failure in love, y do girls always dump me, when i did nth wrong? yea i admit i am not a funny person, ok all i have is knowledge..i guess...and i cant say jokes....what else is the reason? in general relativity, when something with very large mass occupies a soace, it will contract into a singularity, and form a black hole, thats what happning to me now, and when i am in the black hole, i never get out.....
but now at least i am done for chemistry, i got everything, physics, i finally understood how RELATIVITY works!!!!cool enough..now only math left, i m really bad at it, but i am still able to conquer SAT math(its easy)...i am working very hard now to catch up the pace of the class and everyone in the society, i dun want to be the underdog in the society, and i am not going to be at the bottom layer of the pyrmaid....
in my SAT class,everything is fine though,its good, the teacher micheal,i call him mike,his cool,his american, i want to be like him...in the class, only four of us, 3 boys and one girl, she blonde, from holland,in SAS. She looks good, i am not implying i like her or something(or i might i duno),but i m telling the truth. but even if i like her, i said IF, i dun think she will like me, cause no one does, everyone thinks i am fat ugly, dirty and ....she might also already have a BF, god knows, well anyways no time to bother about this, i am thinking about skl life everyday...its hard...IB sucks.
i got scolded by dad for nothing, all i was was to log on to msn, i talked to no one, my friend talked to me, and i go scolded cause i log on to msn, my fault.....i m always the one blamed. its not fair, Sunny wants a laptop, he gets it, i want one too, no way is the answer. sunny went to singapore, he got a new cell, i want one too, no way again..mayb thats how the oldest is treated in the family, but these r minor thing compared to results that will get me into university,i wonder, y r my parents so harsh on me, look at my friends, i mean they get to hang out anytime they want, with friends. but i have no friends..i am a loner....and for my subject combination, i m made to choose what i dun want to...i choose physics since grade 9 and not allowed to drop it because my dad is PHD at physics, i want to choose bio, because i love bio,but no....i wana choose music for grade 11, and not chem, no way, because its important...all sorts of reason to prevent me from choosing what i want. i am tired of all these, really tired....
i am sick of this life, i wana scream, i wana talk to someone, express myself out, on the piano, to someone, tell them who i really was, but i cant, because no one would listen to me...they say boys dun cry, yea i dunt ,but i am bleeding inside of me, no one can see, i m strong on the surface, but weak beneath
my dad had always told me to be a gentle man, and be kind to other people, and always control my temper when anything happens, but the msn thing, and the car thing b4, those are big thing,(the car), but msn is a small thing, and my dad lose his temper at me, its not fair, i did what he told me to do,but y cant he see what i am trying to do. i am trying too, to get good grades, to get into a good university, to have a good future...he cant see...
this is not the life i want, i am bird in a cage, i dun want to live under the shadow of my dad anymore, i cant face anymore pressure, because i am always on the edge of breaking down, and i am suffocating from everything, love,hate,skl,SAT,insults,laughter.etc. i cant take it...cant take it...
the case that i dun have a GF is because i am not allowed, my bro sunny, found a GF, my mum said nothing,he was like 12 when he did...for me,its a different story, i have being hurt so badly, by girls, who once liked me, hurt me so badly, even guys, everyone...
i hate this world, espically girls....because i found them black, they r dark color creatures, and so i dun dare to open up myself again to the world,but i still have that little bit of love inside me, and it will still burn like fire red, if i open up, but i have to make sure i wun get hurt again...i wonder y am i a failure in love, y do girls always dump me, when i did nth wrong? yea i admit i am not a funny person, ok all i have is knowledge..i guess...and i cant say jokes....what else is the reason? in general relativity, when something with very large mass occupies a soace, it will contract into a singularity, and form a black hole, thats what happning to me now, and when i am in the black hole, i never get out.....
Feb 19, 2009
tired of high school, so much work to do, and pressure!!!!argh!!,well this is life...went to the first SAT class yesterday, its good, that guy is cool , he speaks with american accent, so i want to go america.lol. but i m sure i am going to american...so need SAT and IB> important, have to work hard now. after PTC, i suddenly discovered that i understand everything, even math,not all though, but improved. listening to this years grade 8 song, its pretty hard, not sure if i m taking it or not..
Feb 13, 2009
PTC...Furture
i knew it, shouldnt have went to PTC. well no good commands, from chem..math not there, at least i didnt see, lucky...chem teacher said i have no self confidence,well, i just dun get chem at all, not dun get,but is confused with the concepts and stuffs. now i am looking at math again, i know the concepts, but cant apply, to questions, why do we have to do that? its stupid, but i seriously dun get those question behind chapter 7 and 10. trigo, and DY/Dx, something i hate, damn, i also dun get volume of revolution, its damn hard, i still have like SAT to do, under really very very much pressure, life sucks, i wana die, i cant get anything right god! safe me!tell me whats wrong with me!!!!!.....i duno what i should do now, IB is important, but chem and math matters alot too, i mean i cant let this two subjects pull down my over mark.....for IB.....i need to find a way to slove it,,....i wana die....argh!!!!!!!!
Feb 12, 2009
2008,2009=disaster
Thanks jeff, u r truely my bro, my best buddy, i guess u r the next guy who is the best to me after my family members, for you, i wun quit choir, i aint gay,but i respect friendship. i will keep all my unhappiness down in me,deep,never show it.
Got report card back today,shit man,it sucks. CHEM AND MATH.2...2 each,thats damn gay,out of 7. n for physics 4? i m not satisfyed enough, i want a five, i should get 4.lol. but business i got 7s, and i will maintain it, i totally give up on chem and math, yea i know its my problem, although ms fong said that everyone is bad this year, but this dun imply anything, if we cant get into university its not her problem, shes just here to help us,....same for mr evanno, i need to start working, to improve my results, i guess tmr i am ready to die, face teachers commands, i already can figure our what they will say to my mum, and back home, i will be screwed, everytime, or lets say every year before term 3 , its my worse year, but i always get better after term 2 ends, is this a trend? but this year seems different, everything is different. the subjects r much harder now(of course),but the best in our class, is like just pass...and the rest r like fail fail fail...what the heck os wrong this year..to everyone of us, some people wanted to ace this year, me too man, but we cant can we? does everyone agree this year is a disaster? or lets say starting from 2008, onwards, when we r still in S4, is this set? at the beginning of my life? i worked hard(mayb not enough),but i got nothing in return, this aint me, and for choir, thats another story, for band, bye bye, because i cant take this anymore seriously, i am breaking down everyday bit by bit.
i want to move on, but something blocks me, i cant find what it is, or see it, its some kind of invisble force...this year is a disaster...its hard,very hard...i am not sure what i can get for IB now, i got all together 27 for term 2 report, and 21 for term 1. so i am sure i can get 30 for term 3. all i need is to maintain english ar 5, business and chinese at 7, and improve physics to 5, and chem and business to 3 each, or 4. then i will beat 30..my aim....lets do it now...i still have time do i? i still have SAT, which is more more more more more more than IB> cant screw that man, or no more america dream university, than only one way left, SINGAPORE, that means i have to use IB, so both important........now i discovered that 7 is not hard to get...
this year is driving me insane, and i might break down anytime....i tried so hard, and got so far,but in the end, nothing matters.........
Got report card back today,shit man,it sucks. CHEM AND MATH.2...2 each,thats damn gay,out of 7. n for physics 4? i m not satisfyed enough, i want a five, i should get 4.lol. but business i got 7s, and i will maintain it, i totally give up on chem and math, yea i know its my problem, although ms fong said that everyone is bad this year, but this dun imply anything, if we cant get into university its not her problem, shes just here to help us,....same for mr evanno, i need to start working, to improve my results, i guess tmr i am ready to die, face teachers commands, i already can figure our what they will say to my mum, and back home, i will be screwed, everytime, or lets say every year before term 3 , its my worse year, but i always get better after term 2 ends, is this a trend? but this year seems different, everything is different. the subjects r much harder now(of course),but the best in our class, is like just pass...and the rest r like fail fail fail...what the heck os wrong this year..to everyone of us, some people wanted to ace this year, me too man, but we cant can we? does everyone agree this year is a disaster? or lets say starting from 2008, onwards, when we r still in S4, is this set? at the beginning of my life? i worked hard(mayb not enough),but i got nothing in return, this aint me, and for choir, thats another story, for band, bye bye, because i cant take this anymore seriously, i am breaking down everyday bit by bit.
i want to move on, but something blocks me, i cant find what it is, or see it, its some kind of invisble force...this year is a disaster...its hard,very hard...i am not sure what i can get for IB now, i got all together 27 for term 2 report, and 21 for term 1. so i am sure i can get 30 for term 3. all i need is to maintain english ar 5, business and chinese at 7, and improve physics to 5, and chem and business to 3 each, or 4. then i will beat 30..my aim....lets do it now...i still have time do i? i still have SAT, which is more more more more more more than IB> cant screw that man, or no more america dream university, than only one way left, SINGAPORE, that means i have to use IB, so both important........now i discovered that 7 is not hard to get...
this year is driving me insane, and i might break down anytime....i tried so hard, and got so far,but in the end, nothing matters.........
Feb 10, 2009
What is my choice?
i wana quit choir, well people said i am not good at singing, then its better that i quit, instead of wasting my time there. right? i will satisfy u all...well for jeff, i am really really sorry, i mean i know u r SC but out skl is gay and stupid for the rules for SC. u shouldnt go to choir because of me, i apperciate that, alot,really. i dun wana leave choir too,but i dont have a choice do i? its those people, b4 i used to be defensive against every body,because i dun wana be hurt again.but should i quit? thought of it for the whole night, is this really what i want in life,what is that i am trying to acheive, i duno....today, got scolded,just because i command on our skl,but its true, i know what to say to the "teacher". he aint a teacher, hes the head of guards, our skl its not fair, and jimmy is leaving, i mean, i cant change skl now, duno what to do...y cant parents just understand?
Getting assinated on friday, will recieve very damn bad negative commands from teachers, like mr evanno, and ms fong, because i fucked up for this tow subjects, but i didnt want to,nobody wants to,but i somehow did it.....people have different blogs, but my is special, because no ones reads mine, only me. lol. anyways my 3s r getting better and more accurate, well i guess today i proved i am the one good at basketball...lol,but i played well today, i guess there has to be something i can do about for chem and math,like what ms fong said, chem is the worst subject of our whole class....i discovered that some or lets say most of my SAT practise questions r the same,what the heck is this man, waste my money.
i feel lonely,because i dun dare to look into the eyes of others,because i feel that all look at me in a werid way...i duno y...i have always had that feeling in my head.
these few days, or lets say this few weeks, i have memories of the past coming back to me, and all sorts of concepts that i learn in skl, every single scene, its so clear...everyword i said, and every expression of others...what does all this imply, i am not sure...mayb i didnt have bad memories after all.
Suppose to see ms chan chan today about choir stuffs, but i dun feel like going, because i feel that there is not big deal, i can settle this myself, and i made up my mind.QUIT OR NO QUIT?leave me to decide...
and to the world, drought, war, global warming, economic crises, this world we r in is dying.....
And now, i cant take this anymore, my SAT results varies.....my actual is about 1500?or what i duno,but i know i'd get higher. alright, at the princeton review i am learning the strategy, but i dun get it at all, i get nothing, i have being practising so so so so much, but i got nothing, everytime i do questions, i get mixed up and stuff, mayb i am really not that kind of exam person..i am on the edge of breaking down, i feel really stessed and tired..someone save me, i hate high skl, i have so many things to worry about, which i think i cant cope anymore,,,,....
Getting assinated on friday, will recieve very damn bad negative commands from teachers, like mr evanno, and ms fong, because i fucked up for this tow subjects, but i didnt want to,nobody wants to,but i somehow did it.....people have different blogs, but my is special, because no ones reads mine, only me. lol. anyways my 3s r getting better and more accurate, well i guess today i proved i am the one good at basketball...lol,but i played well today, i guess there has to be something i can do about for chem and math,like what ms fong said, chem is the worst subject of our whole class....i discovered that some or lets say most of my SAT practise questions r the same,what the heck is this man, waste my money.
i feel lonely,because i dun dare to look into the eyes of others,because i feel that all look at me in a werid way...i duno y...i have always had that feeling in my head.
these few days, or lets say this few weeks, i have memories of the past coming back to me, and all sorts of concepts that i learn in skl, every single scene, its so clear...everyword i said, and every expression of others...what does all this imply, i am not sure...mayb i didnt have bad memories after all.
Suppose to see ms chan chan today about choir stuffs, but i dun feel like going, because i feel that there is not big deal, i can settle this myself, and i made up my mind.QUIT OR NO QUIT?leave me to decide...
and to the world, drought, war, global warming, economic crises, this world we r in is dying.....
And now, i cant take this anymore, my SAT results varies.....my actual is about 1500?or what i duno,but i know i'd get higher. alright, at the princeton review i am learning the strategy, but i dun get it at all, i get nothing, i have being practising so so so so much, but i got nothing, everytime i do questions, i get mixed up and stuff, mayb i am really not that kind of exam person..i am on the edge of breaking down, i feel really stessed and tired..someone save me, i hate high skl, i have so many things to worry about, which i think i cant cope anymore,,,,....
Feb 9, 2009
in school now, trying to figure out what to do for our class website. its called the pub, good name though,but i duno what i should do, and no one is bothered to tell me, and so i will just try to figure it out myself, well need a photo, what am i going to put, piano, chopin, or some rock band. well i guess everything work,i hate life, and i hate friday, because its PTC, which means i am getting screwed in school, because i am doing badly in skl, but i know and i am goin to do something to improve my results at chem and math, i mean this two are imporant subjects, i am not implying that the rest its not important, but i dun want my overall results to be pulled down just by this 2 subjects, so i need to work on it, i have no idea actually where it went wrong,, so i am going to figure it out. but i know i will find the problem sometimes, in term 3 and 4, at the end of term 4 i am going to get my results up, and actually get a 4 for each of theser 2 subjects. with confidence, i am sure that i am able to do it, and i will..so trust myself now...i am trying to gain self confidence, can i ? because there is a barrier, which i dunt know what is actually is...but i will get over it sometime in my life. My SAT in about 2 month time, time flies fast, i need to do very werll for my SAT in order to get into a good american university. and i have no idea who i really am now...........just die.........
Feb 7, 2009
SAT????life????nothing is ontrack
Alright 1790, thats the mark i got when doing by myself at home,but when i enter the test center i got 1320. i mean thats a big difference. mayb its because i am nervous,but anyways, i still plan to improve more on my SAT results, i need to learn the method. My skl IB, thats what i m worried about, well i guess term 2 report, chinese 7, business 6,English 5,chem 2, math is 2, and phy is 4 mayb. thats meakes 26 out of 42, very bad man, i mean i want at least 30+ to get into a good university, or at least 35 plus, well i need to work harder on my math, but what is the problem, i am not sure too, i just cant get anything right during a test, same for chemistry, my next step i m going to take it slowly, i am improving my chem to a reliable mark, to get good marks like chunerr(not that good but best in our class)..hes like the best, ok i can do it, all i need it movtivation, for physics, i understand, the concepts, this year, everything is hard, it looks hard seems hard and everything elese, and why cant anyone send me the file for siBelius 5, i need it. Life is a nightmare, i want a nre start, a new blank page in my bible science, turn a new page for me... 42,42,42,42,42,42. thats the number that is always appearing on my mind, because somehow that is linked with me....yea it sure it, well today i analyzed my problem on SAT, i dun have understanding problem, its just carelessness and stupidness that brings me down all the time, just like in skl, for math exam and for chem exam, i aint blamin anyone or anything, but somehow i think this is my problem. yea people say i m werid, i am emo, i cut myself, i talk to myself, so? thats me.....i duno who i am, yea mayb outside it seems i am Alex, but actually i was dead long time ago, i died because of sorrow,pain,hatred, and pressure. now i know what is pressure like, how it feel,SAT...do i really have to go to america?yea i just dun wana go Sg because of NS,but what if like FUCK IT
world economic crises, and everything around me, i duno why i need to care, or lets say want to care,but somehow i care about it, guess what Alex, you are not asking for a new present for your BD, because our family has no money, and dad is on the border on losing his job...so lets save money. Alex, you are the weight for your family, your parents has to pay for your university educational fees, and you are doing badly in skl and for SAT, stop making them worrying, do something, prove to the world u can do it. i know i am the weight for my family, but if i dun go into university( at least good), then my life is ruined, i wun want to be blue collar whole of my life, therefore i have to start workin,everynight b4 i sleep, i was thinking about skl,SAT, Piano, everything, University, thinking what kind of uni i will get into, wondering what will be my final IB marks, 35 or 25? mayb its the second one, but i sure get higher than that, because IB states, u cant get more than 2 twos in ur report, and no ones allows, i wun get ones in final, but who knows....chem and math, i suddenly feel everything is so hard, so stressful, i wana go away, leave this world, or mayb go africa, let me die myself, because i cant take this anymore.......who understands.........35, i want a 35,but i need to work towards that aim,no use without working hard,but there is always a barrier that prevents me from doing so, i am not sure what is it, mayb i am the barrier, and to break it, break me, but is there any other barrier than i cant get through, i duno. i act normal infront of my parents, because i dun want them to worry about me, but i know its hard to be 2 different person, but i have lead a life like this....
world economic crises, and everything around me, i duno why i need to care, or lets say want to care,but somehow i care about it, guess what Alex, you are not asking for a new present for your BD, because our family has no money, and dad is on the border on losing his job...so lets save money. Alex, you are the weight for your family, your parents has to pay for your university educational fees, and you are doing badly in skl and for SAT, stop making them worrying, do something, prove to the world u can do it. i know i am the weight for my family, but if i dun go into university( at least good), then my life is ruined, i wun want to be blue collar whole of my life, therefore i have to start workin,everynight b4 i sleep, i was thinking about skl,SAT, Piano, everything, University, thinking what kind of uni i will get into, wondering what will be my final IB marks, 35 or 25? mayb its the second one, but i sure get higher than that, because IB states, u cant get more than 2 twos in ur report, and no ones allows, i wun get ones in final, but who knows....chem and math, i suddenly feel everything is so hard, so stressful, i wana go away, leave this world, or mayb go africa, let me die myself, because i cant take this anymore.......who understands.........35, i want a 35,but i need to work towards that aim,no use without working hard,but there is always a barrier that prevents me from doing so, i am not sure what is it, mayb i am the barrier, and to break it, break me, but is there any other barrier than i cant get through, i duno. i act normal infront of my parents, because i dun want them to worry about me, but i know its hard to be 2 different person, but i have lead a life like this....
Feb 5, 2009
What the f
WTf man, i failed math like shit, ok this is damn damn bad. there is 3 questions that i should get correct, chem i improved,but still bad enough, i wonder if i can make it into uni, i think i m getting 4s for phy chem and math at the overall, that makes 12 marks, and i need 10 more, so i was hopingon chinese to get 7 which is 19, and ela is 4 whcih is 23(GOT IB) and business mayb 6, that 29. which is one mark away from my aim, and thats seriously bad out of 45, i mean, our skl is not good enough personally. PTC in one week, guess i know what kind of commands i will get. i am ready to be screwed, everytime of this year, is my worse time, but i usually get better after that, which i hope i do. my SAT, thats the thing, together with skl, its getting on my nerves, shit man, i can take this anymore. THIS YEAR IS A DISASTER. i want to die leh, finish it up, go to heaven...wa lao......i cant stand presure anymore, anyways i cant get anything right, anything to go, so what for living on?but still i tried, but i believe i found the right method of studying, so mayb it will make me improve will it?
SOMEONE TELL ME?
this life is never what i expected
SOMEONE TELL ME?
this life is never what i expected
Feb 2, 2009
tmr, i am taking a SAT Diagnostic test, in huai hai road. well its the second time that i am actually taking it. The first time i took it, i got 1100. which is VERY bad. But this time, i am going to get higher, because i have practised for a long time, this time maybe i will hit the 1600 barrier, well thats not good too, but i hope i get 1800. From today onwards, i am going to be very busy, need to prepare for SAT, its in 87 days. I might be also retaking grade 8 ABRSM, and i wun fail the second time, because i have the right sounds for the notes, as i have tuned my piano already. I am not sure if i hate my dad for screaming at me for the car, but this few days, that image always appear in my mind, everything i said and did, in school and at home, i duno what cause it to flash back, but i know that there is something going on inside me.
i got this SAt book, which teaches me how to score 2400 for the SAT, which i hope i can do it. I learned two new sayings.
1. NO PAIN NO GAIN
2. PRACTISE MAKES PERFECT.
This two saying are really true, and it really works. My friends Jeff, and my brother sunny, they are all SCS, why cant i be one then, no one bothers to inform me, it doesnt matter, in school , i will just be who i am, what i always do, i will do it..
but i hate this life, i hate it really much, this year 2009 and 2008 and 2007 are disasters for me, because i have being through so much, and no one can share, i keep it within myself, and one day , i will express it out as songs................
i got this SAt book, which teaches me how to score 2400 for the SAT, which i hope i can do it. I learned two new sayings.
1. NO PAIN NO GAIN
2. PRACTISE MAKES PERFECT.
This two saying are really true, and it really works. My friends Jeff, and my brother sunny, they are all SCS, why cant i be one then, no one bothers to inform me, it doesnt matter, in school , i will just be who i am, what i always do, i will do it..
but i hate this life, i hate it really much, this year 2009 and 2008 and 2007 are disasters for me, because i have being through so much, and no one can share, i keep it within myself, and one day , i will express it out as songs................
Jan 30, 2009
I want an iphone. i do, well before that i said i wanted a mac book, but it seems too expensive, so i changed to i phone, but now it seems same too, expansive. it is about 300USD for a 8Gb one, i mean mum said that the economics is bad, and we should waste money,its true, well ok then lets say i dun get anything for my birthday, i dun mind. i wonder why i met or lets say crash into this economic crises, this is unfair, i hope OBAMA can do something, i am sure he can, and he will. i dun want to be 17, its hard for me to accept it, accept the truth that i am leaving for University soon , accepting the fact that i will soon become an adult, and leave home, well everyone has to go through that process, its normal, but it feels bad and non exciting anymore, when u know that u r leaving home and leaving the ones u love behind, and go somewhere.......
Jan 27, 2009
jimmy talked to me about the band. seriously, i dun reali care now, sometimes i wonder y i aint born in western countries, as in live there. if id live there, maybe i wun have to be under so much pressure now, yea of course, i wun meet so much friends. i just dun know, i wanted to be a teacher when i grew up, or a doctor, or...but most important thing is, i have to enter a university first, if i dun enter university, the rest is all bullshit. have to start working now, i guess, i must. and for this band, maybe i focus on it again after may second after my sat test, and i hope i score well. very well. life is getter harder and harder day by day, yea i am high one, and i know the reponsibility on me, personally. these few days, i did SAT, and i also read sophie world, and the outsider, i learned many new thing through books, and also many ways of writing, so reading actually helps. language may be facinating to one, but i was wondering, even if my english is not good, but lets say i cant speak it at all, whats the big deal, everyone learns. i just want a good and peaceful life. i just want everything to turn out right, and i can go into university, and i hope i dun fail IB........
Jan 24, 2009
Mayb the happiest thing for me this life is to be with my band members, because only when i am with them, i feel relieve, and happy, all the pressure is gone when i am with them, but i cant do band anymore, which i want to, everyone wants to, but i had to prepare for SAT. and is UMASS really a bad university? yea of course it is not as good as NUS, but at least i have a uni to go, i dun wana go NUS, because i dun feel like mgoing
Jan 23, 2009
SAT in May 2, inSingapore, am i ready? well i am not sure, i guess i am, 2009 largest news for me, i am going to conquer the SAT once , i m taking it only once, and i m sending it to the university i want. But also i have to improve my work in school. English....math....chem....sign.... cant do shit now, work hard, now its not the time to relax, my furture depends on now...
Jan 12, 2009
I duno
yea, alright i got scolded like shit from my dad, just because i scratch my mums car with my bike. That was an accident, i didnt mean to do it on purpose,plus i dun feel good too, making that mark there...i cant believe what my dad said to me, he said:"Youre 16, and u r acting like 1 or 2 years old little child, the older u get, the more stupid u r, u know how precious the car is, how can u do that..i m very disapoinnted at u, i dun have such a stupid son like u."fine tats ok to me, cause he always said that to me, and i know i m careless,but i m trying to learn..everyone makes mistakes and they learn from it. second thing, for my band, Jimmys mum wants to come and watch live performance,but out mangement dun allow, so i went to the mangement with jimmy and said its not fair, yea i was complaining, and my dad shouted at me, guess what he said:"they give u a chance to perform, because they didnt look down on u, do u think u guys r really that good, Who do u think u guys r?!.still have the pride to call urself a BAND,people call u a band bcoz they respect u, if it wasnt ur mum who organises the music part, u guys cant even get to perform, so if u want to perform, u go, or ask ur friends to FUCK off, we dun need them here." thats unfair,why,cause he insulted my friends...it is unfair...
My dad always told me, to do things carefully, and also talk to people in a nice way,but how about him, he always lose his things, and he is careless, so y cant i be careless for once? yea i know it hurts when a new car is being damaged, but when i dad buys a brand new SET OF GOLF clubs, dont he feel hurt spending that much money?
In all these case i being through, its always releated to money, y is people always stuck with money, is money so important? yea it is, somehow, we can buything with money, but if money is not being invented, nothing will have happened, no pain, no hurt, no nothing....
I hate my dad, Y r all parents like that?I actually cried for the first time, very hard, because i cant stand this anymore, also i talked back to my dad for the very first time, i dun want to live under his control anymore,mayb this is the life of a eastern child in a eastern family....y is my life so bad......
Thinking about what my dad said, mayb we aint really a band, i am not critisizing, but i dun think we r good enough, we dun have movements, because those guys dun dare to move,so our band is like dead, and stiff, and i m quiting cause i want a better band...sersiously...we should do something, or i aint performing for the school expo...i dun wana embrasse myself, and JIMMY, i guess u can stop dreaming about ur dream of becoming famous, because we wun
My dad always told me, to do things carefully, and also talk to people in a nice way,but how about him, he always lose his things, and he is careless, so y cant i be careless for once? yea i know it hurts when a new car is being damaged, but when i dad buys a brand new SET OF GOLF clubs, dont he feel hurt spending that much money?
In all these case i being through, its always releated to money, y is people always stuck with money, is money so important? yea it is, somehow, we can buything with money, but if money is not being invented, nothing will have happened, no pain, no hurt, no nothing....
I hate my dad, Y r all parents like that?I actually cried for the first time, very hard, because i cant stand this anymore, also i talked back to my dad for the very first time, i dun want to live under his control anymore,mayb this is the life of a eastern child in a eastern family....y is my life so bad......
Thinking about what my dad said, mayb we aint really a band, i am not critisizing, but i dun think we r good enough, we dun have movements, because those guys dun dare to move,so our band is like dead, and stiff, and i m quiting cause i want a better band...sersiously...we should do something, or i aint performing for the school expo...i dun wana embrasse myself, and JIMMY, i guess u can stop dreaming about ur dream of becoming famous, because we wun
Jan 9, 2009
Life is Not A Waiting Room
Life is not waiting room, there is a lot of things i cant wait anymore, example like studying for university, i am doing it now, and also improving on my basketball and my piano skills. i didnt said i wanted to be professional on piano and basketball, but those things might help me one day, who knows?i have no more time, my IA is here, and test and homework at the same time, now i know what High school is like, it never ends.......but in reliaty it will...university...sounds scary to me, i need to do VERY WELL for my IA, it will help me for my marks at the end...so cant screw up, math IA, HARD. Life is not a waiting room, sometimes, we have to work first, we cant just sit there and wait, but this is not really true too, some things we can also wait, or we can choose not to have it, what is something a living room dun have? BED! which means love relationship, which is something not important to me.....i dun mind seriously, because i have described it before. Tension is building in me, steadily, everyone moving away from me, i feel heavy forces forcing their way out of me, i cant hold it on anymore, cause i swear, i wun wait anymore, i wun wait for things for change, i will change it before anything or anyone does anything. 3 tests in 2 weeks, it this what i waited for no, plus and IA, in 3 weeks, so manythings,thats sounds hard, but i m ok for business i guess, and i aint screwing for math and chem again, or i am really gona killl myself, i guess everyone knows what marks i got, i want to prove to the world, i aint the worst, and i am gona open the university gate that is closing........
TO BE CONTINUTED>>.....
TO BE CONTINUTED>>.....
Jan 7, 2009
I know you Dont like my voice
I know You Dont like my face
and I know You dont like me at all...
BUt You can never change me
Because i m always who i am
I know you know this..
You saw me, trying to change
But you pretend you dont
You just want to hurt me
and leave me desprate
i will show you, who i really is
through fighting you back
i will turned on the radio loud
and scream at you face
I will let you know how it feels to be like me
What it is like to be hurt
To be hated, to live,
under you control,Under you
I had enough, i will stand up now
Because i am sick of all the lies
and i had enough of all the pain
Tonight will be your dying day
Because dying is your latest fashion
And I am telling you
I am not a curse, i aint a Nightmare
I am a HUMAN, I am ALIVE
So look at me now, I will say
I want...
Apology from you
Now i am telling you
how it feels to be like me
And you will regret
for what you;ve done to me
all these years, all the things you done to me
I will give it back to you.
I always lie to myself
telling myself life is good
everything will change
but it seems that nth did
so now, i am changing life
the sin is beautiful outside
on a vast ocean
i make my way into the ocean
sailing far away on my little raft i made
maybe the ocean waves will sink me
and i die,die,die,die,die
but if i m saved,
than i will thank god,
for he let me live
but still i will,cut myself on the wrist
and end this life, because
Everyone wants me to do so
they hope i do
I know You Dont like my face
and I know You dont like me at all...
BUt You can never change me
Because i m always who i am
I know you know this..
You saw me, trying to change
But you pretend you dont
You just want to hurt me
and leave me desprate
i will show you, who i really is
through fighting you back
i will turned on the radio loud
and scream at you face
I will let you know how it feels to be like me
What it is like to be hurt
To be hated, to live,
under you control,Under you
I had enough, i will stand up now
Because i am sick of all the lies
and i had enough of all the pain
Tonight will be your dying day
Because dying is your latest fashion
And I am telling you
I am not a curse, i aint a Nightmare
I am a HUMAN, I am ALIVE
So look at me now, I will say
I want...
Apology from you
Now i am telling you
how it feels to be like me
And you will regret
for what you;ve done to me
all these years, all the things you done to me
I will give it back to you.
I always lie to myself
telling myself life is good
everything will change
but it seems that nth did
so now, i am changing life
the sin is beautiful outside
on a vast ocean
i make my way into the ocean
sailing far away on my little raft i made
maybe the ocean waves will sink me
and i die,die,die,die,die
but if i m saved,
than i will thank god,
for he let me live
but still i will,cut myself on the wrist
and end this life, because
Everyone wants me to do so
they hope i do
Jan 6, 2009
Fate Outside these doors
Of masques and martyrs aid the loveless
The sin was beautiful
Blank empire closed,the eyes of heaven shine a
smoke screen, a voice
the sound was kissed and sold
Best regards to the fashion corpse of grey
It thins the shallow blood in me
A century of open arms that shield the light
This battle scar is healing
Cast all the pain to the tourniquet that binds me
I fell in love with an Angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
Bless these shadows and tested everyone
They can't steal our love tonight.
This song, what does it imply, pesonally i do not know...i wish i had a laptop for christmas, i also wished for a new ipod or handphone...i guess everyone in my class got a Christmas present..i didnt dare to tell my Christmas wishes to my parents, because its unreliable....and they wun buy me one. they will say, use ur results to change for it, or its economic crises, y cant they just say NO direction, y does everyone has or likes to speak in circles...y cant they be straight forward...yea today choir, sing siren, i m offtune, no big deal, no need to laugh, i still can be the best though, i didnt know i could sing saprano...but i dun like, i wana go tenor, but i had already being singing bass for so long, i m not like jeff, he has a deeper voice, he is sutiable for bass, but i m not, so everytime i sing bass i need to strech myself to do it.......
WHY is it so tiring to lead a good life....Y?i duno what kind of person i m now....today TOK talks about some sexist problem against girls in a book....i used to disagree, but today i felt nothing..which i dont know y, mayb i m really becomin emotionless...but thats good too, so that i dun feel anything anymore at any moment....for my performance,,,i hope to invite some teachers to come and watch...i hope that they do come actually......
Of masques and martyrs aid the loveless
The sin was beautiful
Blank empire closed,the eyes of heaven shine a
smoke screen, a voice
the sound was kissed and sold
Best regards to the fashion corpse of grey
It thins the shallow blood in me
A century of open arms that shield the light
This battle scar is healing
Cast all the pain to the tourniquet that binds me
I fell in love with an Angel, a heart that isn't cold
Say goodnight, we are dying, just hold on
Bless these shadows and tested everyone
They can't steal our love tonight.
This song, what does it imply, pesonally i do not know...i wish i had a laptop for christmas, i also wished for a new ipod or handphone...i guess everyone in my class got a Christmas present..i didnt dare to tell my Christmas wishes to my parents, because its unreliable....and they wun buy me one. they will say, use ur results to change for it, or its economic crises, y cant they just say NO direction, y does everyone has or likes to speak in circles...y cant they be straight forward...yea today choir, sing siren, i m offtune, no big deal, no need to laugh, i still can be the best though, i didnt know i could sing saprano...but i dun like, i wana go tenor, but i had already being singing bass for so long, i m not like jeff, he has a deeper voice, he is sutiable for bass, but i m not, so everytime i sing bass i need to strech myself to do it.......
WHY is it so tiring to lead a good life....Y?i duno what kind of person i m now....today TOK talks about some sexist problem against girls in a book....i used to disagree, but today i felt nothing..which i dont know y, mayb i m really becomin emotionless...but thats good too, so that i dun feel anything anymore at any moment....for my performance,,,i hope to invite some teachers to come and watch...i hope that they do come actually......
Jan 5, 2009
UNtitled
This is unfair, how can someone make negative commands about our and on youtube, you dont have the right. yea i swear i'd never fight anyone, and i wont break my word, but this really pissed me off, to me, this seems like an insult. if you think you are so good, so youtube and paste you own video, dun command on ous, u little Bas....well anyways, nvm...
i have having a bad headache, i guess i have being worrying about too many things...BAnd..School...homework....university...and etc...yea this four i do worry, because it involves me in it..but somehow it affected me too much i guess, and caused me a bad headache. i just cant get to sleep at night, without listening to music, duno whats going on inside me...but i tried, i actually slept at 3 these few days, no idea why...well i heard many people in our class are taking SAT this month, well they are taking 2x. but my mum wants me to take it once. in June, just one time, which means, i cant back off, for anything. school is for sure. but band i guess i can, i was invited by my mangment, i promised, but if i backoff now, then my image will be damaged....and i wun be trusted anymore...trouble, we need guitars.!!!!someone help us with it. its just the starting of a new year, and to me, it seems like a disaster.
well. i guess i need to do something. i dont wana be a curse, to anyone...i recalled my "love Relationship" with some girls in my life...none last longer than a few months, is it my problem, i got rejected too, there are more than one girl who told me to go to hell...so now i hate, i started to hate, before i never knew what hate is like,but now i know, i know it all, and one day i will die of it, but before i die, i will write my sentence with blood dripping from my veins, i will go quietly, like the protagonist in "the Metarmophosis"...but i dun wana die in that way, i have my own way....my dreams slowly turning from white to black, they die, they die, they die!. i m having no more dreams, mayb because there is no more thoughts in my mind when i am alseep..
what can i do, to make people trust me, about the email i send out, y do i have to joke about it?i aint that childish...but it seems like no one cares...yea 2 more germans coming to my band?lright that makes 7 people, i dun feel like wanting them to join, i aint racist, but i guess jimmy will kick me and jeff out,i duno. he might god knows. there are many X values in life which we do not know, i really wonder how this year would be like. today Charlotte said that failing IB done matter, as long as we do well for SAT we still can go to uni. but i dun agree, yea although american universities weigh about 80% of SAT scores, and 10% of school transcripts, but its still important...therefore i need to work hard. i guess for chem and math i can only hit a 4, i want a 5. i believe i can do it,start from now. everyday in class, i feel i m different ffrom others, from personality. i guess i m anit society, anti everyone. is this nihiism?i aint learning anything from the book we learned. but this is how i feel. i tried to open myself up, and not to have that "metal covering" around me, but i cant. because i m really scared of getting hurt again, i cant take in anymore pains, i wounded already, all over, and i m not healing, i need to heal, before i open up, and how long will this take, 2, 3 years?or maybe longer, personally, i do not know,and i know, everytime i get hurt, the words will hit my "metal covering" and it will close on me tighter and tighter............
Thats y my blog name is what u see...........
i have having a bad headache, i guess i have being worrying about too many things...BAnd..School...homework....university...and etc...yea this four i do worry, because it involves me in it..but somehow it affected me too much i guess, and caused me a bad headache. i just cant get to sleep at night, without listening to music, duno whats going on inside me...but i tried, i actually slept at 3 these few days, no idea why...well i heard many people in our class are taking SAT this month, well they are taking 2x. but my mum wants me to take it once. in June, just one time, which means, i cant back off, for anything. school is for sure. but band i guess i can, i was invited by my mangment, i promised, but if i backoff now, then my image will be damaged....and i wun be trusted anymore...trouble, we need guitars.!!!!someone help us with it. its just the starting of a new year, and to me, it seems like a disaster.
well. i guess i need to do something. i dont wana be a curse, to anyone...i recalled my "love Relationship" with some girls in my life...none last longer than a few months, is it my problem, i got rejected too, there are more than one girl who told me to go to hell...so now i hate, i started to hate, before i never knew what hate is like,but now i know, i know it all, and one day i will die of it, but before i die, i will write my sentence with blood dripping from my veins, i will go quietly, like the protagonist in "the Metarmophosis"...but i dun wana die in that way, i have my own way....my dreams slowly turning from white to black, they die, they die, they die!. i m having no more dreams, mayb because there is no more thoughts in my mind when i am alseep..
what can i do, to make people trust me, about the email i send out, y do i have to joke about it?i aint that childish...but it seems like no one cares...yea 2 more germans coming to my band?lright that makes 7 people, i dun feel like wanting them to join, i aint racist, but i guess jimmy will kick me and jeff out,i duno. he might god knows. there are many X values in life which we do not know, i really wonder how this year would be like. today Charlotte said that failing IB done matter, as long as we do well for SAT we still can go to uni. but i dun agree, yea although american universities weigh about 80% of SAT scores, and 10% of school transcripts, but its still important...therefore i need to work hard. i guess for chem and math i can only hit a 4, i want a 5. i believe i can do it,start from now. everyday in class, i feel i m different ffrom others, from personality. i guess i m anit society, anti everyone. is this nihiism?i aint learning anything from the book we learned. but this is how i feel. i tried to open myself up, and not to have that "metal covering" around me, but i cant. because i m really scared of getting hurt again, i cant take in anymore pains, i wounded already, all over, and i m not healing, i need to heal, before i open up, and how long will this take, 2, 3 years?or maybe longer, personally, i do not know,and i know, everytime i get hurt, the words will hit my "metal covering" and it will close on me tighter and tighter............
Thats y my blog name is what u see...........
Jan 3, 2009
What a day
one more day passed. I did something. SAT revision and Piano...i guess thats all i am able to do at home..skl will in be 1 more day after tmr...em,,,two weeks of holiday just gone like this...i guess i made good use of my skl holidays revising everything, so i suppose i m ready for exams that is coming....prepared to face it, anyways, i cant ran away, these few days ICS channel is having better and better movies,good thing
Jan 1, 2009
First day of 2009
alright one day is gone...skl in 4 days...finally. today i played piano did SAT as usual...but i guess i need to imporve on my critical reading section for SAT..i have being getting lesser than 650....,cant be in that way..that sucks...although i m geting higher than 1800 for SAT,but my math varies around 650-700...need to improve also...because most universities weighs that mostly...,but still over results also quite important...i need to be consistent...just like for bball, my way of shooting always changes at different, which i need to maintain it...i can score...but its not good enough,,tme owning some chinese noobs...they think they so good? yea...i seen them play....bringing Jesse tmr, hes the best PG of SAS, Varsity bball team. thats good. i hope i score more tmr also...i read the news today..it seems like 2008 is not a very pleasent year...earthquake...war conflict...economic crises....and natural disasters...how unfair is life...my title of todays SAT work. 'Do our lives change according to our decisions, or according to the things that happened around us." mayb we will know after reading the news...because i agree with the second part..ok i m waiting to get the piece of paper from ABRSM,i want to see y they fail me though...i might retake next year,but i dun feel like,cause i cant get Aural and Sight reading...I m sure i failed Aural, cause i cant hear the note, as in what the note is, so i sometimes wonder how i played the piano...am i tone deaf or something?
I wrote a new piano song today,but i tore it up and threw it away, because no one will appreacite it, and for me, its enough when i had it in my mind...nth else...i will enjoy it myself...A Song by Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for lovers....i guess it is, never being there...but i like that song, mayb next time if i m in a better band in US, i will write something like that too, i always can, or mayb i should just use those songs i wrote days before.........
me, i m sensetive to some word such as. LOVE. FRIENDSHIP,RELATIONSHIP,HAppiness, JOy..etc...anything releated to that..so people plz, never talk about those words infront of me,because it hurts alot...
2009, i m one year older 17. i feel more pressured, because it means one year closer to the doors of university,,,which make me feel scared and nervous,because i dun think i can make it, not in all subjects......math and chem........no......i need to improve on math, and i duno y i always fail chem,,i just cant be able to find the reason....i need to find it somehow, i always approach the teacher for something i dunt know, but still, no one seems wanting to tell me the reason y i keep failing chem.....is it because of expression problems?
if is wasnt because of our band, i wun do apologise personally, although its a song for telling a girl its too late to apologise, but thats what all girls will cause to guys(not being sexist),but i have being through it, so i know, i know it deeply, personally.....
I wrote a new piano song today,but i tore it up and threw it away, because no one will appreacite it, and for me, its enough when i had it in my mind...nth else...i will enjoy it myself...A Song by Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for lovers....i guess it is, never being there...but i like that song, mayb next time if i m in a better band in US, i will write something like that too, i always can, or mayb i should just use those songs i wrote days before.........
me, i m sensetive to some word such as. LOVE. FRIENDSHIP,RELATIONSHIP,HAppiness, JOy..etc...anything releated to that..so people plz, never talk about those words infront of me,because it hurts alot...
2009, i m one year older 17. i feel more pressured, because it means one year closer to the doors of university,,,which make me feel scared and nervous,because i dun think i can make it, not in all subjects......math and chem........no......i need to improve on math, and i duno y i always fail chem,,i just cant be able to find the reason....i need to find it somehow, i always approach the teacher for something i dunt know, but still, no one seems wanting to tell me the reason y i keep failing chem.....is it because of expression problems?
if is wasnt because of our band, i wun do apologise personally, although its a song for telling a girl its too late to apologise, but thats what all girls will cause to guys(not being sexist),but i have being through it, so i know, i know it deeply, personally.....
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